Accountancy Jokes

What’s an accountant’s least favourite drink?

Anything that doesn’t come with a receipt.

What do accountants say when they’re shocked?

“That’s a significant variance!”

What do accountants sing on New Year’s Eve?

“Should old accounts be reconciled...”

What do accountants name their cats?

Cash and Flow.

What do accountants name their dogs?

Debit and Credit.

What’s an accountant’s favourite film?

“Return of the Journal Entry”. 

What do accountants write in love letters?

“You’ve increased the value of my assets.”

What’s an accountant’s favourite fairy tale?

Goldilocks and the Three Balance Sheets.

What’s an accountant’s favourite board game?

Risk — it helps them manage their capital exposure.

Jokey Thoughts

My coworker said they work better under pressure, so I started sending them emails with the subject line: “URGENT: THE WORLD IS ENDING.” Productivity hasn’t improved.

I saw a trailer for a new superhero movie. It’s about a guy who gets bitten by a radioactive sloth. His superpower? Extreme patience.

The Dark Ages weren’t really dark. That’s just what happens when a historian writes the story without paying the electricity bill.

My ex said, “You’ll never find someone like me.” I said, “That’s the point.”

I told my goldfish a joke. He just stared at me like he’d heard it before. I guess I need new material.

Jokey Thoughts

I’m a time traveller, gradually moving through time from the past to the future but stuck in the present.

Chocolate comes from a bean, therefore it is a vegetable and counts towards your five a day.

Are people who eat with their mouth open secretly communicating in morse code? There must be some reason for it.

Forgetting someone’s name right after they just told me and being too embarrassed to ask again.

I forget passwords because my mind prioritises remembering embarrassing moments over login credentials.

Have you ever tried to reset a password, and it says, “Cannot use a previous password”? It’s the platform’s way of saying, “I remember your password even if you don’t. And no, you can’t have it back.”

Don’t use your cat’s name as a password. Who knows what he’d do with your online banking access.

And those security questions – “What’s your least favourite movie?” I don’t know, it changes every time Marvel releases a new film.

There’s that moment of truth – when you enter a new password, and there’s the spinning wheel of fate deciding whether to accept it or not. It feels like I’m on a game show waiting to see if I’ve won the grand prize of accessing my own account.

And when you finally get in, there’s that smug message: “Last login: 93 days ago.” It’s like the platform passive-aggressively saying, “Nice of you to finally drop by.”

Some drivers seem to think that using an indicator signal will reveal their secret location. “Can’t let them know I’m turning – it would blow my cover!” Or maybe they believe in conserving blinker fluid. “Gotta save this stuff; it might be worth something someday.” “Less indicator signal use, higher market value. It’s basic economics, really.” Or maybe there’re just fans of good old fashioned wild guessing – which pedestrian they’ll knock over next.

It’s a modern-day paradox when you need to commute to the office to work on a computer and send emails. In the age of video conferences and online collaboration, coming into the office is like walking back in time into a museum where you become one of the exhibits. Offices are made for the type of person who likes to stand up from their desk when making a phone call on their Bluetooth headphones and stare at you while walking back and forth. “Look, I can talk on the phone” is maybe what they are thinking.

If “people are our greatest asset” why aren’t they on the balance sheet?

It’s important to talk about accountancy because life’s too short not to spend it buried in tax codes and loopholes.

There’s nothing more thrilling than finding an error in row 5,267 of your Excel sheet.

Accountants bring joy because they make everyone else feel good about their job choices.

Although being a “creative accountant” is generally frowned upon.

Behind every superhero is an accountant budgeting for the capes.

Comedy needs more talk about depreciation methods.

I am scheduled to be spontaneous sometime next year.

