Good afternoon, everyone. Thank you
for gathering here today. I must say, it is most agreeable to see all of you
here, sitting in your respective seats, as one does.
Now, as I stand here, I find myself compelled to speak at
length on a topic of importance: office supply procurement procedures. Yes,
today we shall dive into the depths of stapler requisition forms and the
fascinating, nearly unbearable intricacies of paperclip ordering. I shall
endeavour to explain to you, in as much detail as possible, how and why a
process that could be simple has instead been made magnificently, astoundingly,
breathtakingly complex.
Some of you might be wondering, “Why does it matter whether
we have blue or black biros?” An excellent question. Indeed, a very good
question indeed—I spent upwards of sixty-seven minutes this morning pondering
the same. However, I’m afraid I’m not in a position to provide a definitive
answer. Suffice it to say that both have their merits. Blue pens evoke a sense
of calm, while black pens, on the other hand, suggest a certain authority.
Either way, whether you’re taking notes on something important or simply
doodling, rest assured, both options are available to you.
I would like to take a moment to address the recent changes
in our paper supplier. As you may be aware, our usual brand of A4 printer paper
was out of stock for three days last month, and we had to switch to an
alternative. I know some of you felt the new paper was slightly thinner,
slightly different, almost undetectably unlike the usual stock. This raised
some eyebrows, and I want to acknowledge your concerns. I personally spent
several hours comparing the old paper to the new, and I can confirm: yes, there
is a barely perceptible difference. However, feedback from the Paper Committee
remains inconclusive.
Now, let’s talk about the issue of folder categorisation.
You see, after much consideration and an extensive review process, it has been
decided that all folders will henceforth be filed according to the second
letter of their labels, not the first. Yes, this decision was not made lightly.
It required no fewer than seven meetings, and multiple subcommittees were
formed. I won’t bore you with the finer points of the deliberation—although I
could, if you wish—but the upshot is that we believe the new system will bring
a semblance of mild, almost negligible, efficiency to our filing cabinets.
Moving on to another highlight: I am pleased to report that
our new policy on tea bag usage has officially passed. We are now asking that
everyone limit themselves to one teabag per two cups. This may seem
revolutionary, even radical, but studies have shown that a single teabag can be
reused. And for those of you who might wonder about milk ratios, please note
that no more than 2.3 tablespoons of milk per cup is now advised, a decision
that took the better part of last week to reach.
Please feel free to review the accompanying documents during this initial 4-hour presentation. There will be time for questions at the end.
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