Congratulations! If you’re reading
this, the world is officially ending. Whether you’ve been vaporised in a
nuclear blast, swept away by rising seas, or devoured by something unnameable
from the void, we know this must be a stressful time. But don’t worry! The
Department of Existential Catastrophes (DEC) is here to ensure your apocalypse
experience is smooth, efficient, and free of unnecessary anxiety.
Below, you’ll find a brief guide to navigating the End of
Days. Please read carefully. Misinterpretation may result in existential
displacement, time loop entrapment, or spontaneous uncreation.
Step 1: Confirm Your Apocalypse Type
Check your surroundings. Do you see:
• Fire raining from the sky? (Meteoric Cataclysm).
• Strange beings materialising from thin air? (Dimensional
Rift).
• Government officials insisting everything is “under
control”? (Classified Extinction Event).
• Your own body turning into static? (Reality Corruption).
• A calm, unbroken silence? (Universal Shutdown).
If your apocalypse type is not listed, please refer to
Appendix B: Unscheduled Endings and Cosmic Clerical Errors.
Step 2: Complete the Necessary Paperwork
The DEC requires all sentient entities to submit Form 404-A
(Notice of Imminent Erasure) before proceeding to their designated afterlife,
void, or parallel reality. If you have misplaced your form, please request a
duplicate from the nearest Apocalypse Administrator (easily identifiable by
their vacant stare and tendency to dissolve under direct sunlight).
Failure to submit this form may result in:
• Delays in your eternal destination.
• Accidental reincarnation as a lower life form.
• Being trapped in bureaucratic limbo (literally—there’s a
designated waiting room).
Important Note: Due to overwhelming demand, processing times
for post-mortem documentation may be longer than expected. Please be patient.
Step 3: Choose Your Preferred Aftermath
Once all paperwork is completed, you will be directed to one
of the following:
• Traditional Afterlives: Heaven, Hell, Valhalla, The Great
Recycling Bin of Souls™.
• Alternative Destinations: Parallel timelines, simulated
existences, poetic oblivion.
• Existential Oversights: Becoming a ghost due to clerical
errors, living out an endless Monday, reliving your worst memory on loop.
• Premium Upgrade: For an additional fee (payable in
unfulfilled dreams), you may apply for a Limited-Time Resurrection or a
Rebooted Universe with fewer existential flaws.
Step 4: Address Any Remaining Concerns
What if I refuse to accept the apocalypse?
We admire your optimism. Please proceed to Denial
Processing, where you may apply for a Personalised Reality Bubble™. Note: This
is a temporary measure and will dissolve when you acknowledge the obvious.
Can I appeal my erasure?
Yes! Appeals must be submitted in writing within 24 hours of
non-existence.
I don’t like the afterlife options provided. Can I choose
another?
All alternate realities and non-traditional afterlives are subject to availability. Some restrictions apply. No refunds.
Final Notes
As we conclude this guide, we at the DEC would like to thank
you for your patience and understanding. While the apocalypse was not
originally scheduled for this timeline, unforeseen circumstances have
necessitated early termination. We apologise for any inconvenience.
For additional queries, please contact our customer support
department. Response times may vary depending on the stability of time itself.
Good luck and have a pleasant End of Days!
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