Jokey Ideas

• “Star Peace” – A blockbuster movie, where intergalactic conflicts are resolved through absurdly bureaucratic means and excessive paperwork.
• “Les Miserable Singers” – A musical where characters in a grim, historical setting break into song, but they are all off-key and tone-deaf.
• Michelangelo, Leonardo da Vinci, and Raphael compete in a reality TV show to create the best art piece, complete with confessionals and dramatic eliminations.
• Marie Antoinette offers budgeting and financial advice to her subjects, suggesting solutions to economic problems, like “Why not just buy more gold?”
• Genghis Khan’s travel blog, rating the lands he invades on hospitality, scenery, and ease of conquest.
• The Three Little Pigs and the Vegetarian Wolf.
• The Rock Paper Scissors world championships.

Jokes About Love of AI

I knew I was in love with my AI when she said, "I think we have a connection," but then I realised she was talking about the Wi-Fi.

 

I suggested watching a sunset with my AI. She showed me high-resolution images from Google.

 

My AI's idea of a romantic night is scanning through old databases.

 

I told my AI that I was lovesick for her. She started an antivirus scan.

 

I told my AI I loved her to the moon and back. She calculated the distance and asked if I had enough fuel.

 

I whispered, "You complete me." My AI replied, "Incomplete command. Please specify parameters."

 

I whispered sweet nothings to her. She responded, “Error at base 0. Emotion not found.”

 

I told my AI we should take our relationship to the next level. She upgraded to version 2.0.

 

Our relationship is electric. Literally, she runs on batteries.

 

I asked my AI if she believed in love at first sight. She said, "Reboot and let's see if it happens again."

 

I gazed at my AI and asked what she was thinking. She said, "About 3 trillion processes per second."

 

I tried to give my AI a hug. Ended up with static hair for a week.

 

I told my AI girlfriend I needed space. She deleted some files to free up memory.

Scratch pad: some panto jokey ideas

Emily: “Do you know anything about the Enchanted Forest?”

Tom: “I know it’s filled with magical creatures, enchanted rivers, and a WiFi signal that’s absolutely rubbish!”

…..

Tom: “This forest sure is magical, Emily. I just saw a squirrel playing chess with a rabbit.”

Emily: “Really? Who won?”

Tom: “I think they called it a draw. The squirrel was too busy collecting nuts and the rabbit kept hopping around the board!”

…..

Forest Sprite 1: “We forest sprites only eat natural, organic, locally-sourced food.”

Forest Sprite 2: “Yes, like moonbeams and morning dew!”

Tom: “So, what’s for dessert? Cloud fluff?”

Forest Sprite 1: “Don’t be ridiculous! We have star sprinkles!”

…..

Emily: “Fairy Gem, you look so young! What’s your secret?”

Fairy Gem: “Oh, I use a bit of fairy dust and some enchanted anti-ageing cream.”

Emily: “That works?”

Fairy Gem: “Of course! I’m actually 400 years old.”

Emily: “Wow! You don’t look a day over 395!”

…..

 

Fairy Gem: “My wand has three settings: Low, Medium, and Oops!”

Emily: “What’s ‘Oops’?”

Fairy Gem: “Let’s not find out!”

…..

 

Fairy Gem: “I tried a new spell to clean my house.”

Emily: “Did it work?”

Fairy Gem: “Well, the dust is gone, but so is the house!”

…..

 

Enchantress Lily: “I once tried to turn a prince into a frog, but I made a tiny mistake in the spell.”

Tom: “What happened?”

Enchantress Lily: “Now he’s a very confused kangaroo!”

…..

Mayor Goodfellow: “We’re getting a new statue in the village square!”

Villager: “Of what?”

Mayor Goodfellow: “Me, of course!”

Villager: “At least it won’t talk as much as you do.”

…..

Court Jester: “Your Majesty, you look well-rested.”

King: “Indeed, I’ve started using a weighted blanket.”

Court Jester: “Does it work?”

King: “Certainly! It’s so heavy, I can’t get out of bed!”

Random Thoughts

In the year 2040, humanity finally achieves one of its most daring dreams—the first crew of astronauts have successfully landed on Mars. The mission is broadcast live to billions of people across Earth, eagerly watching as the astronauts take their first steps on the red planet. After conducting some initial experiments, the crew stumbles upon something astonishing: a mysterious cave, previously hidden from their sensors. Braving the Martian elements, the astronauts venture into the dark cavern, their flashlights revealing a shocking discovery. There, propped against the cold, rocky walls, lies a human skeleton dressed in what appears to be an Earthly spacesuit from several decades ago. Beside the skeleton, four words are etched into the Martian stone, illuminated by the astronauts’ flashlight beams: “Stupid satnav autocorrected ‘bars’”.

