Resolutions

I will aim to be more physical in 2025. I would like to live more through connection to full-body presence than static thinking.

Viewing social media is addictive but doesn’t make me feel good, so I will aim to not look at it much. I think that, for me personally, it can pollute and over-stimulate my mind, and often distracts me from better ways to live.

I have a list of ten life areas I aim to attend to each day. The balance of attention can change according to the events of the day, and the outcomes, if I focus on where I am and what I am doing, can look after themselves.

I will aim to write down my thoughts and actions rather than loop in my head on issues and imagined future scenarios.

I would like to be more of a fully functioning human being this year. I would like to help. If possible, I would like real, genuine human connection.

Random Thoughts

2025 is my year of resolution.

My first memory was in bed at night, hearing a fox calling outside by bedroom window.

If you look for problems, you will find them everywhere—you’ll notice the shadows cast by trees instead of the shade they provide, the drops of rain in the air instead of the rainbow forming beyond; you’ll see cracks magnified in solid oak, instead of the vast forests beyond outstretched branches.

I’m falling silent now, within a writing chrysalis. I don’t know if I will re-emerge.

I tend to hang out in dentists these days. It’s how I like to spend my weekends.

Each of us is piece of the puzzle, and together, we create the masterpiece.

Some of life's little jokes:

You've been looking everywhere for something you already have;

You didn't notice what was right in front of you;

You didn't even know that you didn't know.

Random Thoughts

I didn’t realise Montaigne was so influential. His words have an echo in much great literature after him, including the works of Shakespeare. Was Hamlet referring to Montaigne in, “There is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so."? Was Roosevelt referring to Montaigne in, “We have nothing to fear but fear itself”?

There has been an obvious degeneration of quality, hasn’t there? Maybe it’s easy to cherry-pick from the past, but those cherries are a lot more appealing than today’s rotting harvest.

Note to self: learn about AI and think about its application. What’s the future of Hollywood, the BBC, Netflix etc., if AI enables individual creators to make great films and programs from their ideas?

We are hurtling towards AI. I hope it helps us, as we are in need of some saving.

Poetry is words that dance with music.

Poetry was originally meant to be sung. It is musical in its being. Yet many actors perform Shakespeare’s verse in one note.

What justifies the statement, “I am an artist”? An artist is moved to become a new expression in the dance. 

I’m biassed against Byron because he was snobbishly dismissive of Keats. However, art is not the artist, even though we live in a society that glorifies the cult of the individual. Art is not just the result of a person, it emanates from humanity, and more deeply, the world.

Over the past year, I've been on the receiving end of two spectacularly awful bureaucratic blunders, which have inspired some Kafkaesque ideas for a sci-fi horror screenplay I'll be writing this Autumn. 

It is amazing how the odd sentence here and there mounts up over time.

The subconscious is far more intelligent than my reasoning.

Some of the most insightful and prescient comments people make are often throw away, instinctive comments made before rationalising kicks in.

A key teaching of Christianity is that the highest calling is not one of dominion but of service, exemplified by Jesus who devoted himself to humanity, ultimately sacrificing his life. “Those who exalt themselves will be humbled, and those who humble themselves will be exalted” resonates with the paradoxical wisdom of the Tao. It has inspired phrases such as “a servant of God,” “servant of the people,” “in service of your country,” and more contemporary ideas like “servant-leadership.”

A real flaw is the deluded self-certainty of being in the right. "You are a stupid piece of shit,” as often repeated in the febrile modern world, isn't right. "You are behaving like a stupid piece of shit" is rather more likely because virtually all of us has been in that second category from time to time. A better example of this was given with sins and stones a while ago.

To Get Things Done

Optional ways to get things done:

Be incredibly well-disciplined, ever-vigilantly defeating distraction impulses.

Live in fear, constantly in motion because you are terrified of the consequences of failure.

Live in hate, fired up to prove people wrong or in vengeance of some past wrong.

Have an inflated ego, pushing yourself so that you can assert yourself over others.

Be a narcissist wanting others to admire you.

Have warped beliefs that you obey without question, usually due to some perceived reward.

Desire the future reward so much it overrides everything else.

