LONDON—After years of quiet
resentment and just enough productivity to avoid being fired, local employee
Dan Matthews has finally been promoted to a managerial role—an achievement
that, according to colleagues, has transformed him overnight into a human
LinkedIn post.
“It’s like he’s been possessed by LinkedIn,” said long-time
coworker Emily Carter. “This morning, I asked him if he wanted a coffee, and he
said, ‘Let’s touch base on that offline.’ He used to just say ‘yeah, cheers’.”
In his first act as manager, Matthews sent out a 2,000-word
email titled “Reflections on Leadership, Learnings from the Trenches” in which
he compared his recent career advancement to “climbing Everest” and “leading a
Roman legion into battle”. The email, which began with an inspirational Steve
Jobs quote and ended with a completely unnecessary hashtag, was later found to
contain no useful information.
“I used to like Dan,” said team member Josh Patel. “But
today, he said he’s ‘laser-focused on leveraging our core competencies to drive
impact’. We work in an accounts payable department. What the hell does that
mean?”
Meanwhile, his LinkedIn activity has skyrocketed. Where he
once used the platform exclusively to ignore recruitment messages, he is now
posting daily threads on “the importance of adaptability in an evolving
business landscape”. One such post, which began with the phrase “Not your
typical promotion story”, detailed his “incredible journey” from Junior
Accounts Payable Assistant to Senior Accounts Payable Assistant in just eight
short years. It included a staged photo of him thoughtfully staring out of a
window, an unrelated anecdote about a childhood struggle, and the sentence, “If
this inspires just one person, it’s worth it.”
“Honestly, I can’t look at LinkedIn anymore,” said Patel. “Yesterday
he posted a stock image of two people shaking hands with the caption, “Partnerships
are the fuel of progress”. Who is he partnering with? The photocopier?”
Coworkers have also noticed a shift in Matthews’s physical
behaviour. Formerly known for his relaxed, borderline apathetic attitude, he
now enters every meeting room with the urgency of a man delivering a TED Talk.
“The other day he stood up during a Zoom call and started
pacing back and forth like he was unveiling a new iPhone,” said Emily Carter. “At
one point, he paused, stared at the camera, and said, ‘We’re not just pushing
numbers, guys. We’re telling a story.’ He then spent five minutes explaining
what storytelling means, to a room full of accountants.”
Despite mounting concern, office insiders predict that
Matthews will continue down this path, with upcoming behavioural milestones
including:
• Ending every email with “Let’s disrupt this space
together!”
• Taking a one-day management seminar and updating his bio
to “Passionate about leadership and mentoring”.
• Posting a “humble brag” about his promotion while thanking
“everyone who believed in him”.
At press time, Matthews was seen in the break room, staring wistfully into the distance while muttering, “At the end of the day, it’s all about mindset.”
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