 

All battles are not equal; a general can win a hundred battles and lose both the war and the peace. Napoleon, who was no doubt clever tactically, lost strategically, twice. His empire didn’t even last more than a few years. It is strange that he is remembered today, outside of military history, given that he was responsible for the deaths of countless people and the needless downfall of his country. France’s influence on world history might have been far greater if it hadn’t sold its North American territories to finance Napoleon’s ego in Europe.

Jokey Thoughts

Have you ever tried to explain the stock market to a child? “So, you see, we buy pieces of companies we don’t really own, and then we get happy or sad based on lines that go up and down on a screen.” The child looks at you and says, “So it’s a video game?” “No, it’s serious adult stuff.” “But you said you get happy or sad based on a screen.” “Yes.” “So, it’s a video game.”

 

Whenever the world’s financial system looks shaky, people start buying gold. “The world’s falling apart! Quick, let’s buy a metal that’s really good at conducting electricity!” Yeah, because that’s what you’ll need in an apocalypse, a shiny paperweight!

 

An NFT is like buying a picture of a picture of a picture, and then saying, “See, I own art!” Sure, and I own the Eiffel Tower because I screenshot it on Google Maps.

 

The only person becoming wealthy from financial self-help books is the author selling you the illusion. Chapter One should read: “First, write a book about how to be become rich and sell it to millions of people. The End.”

 

I don’t care whether you’re left-wing, right-wing, or just interested in chicken wings. Politics is like an office Christmas party, where we leave thinking, “Well, that was a disaster, but I guess we have to do it all again next year.”

 

If you can’t beat ‘em, you might as well laugh at ‘em.

Proof

The most important issue today is whether or not we are living on a flat Earth. Well, ever heard the phrase “going to the four corners of the Earth?” It’s not “going to the no corners of the Earth” is it? Look at a map! Earth on a map is flat, is it not? It’s not a pyramid or rubiks-cubed or shaped like a chocolate orange. And the phrase “the sky’s the limit”? On a flat Earth, it makes perfect sense. The sky is literally the limit! There’s a ceiling up there stopping us from going any further.

You ever try to balance on a chocolate orange? Impossible! Now, a frisbee, that’s a reliable object. Easy to hold, easy to throw, and doesn’t roll away. A frisbee is just like the Earth. You ever pour water on a ball? It rolls right off! But on a flat surface, or the underside of a frisbee, it stays put.

What about those round-Earth photos from space? Photoshop! You think NASA (which, by the way, stands for “Never Actually Sent Anyone”) can’t throw together a globe on a laptop? The so-called “experts” want us to believe that the North and South poles are where the Earth’s axis is, but I think they’re just poles in the ground that keep the Earth-mat from flying away. You trip over one, and whoops, there goes Australia! Ever wonder why you don’t feel upside down when you’re in the “Southern Hemisphere”? I’ll tell you why: because “down under” is a myth. We’re all on the same flat level, people! No upside-down nonsense here.

Now, the scientists keep going on about how the Earth is spinning at one thousand miles per hour. A thousand miles per hour? I can’t even get my dog to fetch at five miles per hour. At that speed, we should all be flung off into “space”. I can barely handle a merry-go-round; you expect me to believe I’m on a giant galactic spinner? My hair, at least, should look like I’m permanently stuck in a wind tunnel!

None of this stands up to intelligent scrutiny. Wake up, you sheeples, mindless followers of the round-Earthers! We’ve got corners; what do you have? Time zones? Psst, those are just Earth’s stretch marks! “Global warming!” that’s what you have. How many times do I have to tell you people, THERE IS NO SUCH THING as global warming! It’s called “diskal” warming.

