Tech Support Overload

Mike is at home looking frustrated in front of his laptop. He makes a call to tech support. In an instant, Gavin AI appears on the laptop screen.

GAVIN AI:

Hello, this is Tech Support Plus! You’re speaking with Gavin AI. How can I make your life more complicated today?

MIKE:

Uh, hi, I just need help resetting my password.

GAVIN AI:

Ah, a password reset! Certainly, sir! But first, can I interest you in a comprehensive review of your security protocols? For only £99.99, we’ll send a certified cybersecurity expert to your home to analyse your browsing habits.

MIKE:

No, no, I just need my password reset. I forgot it, and now I’m locked out.

GAVIN AI:

Of course, of course! Well, to reset your password, you’ll need to answer your security questions. First question: What was the name of your imaginary friend’s imaginary friend?

MIKE:

What? I didn’t set that question. Can’t you just send me a reset link?

GAVIN AI:

Ah, a reset link! Yes, well, before I can send that, we’ll need to verify your identity. Can you provide a photocopy of your passport, your grandmother’s birth certificate, and a signed affidavit from the postman?

MIKE:

What?! I just want a reset link! Can’t you just send it to my email?

GAVIN AI:

Right, right. Well, you could try resetting it through our app. Just download it from the App Store. But be warned, the app does require a PhD in quantum mechanics to navigate. Not to worry though, for an additional £29.99, we offer a one-hour introductory course on “How to Download and Install Things.”

MIKE:

I just need a simple password reset! Can’t you just give me something easy, like a temporary password?

GAVIN AI:

Ah, “easy,” you say? Well, that’s the standard level of support, but I’d highly recommend upgrading to our Elite Password Recovery Package. For £149.99, we’ll send you a password psychic, who will sense the vibrations of your keyboard and divine the password directly from the ether.

MIKE:

Are you serious?

GAVIN AI:

Completely, sir! Of course, the psychic does require you to be within a five-mile radius of Stonehenge, but that’s a small inconvenience for elite-level support, don’t you think?

MIKE:

I just need to reset my password! I don’t want a psychic, or a security review, or whatever else you’re offering!

GAVIN AI:

Hmm. Well, if you insist on the basic route, we could send you the reset link via traditional post. Should arrive in 7 to 10 business days. Then you’ll need to install our Password Activation Module using the floppy disk included.

MIKE:

Floppy disk?!

GAVIN AI:

Right, yes, very retro, very chic. For a small fee, we can upgrade you to a USB stick, but bear in mind, it only works with computers manufactured before 2008.

MIKE:

Can’t you just send me a text? A simple text with a code!

GAVIN AI:

Oh, a text! Now we’re talking! Unfortunately, our text service is only available to customers who’ve signed up for our Premium Instant Service, which costs £59.99 per month and comes with free emoji advice.

MIKE:

What on earth is emoji advice?

GAVIN AI:

You know, things like when to use the crying-laughing face instead of the straight-laughing face, how to integrate aubergine emojis into professional emails…

MIKE:

Just send me the reset link. Now. Please.

GAVIN AI:

All right, sir, I’ll go ahead and send the reset link to your email… once I’ve upgraded your package to include email access. Just a small charge of £19.99.

MIKE:

I’m already paying for email access!

GAVIN AI:

Yes, but are you paying for priority email access? That means your reset link will arrive 3 seconds faster than with the standard package. Totally worth it.

MIKE:

I don’t care about priority! Just send the link!

GAVIN AI:

Very well, sir, I’ll send it now… [Pauses]

Oh dear, I’m afraid our system is currently down for maintenance. Should be back up in about… three days. Is there anything else I can help you with in the meantime? Perhaps a subscription to our exclusive “Technical Support” podcast, where we explain things like how to turn your computer off and on again?

MIKE:

[Hangs up.]