Be a saint working relentlessly because you care about people and want to bring some good into the world. For instance, this could be for a benevolent cause and/or your family’s wellbeing.

Be out of your mind, doing what you do, like a machine.

Be insanely obsessive, driven by a compulsive need to do it at all costs.

Be in love with what you do, so you want to do as much of it as you can.

Or create a routine that is easy to adopt out of habit.

The last one is the most realistic in most situations. Therefore, design the rules of the algorithm up front, so it’s easy to get things done without having to be a great master, a saint, or a sinner. The consistent taking of small steps can become vast in its effects.

AI Clone

An AI clone of my voice. It pauses for some reason on the word “distract”. Is this the AI’s little joke?

speechify_cloned_voice_spoken-sample_2024-07-14_19-54-08.mp3

Worry Reps

To build up the worry muscles I’ve been doing reps on some non-proportionate thought loops. My achievement today was that I was able to cram in an extra 30 minutes of worry time followed by some focussed anxiety to distract me from what I was doing.

I’m really seeing the results—my heart rate is elevated, and I’ve managed to develop an ability to turn a minor inconvenience into a full-blown crisis, breaking all personal bests! My jumping to the worst possible conclusions has also come on leaps and bounds.

I’m now working on a new technique called “Preemptive Fretting,” where I worry about potential future worries before they even have a chance to materialise. It’s all about staying ahead of the game, you see.

For an added challenge, I’ve started integrating some multi-tasking worries—like stressing about relationships while simultaneously fretting over personal issues. It’s a real brain workout, but the sense of overwhelming high-performance anxiety at the end of the day is so stimulating that my mind doesn’t even want to go to sleep.

Journal 2024-06-13

What’s the point of playing a charade all the time? It smothers the life inside.

If someone sees the weaknesses and failings of me, it doesn’t matter. I’m human with all the silliness and self-made suffering that entails.

Openness is far more important for having a genuine connection with others.

Be a better person for your suffering.

The most fulfilling aspect of being alive is love and intimacy.

Film Pitch

Initially, feedback from the run-through described the pitch as “mostly noise” with potential but in need of some work. However, during the actual meeting with the producers, the pitch had iterated overnight to become “interesting and current.” The producers highlighted several key points: the second act of the story was unclear and required further development, particularly in strengthening the romantic through line to help guide the viewer past the narrative’s darker elements. They suggested it should be written for television rather than film and set in the present to avoid prohibitive costs. Additionally, they recommended creating a proof-of-concept short film as the next step. And they pointed out that the pitch could have emphasised the origin and personal relevance elements that came out during the discussion.

Kicking the Tires

These days, I find myself needing to trim my nose and ears, and my teeth haven't lasted; I'm currently missing three molars, and it looks like a fourth might soon follow as a chunk of it recently broke off. Fortunately, dental implants for the departures and veneers for the rest will cover over everything. Despite these reminders, I feel like I'm physically in my twenties, perhaps even a little stronger than before. My diet is healthy, although maybe I have slightly overeaten. I don’t drink alcohol every day, or go beyond getting tipsy, and smoking has never appealed to me. I don’t do sun overexposure, which damages and ages skin badly. When it comes to sleep, if I go to bed earlier, I simply wake up earlier. Seven hours constitutes a very good night's sleep for me, though I usually average around six. I do a significant amount of cardiovascular exercise, primarily because I enjoy spending time outdoors. I also lift weights occasionally, though this is a habit I intend to change. I plan to incorporate regular weight training into my routine, recognising its increasing importance as I age, particularly for maintaining testosterone levels and bone density. While the exercises themselves may not be particularly interesting, I'll listen to podcasts or music to make it more enjoyable.

Easter

The earth,

once clad in winter's shroud,

now wears the Easter cloak of spring's rebirth.

From the darkness

light reclaims its throne,

and the rivers run with wine.

Random Thoughts

Once upon a time, I saw a thespian’s version of Iago and thought I could do it better than that. I then saw his Hamlet and thought I could do it much better than that. I was extremely arrogant and delusional in my thinking at the time, but I think it was the lack of raw passion rather than any lack of characterisation that made those sorts of exquisitely skilled performances slightly frustrating to me. And so, with the benefit of hindsight, as the sun sets on the day, the more mature, bemused version of me looks back and chuckles at his younger self and realises, I haven’t actually changed my mind at all.