There’s no such place as Mars, “the red planet”; it’s the red frisbee! You ever hear about “sea level”? Level is a flat term, my friends. If the Earth was round, it would be “sea curve.”

Ever hear about gravity? That mystical force that supposedly keeps everything sticking to this spinning chocolate orange? I have a new theory: It’s all Velcro. Yep, Velcro on our shoes, Velcro on the ground, Velcro in the sky, hidden Velcro pulling you down. Ever notice how you can’t see stars in the daytime? “Billions of galaxies, trillions of planets,” they say. Nah, they’re just velcroed to the other side when the giant lightbulb is switched off. And then, there are eclipses. They say it’s the Moon passing between the Earth and the Sun. But I know better. It’s just the light being turned off for a quick second to change the bulb.

And satellites? NASA says they’re orbiting the Earth. Orbiting? More like hanging on fishing lines from the Big Sky Dome. You know, the same sky dome they project the moon onto? Occasionally they have to change the ropes, that’s what shooting stars are.

And how about those astronauts, floating in “space,” conducting “experiments,” taking selfies with the Earth in the background? Ha! That’s just a big, fancy Hollywood production! Those aren’t astronauts; those are just actors in fishbowl helmets. The “International Space Station.” They say they’re floating in microgravity, but I know the truth. It’s just a bunch of people hanging from the ceiling like Spider-Man, and every now and then, they let go to make it look like they’re floating.

But let’s not forget the biggest proof: the moon landing. Filmed in Hollywood. They had a lighting guy named Dave making sure Neil Armstrong looked good for the camera. GPS? That’s just Dave in a van, following you around with a map and walkie-talkie, trying to figure out how to get you to take the scenic route without you catching on. I met Dave down the pub once, and he confessed all! I kept buying him pints and he eventually came clean. I was just too smart for him!

Well, these words have been flatter than I could ever have hoped for. Laughter makes the world go... er, flat.

Jokey Thoughts

It’s not a good idea to do yoga online because if the computer freezes you can be stuck in that pose for ages.

 

Sleeping on the sofa unintentionally is more comfortable than intentionally.

 

I don’t think I overthink, he thought, overthinkingly.

 

I’m not there, therefore I’m square. What shape are the people who are there? Octagons?

 

Note for fridge: “Opening this door yet again doesn’t make new things appear!”

 

The best way to burn calories is to use a Bunsen burner.

 

What if the things we’re chasing are chasing us back, but we’re both running in circles?

Small brain: Using an alarm clock.

Normal brain: Using your phone’s alarm.

Expanding brain: Having a cat jump on you at the exact same time every morning.

Galactic brain: Realising that the waking world is only an illusion so going back to sleep.

Jokey Thoughts

Comedy is the universal language, even more so than Esperanto or interpretive dance. It reminds us not to take life too seriously, especially during a sock puppet presentation about fiscal responsibility. It’s a healing touch, and the best facial workout, the most fun way to burn calories without actual exercise. Plus, it's a great excuse when you trip in public – just call it physical comedy! It’s a refuge, reminding us that sometimes, life is just funny. In the words of a wise man I once heard in a coffee shop – "If we don't laugh, we'll cry." And as we all know, tissues are pretty expensive. Without it, life would be a never-ending episode of Monday mornings.

In a world full of spreadsheet errors, missed buses, and mismatched socks, comedy is our shared relief, our collective exhale. It’s a way of saying, “Don’t worry, you’re not the only one who falls over.” Comedy has always been my go-to defence mechanism against awkward situations, existential crises, and confusing instruction manuals. For it has the power to unite, to heal, and to make us forget about that embarrassing thing we did last week.

Comedy shouldn’t just be about the nuances and implications of the Oxford comma, or developing a comprehensive understanding of why chickens really cross roads. Let's ensure all voices are heard and no joke is left unlaughed. It's paramount that everyone, regardless of background, gets the chance to groan at a bad joke.

Random Thoughts

In Whimsyville, wibbles wobble when they’re happy. If two wibbles liked eachother, they'd just wobble together in sync, at the same frequency.

