A Very Interesting Accountant

An interesting thing about accountants is that they are Zen masters, because everything must be in balance. They are living proof that spreadsheets can be thrilling.

Albert, for instance, wakes up with a calculator under his pillow. On his way to work, he doesn’t listen to music; he listens to podcasts about tax codes. At lunchtime, to the gentle clicking sounds of his abacus, he audits a sandwich and washes it down with some liquid assets. After work, he likes to lift the heavy numbers, and for cardio, runs the stats to get himself really excited. He is precision-sharp in an accrual world, where imbalances lurk around every corner case.

Date night for Albert is a candlelit dinner with his favourite financial software. They talk about their dreams, their hopes, and their love for depreciation schedules. Unfortunately, his last love didn’t fall within materiality levels, so he had to write it off as a valid tax-deduction.

He’s now living the wild life, one spreadsheet at the time. At parties, he analyses the room. “Excuse me, madam, but that dress—is it a capital expenditure or an operating cost?”

Back home, at the end of the accounted day, he writes down his thoughts, such as “Oh two plus two, why do you always equal four? Can’t you be a little adventurous and be five just for today?”

When in bed he doesn’t count sheep; he reconciles them. “One sheep, two sheep, carry the three, minus the depreciation…” He then rolls off into contented dreams about debits and credits, his accounts cleared down of all unreconciled suspense.

And so, may Albert’s dreams and ledger always balance. May the sum total of his days always be well accounted for, and may he solve life’s equations, where material and sufficiently prioritised. I wonder what he will account for next?