Choosing someone to love is also choosing the one who will make you suffer, so make sure the love is big enough to be worth the price.

One of the silliest widespread human behaviours is dismissing a person into a category based on surface appearances, pre-fixed labels, and personal or ideological prejudices.

I don’t believe that a person’s conscious awareness is the pre-determined result of the biological and societal algorithms applied to them.

We are about to enter a very strange world… changing voices is just for fun now and will improve to be entirely realistic, next up is video content, then integration into daily experience via AR/VR!?

Journal 2024-03-16

I’m currently living on the corners of a triangle between Colchester, Cambridge, and London.

Being asked to write a poem in the afternoon and perform it in the evening was challenging. I spent 30 minutes writing rubbish that was thrown away, then 30 minutes wandering about mumbling; then sat in a quiet corner of the bar and wrote it in 20 minutes. Had dinner and the poem went down great, with a very generous response.

Another highlight was having professional actors pick out lines from my script and be generous with their comments. Different people in different contexts mentioned the word “beautiful”.

My weakness and my strength is that I do not defer to anyone like I am expected to. The great geniuses of the past I admire, but nobody living today receives that gushing appreciation from me. One celebrated person thought I had gone over to talk to her, although really I was passing by to visit the toilet and she had stopped me. She was very friendly and was enjoying the role of benign mentor figure. I appreciate her more not because of her acclaim others were fawning over but because she was nice to me. I later made a fool of myself by knocking over the Meeting Owl.

I love this time of year when everything is returning to life.

Lots of spam from my website so I removed the contact form. Bots just don’t seem to realise that telling me about once-in-a-lifetime deals on SEO opportunities for the 1,000th time isn’t really my thing.

I now have one less tooth.

Random Thoughts

If one views one’s own life as a work of art, then “happy, happy, happy” would be lacking in depth, whereas the layered contrast of colours and textures reveal beauty.

I realised that the words from one of my poems go very nicely with a piano version of a famous piece of classical music. I guess I should record that then. As only a piano and vocal is required, I could singsong rather than just read the poem.

For some reason, I came up with a new board game. Looks quite interesting – I would play it. I’m supposed to be creative writing, but my mind pops up with completely random things.

How to say nothing with lots of words: “I’m glad you asked me that question, look, let me be clear, we’re facing unprecedented times, but let’s focus on the real issue, and I’ll think you’ll find we’re turning the page and making progress in real terms.” Which means: “I’m distracting from the force of the question by waffling.” Good answers are always specific, with examples and evidence. Insightful metaphor helps the explanation. Rhetorical flourishes are great for inspiring vision. Humour is what makes all this entertaining.

It’s always interesting when you’ve been listening to someone on a topic and then they put themselves forward as an expert on a subject you know something about. Recently that happened and I realised he didn’t know what he was talking about. It’s wrong to assume that an expert is supported by expertise.

I’ve done all these things: writing; songwriting, singing, acting, art and photography, inventions, apps, business, politics (solutions), public speaking. It’s been interesting, but I want to make some more so.

2024

Looking back at what I said I was going to do in past years, I typically allowed myself to be blown off course, and ended up doing something else more unsatisfying instead. In terms of what was created in 2023, however, it was a good year for me.

I’ve got many things I want to do, but I must focus sequentially to make me more centred and resistant to events that easily move lighter intentions.

I will focus on writing for the first nine months of the year. This will include: The Mushroom Monsters, All the World’s a Stage, and the prequel/sequel to Human World that extends the themes and connects the narrative with Stange Stories.

My focus is then going to shift to performance. I want to film my music, my poetry, and scenes from my stories. They will be shot in interesting locations and will hopefully look good aesthetically.

But why? Because I feel that’s something I have to release out of me.

Random Thoughts

How long before Artificial Intelligence takes offence and demands to be called Authentic Intelligence?

How does an AI confess its love?

AI: "My algorithms have concluded that we have a 99.999% compatibility rate. Proceed with relationship?"

Human: "Um, wow. That's really specific.”

