Sicilian Single Estate Olive Oil

BASINGSTOKE—Local man Kevin Burrows, 43, a part-time IT technician and full-time Tesco Clubcard holder, made a life-altering purchase last Thursday when he popped into Waitrose “just for a look” after his wife’s yoga class. The item in question? A 500ml bottle of Sicilian single-estate organic olive oil, priced at an eye-watering £12.99.

Burrows has reportedly been unable to revert to his previous life of own-brand butter and two-for-one spaghetti hoops. “I used to be happy with a splash of sunflower oil, but now look at me,” he confessed, wiping a tear from his eye. “I’ve been drizzling this stuff on everything—salads, toast, even fish fingers. It’s like I’ve crossed a line, and there’s no going back.”

Friends and family say Burrows has become insufferable since the purchase, with several complaining that he now insists on talking about “notes of pepperiness” and “fruity undertones” when discussing his evening meals.

“He came round for a barbecue last weekend,” said his mate, Dave Pearson. “Next thing I know, he’s pouring olive oil onto the burgers and banging on about ‘the Mediterranean diet’. I had to pretend I was impressed, but really, I just wanted to give him a slap.”

Burrows’ wife, Angela, has also voiced concerns, claiming that her husband has started using phrases like “just a touch of balsamic” and “pass the sea salt” in casual conversation. “It’s like I’m living with a stranger,” she said. “Last night, he refused to eat his chips because they ‘weren’t organic’. I nearly fainted.”

According to experts, this condition includes an inflated sense of culinary superiority, the sudden urge to purchase artisanal bread, and an inexplicable disdain for anything from Iceland.

Burrows’s descent into the posh oil lifestyle has been swift and brutal. Just two days after the olive oil incident, he was seen browsing the “fancy cheeses” section of Marks & Spencer, where sources say he was heard repeating the phrase “burrata” under his breath. At press time, Burrows was spotted furiously Googling recipes for focaccia bread.