A Guide to the Apocalypse

Congratulations! If you’re reading this, the world is officially ending. Whether you’ve been vaporised in a nuclear blast, swept away by rising seas, or devoured by something unnameable from the void, we know this must be a stressful time. But don’t worry! The Department of Existential Catastrophes (DEC) is here to ensure your apocalypse experience is smooth, efficient, and free of unnecessary anxiety.

Below, you’ll find a brief guide to navigating the End of Days. Please read carefully. Misinterpretation may result in existential displacement, time loop entrapment, or spontaneous uncreation.

Step 1: Confirm Your Apocalypse Type

Check your surroundings. Do you see:

• Fire raining from the sky? (Meteoric Cataclysm)

• Strange beings materialising from thin air? (Dimensional Rift)

• Government officials insisting everything is “under control”? (Classified Extinction Event)

• Your own body turning into static? (Reality Corruption)

• A calm, unbroken silence? (Universal Shutdown)

If your apocalypse type is not listed, please refer to Appendix B: Unscheduled Endings and Cosmic Clerical Errors.

Step 2: Complete the Necessary Paperwork

The DEC requires all sentient entities to submit Form 404-A (Notice of Imminent Erasure) before proceeding to their designated afterlife, void, or parallel reality. If you have misplaced your form, please request a duplicate from the nearest Apocalypse Administrator (easily identifiable by their vacant stare and tendency to dissolve under direct sunlight).

Failure to submit this form may result in:

• Delays in your eternal destination

• Accidental reincarnation as a lower life form

• Being trapped in bureaucratic limbo (literally—there’s a designated waiting room)

Important Note: Due to overwhelming demand, processing times for post-mortem documentation may be longer than expected. Please be patient.

Step 3: Choose Your Preferred Aftermath

Once all paperwork is completed, you will be directed to one of the following:

• Traditional Afterlives: Heaven, Hell, Valhalla, The Great Recycling Bin of Souls™

• Alternative Destinations: Parallel timelines, simulated existences, poetic oblivion

• Existential Oversights: Becoming a ghost due to clerical errors, living out an endless Monday, reliving your worst memory on loop

• Premium Upgrade: For an additional fee (payable in unfulfilled dreams), you may apply for a Limited-Time Resurrection or a Rebooted Universe with fewer existential flaws.

Step 4: Address Any Remaining Concerns

What if I refuse to accept the apocalypse?

We admire your optimism. Please proceed to Denial Processing, where you may apply for a Personalised Reality Bubble™. Note: This is a temporary measure and will dissolve when you acknowledge the obvious.

Can I appeal my erasure?

Yes! Appeals must be submitted in writing within 24 hours of non-existence.

I don’t like the afterlife options provided. Can I choose another?

All alternate realities and non-traditional afterlives are subject to availability. Some restrictions apply. No refunds.

Final Notes

As we conclude this guide, we at the DEC would like to thank you for your patience and understanding. While the apocalypse was not originally scheduled for this timeline, unforeseen circumstances have necessitated early termination. We apologise for any inconvenience.

For additional queries, please contact our customer support department. Response times may vary depending on the stability of time itself.

Good luck, and have a pleasant End of Days!