Fred's Dread

INT. LIVING ROOM – DAY

Fred is sitting on a sofa, clutching a pillow tightly. He is wearing a helmet, knee pads, elbow pads, and a life jacket.

FRED: (to himself) Okay, let's see... The door is locked. Check. The windows are locked. Check. The sofa cushions are arranged safely. Check. The coast is clear. Check. Now I just need to remember to breathe.

His house mate, Dean, opens the front door with a key.

DEAN: (calling out) I’m back.

He walks into the living room, and is bewildered by the sight of Fred.

DEAN: Hey, Fred! What's with all the safety gear?

FRED: Dean, you won't believe what happened. Yesterday, I stubbed my toe on the coffee table, and it was the scariest moment of my life! So, I've decided to protect myself from all possible dangers.

DEAN: Stubbing your toe was the scariest moment of your life?

FRED (defensively) It's not just that. I've realised that life is filled with terrifying things. I mean, have you ever considered the dangers of eating cereal? The spoon could poke your eye!

DEAN: Cereal is harmless. I’ve been eating it for years without any accidents.

FRED: (startled) That's what I thought until yesterday! I accidentally inhaled a Cheerio, and I thought I was a goner!

DEAN: (laughing) Come on, Fred. It's just a small mishap. You can't live your life in constant fear.  What about going outside? Have you given that any thought?

FRED: (panicking) Outside? Are you kidding me? The sun is out there, Dean! It could give me a sunburn! Not to mention the birds. They could mistake my head for a nest! And just last week, a grand piano fell from a balcony two blocks away! I barely made it across the street!

DEAN: That was a freak accident. It's not like pianos are raining from the sky all the time.

FRED: How do you know? Have you seen the weather forecast for pianos? I bet they're on their way!

DEAN: Fred, you're afraid of everything! Remember that time you wore a raincoat during a heatwave because you were scared of spontaneous rainstorms? Alright, let's do a little experiment. I'll go outside and cross the street, and you can see for yourself that nothing will happen.

FRED: You would risk your life for an experiment? That's what the aliens want! They're watching me, I just know it. The government, the aliens, the squirrels... they're all out to get me!

Suddenly, a doorbell rings, making Fred jump out of his seat.

FRED: (terrified) You see! They’re listening to what I’m saying!

DEAN: (jokingly whispering) You're right. We need to be prepared for anything. Have you checked your cereal boxes for hidden microphones?

The doorbell rings again.

DEAN: (joking) Who could it be? What if it's a burglar, or worse, a Jehovah’s witness!?

Dean goes to the front door and returns with a package.

DEAN: (excitedly) Hey, Fred! I've got a surprise for you!

FRED: (jumping) Surprise? Is it a surprise party? Are there clowns hiding around the corner?

DEAN: (chuckling) No, no, Fred. Relax. It's just a package I ordered for you. Open it!

Fred approaches the package with caution, as if it might explode. He opens the package, revealing a brand new adventure backpack.

DEAN: It's a gift for you, anxious adventurer. Complete with a built-in GPS, survival kit, and a new helmet to protect you from falling coconuts.

FRED: (cautiously) Well, I suppose it could be useful if I encounter any rampaging hermit crabs.

Dean hands Fred the backpack, and he carefully puts it on, adjusting the straps nervously over his life jacket.

FRED: Adventure... excitement... exotic locations... Oh, the horror! What if I go on holiday and encounter a rogue elephant?

DEAN: I don’t think that’s very likely in Skegness.

FRED: You know what, Dean? You're right! Maybe I've been a bit too cautious. Maybe it's time for me to face my fears head-on, without knee pads and safety jackets. The only thing I have to fear is fear itself, and the occasional irritable squirrel. I will confront right now my fear of heights!

He puts on some nearby goggles, and oven mitts, and gets up on the coffee table.

FRED: AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH! I'm alive! I'm alive! (breathing heavily) You know what, Dean? It was terrifying, but also... awesome! I never knew facing my fears could be so exhilarating. No germ, insect, or harmless balloon animal shall infiltrate my personal space!

Dean gives Fred a balloon dog.

FRED: (screaming) Ahh! A ferocious beast! Help!

Fred falls off the table and manages to heroically sit back down in his chair, securely clutching his favourite pillow.