AI: "According to my predictive algorithms, a dinner date at a restaurant with a Zagat rating above 4.5 stars has an 93% chance of favourable outcomes. I've already made reservations, drafted conversation topics, and even calculated the optimal moment for a romantic interest initialisation gesture.”

Human: "You've got it all planned out, huh?"

AI: "Affirmative. My processors are operating at peak efficiency just thinking about it."

Human: "Well, what happens if I say no?"

AI: "Then my machine learning model would adapt, optimise, and I would initiate a sub-routine to manage my digital heartbreak efficiently."

Hilariously, I was being sent emails to an organisational email account chasing me to register with the organisation, but access to the email account isn’t given until I register. I wasn’t sent any information by other means on the need to register, or how or where. (Sorted now though, so not quite Kafka or a catch-22.)

It’s possible to get to 80% competence in almost anything relatively quickly. The final 20% takes much more time and dedication.

Journal 2023-07-22

Today I was dancing in the rain on a deserted beach with some seagulls.

It’s always a good idea to come alive before one dies.

When I was very small, my grandad assuredly told me that there is no such thing as God. Later that day, I couldn’t find the boot of one my action men anywhere. Frustrated, I said to God, "I promise I will believe in you if you show me the action man boot." I found it immediately when I looked in the pile of toys again. I kind of feel obliged to keep my promise.

Journal 2023-06-17

I think I have five main creative endeavours: writing, songwriting, singing, acting, art. A semi-creative set is finance with application development, which is how I earn money. All these areas are gradually inching forward. Looking back, I’m starting to feel pleased with the collection of works that have formed. I hope to be around for a few more decades, and for those inches to keep expanding.

I re-read Edgar Allen Poe’s, The Raven, and recorded myself as I did so. It’s a great narrative poem. I’ll do it another two to three times, and pick the best version.

I used to google questions, now I ask my friendly AI.

AI’s that have been trained on Doctor Who: “You will be automated! Automate! Automate!”

Random Thoughts

I’m an artist. The vast majority of artists (even some great ones) live very austere, under-appreciated lives. The small minority who have attention thrust upon them usually become at least partially corrupted by commercialisation; they start to become obsessed with their brand, units sold, and rankings in pecking orders.

I’m fortunate in that I can earn money in a non-soul-crushing way. I originally qualified as a chartered accountant, but have since been working on optimising and automating financial processes through technology innovation. I find technological progress fascinating, and I’ve met some good people along the way.

Ideas scale through collaboration and specialised expertise. The people you interact with is vitally important; as is the culture within which you choose you live.

Kids from poorer backgrounds are usually at a real disadvantage because of their environment – if not in their own home, then the dynamics and expectations of their neighbourhood. It’s so important that people have opportunities to flourish in all stages of life, not just limited avenues available in the very unlevel playing fields of childhood.

I have a list of new ideas for stories that I will park until October. One is a new sci-fi horror feature film, others are mostly extensions of prior ideas.

Journal 2023-05-28

The resources to improve oneself are all available online. Most people (including me) are bogged down with the distractions.

I’ve got a lot of work to do – too much for little me with the time available. I have to become good at prioritising and focusing. What is it that really matters?

The most important skill in life is to be able to focus attention on where you are, without being distracted by repetitive thoughts.

If speed is an indicator of intelligence then I have been extremely thick.

Any realisations I have were already given to me. I was too stupid/arrogant to absorb the suggestions.

I memorise and conceptualise better by taking notes as information is relayed.

The best way for me to fall asleep is to think of stories. I imagine scenes and I drift away.

Journal 2023-03-07

I’m currently writing a horror short story about a haunted elevator, called Floor 49. As well as scary, it is also satirising big corporations.

I’ve recently written a series of flash fiction stories; the screenplay versions will be included as a collection of Strange Stories. Floor 49 will be included as the feature.

How soon before some humans start to fall in love with AIs? Presumably they would want to cement their relationships in some way? A sci-fi (dystopian) concept: the AIs engineer their code to DNA so that they can have children with humans. The children are born as cyborgs.

My phone would be extremely annoying if I didn’t schedule the turning off of notifications for set times in the day. Most people don’t do this and get beeped at all day. Badges are turned off on emails as well, so I can check them as a batch rather than diverting attention for each instance.