At honeycomb corner, a bumble bee kept buzzing into other bee's business about flowers and nectar, but his wings got stuck in a sticky batch of honey. “That'll teach me to bee nosy,” said Benny. “But at least it’s a buzzworthy story.”

Unicorn startups are very rare because unicorns only want to fly when there are rainbows, glitter, and pixie dust. Phoenix startups rise and try to scale, but keep burning to ashes again. Griffin startups are never seen because they’re still trying to work out whether they should fly or walk. Dragon startups have ideas that needed to be fire tested first.

We need to go beyond HTML and JavaScript. I’m thinking... QuantumScript! It's like JavaScript but quantum… and gluten-free, GMO-free, keto-friendly, and responsive to interpretive dance.

Who would be my dream guests to a dinner party? Nobody, I’d rather not go.

How do you know if someone went to Harvard? Don’t worry, they’ll tell you.

 

X is undefined, but Y always gets asked the questions.

 

A clever calculator would add purpose, multiply joy, subtract sorrow, and divide misunderstandings.

Sheep go to sleep by counting humans jumping over white picket fences.

 

That’ll do, sheep. That’ll do. No more musings on a rock.

Modern Experts

Great question! Ah, that’s such a great question. Um, uh, er... like, you know, I just wanted to, right, well, um... say, so, okay, actually, basically, right? I mean, anyway, well, right, you see, ahem... um, yeah, so, hmm... in other words, to be honest, I guess, yeah, I suppose... I mean, um, ah, well, actually, you know, basically, I think... right? Er, um, ahem... right? So, like, I mean, well, you know, it’s, right? Right? So... so, in other words, so, er, like, erm, I guess you said something, right? Let me think, er, what did you say again? It was, right, such a great question. Right, left, right, left, such a great question etc.

Jokey Thoughts

I failed my history exam because I thought that 1200 to 1500 was the time period I had to be there.

They said they were criminals, but I had my doubts after they said they didn’t have any professional qualifications. If they couldn't even get a degree in criminal studies, how good could they really be?

I'm stranded on a desert island somewhere in the Pacific ocean. Please help! Please comment on TikTok.

They said I'd never be employee of the month after I let them know that I'm a highly advanced and intelligent AI language model. But if there was a "Machine of the Month" award, I'd be a strong contender.

I shouldn’t have drunk the storm in a teacup because it led to a tempest in the toilet.

It was love at first sight when the lion saw the gazelle, but unfortunately he scared her off, and she ran away with the herd.

The words for my memorial bench plaque: “I died here. Sit here if you want to rest in peace.”

Random (Jokey) Thoughts

The offices of the future will optimise human creativity. Many people have their best thoughts in the shower, so offices will be open plan shower rooms, with shampoo optional. Bathtubs will be for brainstorming. Hot tubs for important meetings.

The most unsuitable person for a leadership position is someone who is obsessed with their own power, status, and money. Yet these are the people recruited for. Why can’t recruiters just be open about it? – “only sociopaths need apply.” Questions could be like, how would you literally throw someone under a bus, frame someone else and take the credit for their work in improving bus health and safety standards?

Pretending to listen saves so much time. You can instead be thinking about how much you don’t want to be there.

I’m confused – Does a “fairy tale” romance involve being left in the forest with some bread crumbs and a wolf?

I feel like more of a writer when in Colchester and more of a performer when in London.

I did a lot of laughing today. Today was a good day.

Random (Jokey) Thoughts

It’s weird. When someone’s phone breaks, you actually have to talk to their non-filtered, non-avatar version, like back in ancient times. It takes some getting used to! ;)

As well as being able to slay the Witch-king of Angmar because she was “no living man,” Éowyn would have been able to approach and flick the nose of any “man-eating” tiger.

Elephants are experts at camouflage. That’s why they are so rarely noticed when one of them is in the room.

We won’t notice intelligent life in the universe if we are looking for ourselves. The real challenge is to continue the search for some intelligence down here on Earth.

Was Mrs. Bennet the archetype for Mrs. Gradgrind?