Teleprompting

Politician:

“My fellow citizens, today marks an important day for our nation. Together, we will… uh…” (pauses, confused) “…bring back… the squirrels?”

(He glances nervously at the teleprompter, squinting.)

Politician:

“Uh… sorry, I meant… skills… bring back the skills our economy needs!” (laughs awkwardly) “Yes, that’s what I was trying to say.”

(The teleprompter suddenly jumps ahead, skipping lines.)

Politician:

“And, I promise… uh… that we will… throw a surprise birthday party… for every citizen by 2030?”

(Someone in the front row murmurs, “Did he just promise us all a birthday party?”)

Politician:

(panicking) “No, no! What I meant to say was… we will throw our weight behind… job creation! Yes, job creation!”

(The teleprompter flickers and changes text again.)

Politician:

“Our plan will bring back industry to the… uh…” (squints) “…the North Pole?”

(The politician frantically waves at someone off-stage to fix the teleprompter, but nothing happens.)

Politician:

“No, no, not the North Pole! The North! Yes, jobs in the north of England. That’s what I meant. Obviously. And I assure you, under my leadership, we will all… do the Macarena and eat lasagne on… rollercoasters?”

(A few people in the crowd start laughing.)

Politician:

“Right. Clearly, something’s… gone wrong here.” (frantically taps the microphone, pretending it’s the problem) “Uh… Let’s move on to more serious issues. I want to talk about our nation’s health service. We must invest in… wait, this can’t be right… fluffy kittens?”

(A man in the back shouts, “More kittens for the NHS!”)

Politician:

(flustered, trying to regain composure) “No! What I meant to say is… er, not more kittens!” (mutters under his breath) “Who’s writing this stuff?”

(The teleprompter completely malfunctions, scrolling at an impossible speed, flashing random words.)

Politician:

(desperately trying to keep up) “And together, we will… fry fish… for world peace… by… planting trees on… the moon? Right! You know what? Forget the teleprompter. I’m just going to speak from the heart!” (pauses dramatically) “My friends, together we will… uh… erm…”

(An awkward silence as a tumbleweed blows across the stage).