Journal 2024-06-13

What’s the point of playing a charade all the time? It smothers the life inside.

If someone sees the weaknesses and failings of me, it doesn’t matter. I’m human with all the silliness and self-made suffering that entails.

Openness is far more important for having a genuine connection with others.

Be a better person for your suffering.

The most fulfilling aspect of being alive is love and intimacy.

Film Pitch

Initially, feedback from the run-through described the pitch as “mostly noise” with potential but in need of some work. However, during the actual meeting with the producers, the pitch had iterated overnight to become “interesting and current.” The producers highlighted several key points: the second act of the story was unclear and required further development, particularly in strengthening the romantic through line to help guide the viewer past the narrative’s darker elements. They suggested it should be written for television rather than film and set in the present to avoid prohibitive costs. Additionally, they recommended creating a proof-of-concept short film as the next step. And they pointed out that the pitch could have emphasised the origin and personal relevance elements that came out during the discussion.

Kicking the Tires

These days, I find myself needing to trim my nose and ears, and my teeth haven't lasted; I'm currently missing three molars, and it looks like a fourth might soon follow as a chunk of it recently broke off. Fortunately, dental implants for the departures and veneers for the rest will cover over everything. Despite these reminders, I feel like I'm physically in my twenties, perhaps even a little stronger than before. My diet is healthy, although maybe I have slightly overeaten. I don’t drink alcohol every day, or go beyond getting tipsy, and smoking has never appealed to me. I don’t do sun overexposure, which damages and ages skin badly. When it comes to sleep, if I go to bed earlier, I simply wake up earlier. Seven hours constitutes a very good night's sleep for me, though I usually average around six. I do a significant amount of cardiovascular exercise, primarily because I enjoy spending time outdoors. I also lift weights occasionally, though this is a habit I intend to change. I plan to incorporate regular weight training into my routine, recognising its increasing importance as I age, particularly for maintaining testosterone levels and bone density. While the exercises themselves may not be particularly interesting, I'll listen to podcasts or music to make it more enjoyable.

Journal 2024-03-16

I’m currently living on the corners of a triangle between Colchester, Cambridge, and London.

Being asked to write a poem in the afternoon and perform it in the evening was challenging. I spent 30 minutes writing rubbish that was thrown away, then 30 minutes wandering about mumbling; then sat in a quiet corner of the bar and wrote it in 20 minutes. Had dinner and the poem went down great, with a very generous response.

Another highlight was having professional actors pick out lines from my script and be generous with their comments. Different people in different contexts mentioned the word “beautiful”.

My weakness and my strength is that I do not defer to anyone like I am expected to. The great geniuses of the past I admire, but nobody living today receives that gushing appreciation from me. One celebrated person thought I had gone over to talk to her, although really I was passing by to visit the toilet and she had stopped me. She was very friendly and was enjoying the role of benign mentor figure. I appreciate her more not because of her acclaim others were fawning over but because she was nice to me. I later made a fool of myself by knocking over the Meeting Owl.

I love this time of year when everything is returning to life.

Lots of spam from my website so I removed the contact form. Bots just don’t seem to realise that telling me about once-in-a-lifetime deals on SEO opportunities for the 1,000th time isn’t really my thing.

I now have one less tooth.

2024

Looking back at what I said I was going to do in past years, I typically allowed myself to be blown off course, and ended up doing something else more unsatisfying instead. In terms of what was created in 2023, however, it was a good year for me.

I’ve got many things I want to do, but I must focus sequentially to make me more centred and resistant to events that easily move lighter intentions.

I will focus on writing for the first nine months of the year. This will include: The Mushroom Monsters, All the World’s a Stage, and the prequel/sequel to Human World that extends the themes and connects the narrative with Stange Stories.

My focus is then going to shift to performance. I want to film my music, my poetry, and scenes from my stories. They will be shot in interesting locations and will hopefully look good aesthetically.

But why? Because I feel that’s something I have to release out of me.

Journal 2023-07-22

Today I was dancing in the rain on a deserted beach with some seagulls.

It’s always a good idea to come alive before one dies.

When I was very small, my grandad assuredly told me that there is no such thing as God. Later that day, I couldn’t find the boot of one my action men anywhere. Frustrated, I said to God, "I promise I will believe in you if you show me the action man boot." I found it immediately when I looked in the pile of toys again. I kind of feel obliged to keep my promise.

Journal 2023-06-17

I think I have five main creative endeavours: writing, songwriting, singing, acting, art. A semi-creative set is finance with application development, which is how I earn money. All these areas are gradually inching forward. Looking back, I’m starting to feel pleased with the collection of works that have formed. I hope to be around for a few more decades, and for those inches to keep expanding.

I re-read Edgar Allen Poe’s, The Raven, and recorded myself as I did so. It’s a great narrative poem. I’ll do it another two to three times, and pick the best version.

I used to google questions, now I ask my friendly AI.

AI’s that have been trained on Doctor Who: “You will be automated! Automate! Automate!”

Journal 2023-05-28

The resources to improve oneself are all available online. Most people (including me) are bogged down with the distractions.

I’ve got a lot of work to do – too much for little me with the time available. I have to become good at prioritising and focusing. What is it that really matters?

The most important skill in life is to be able to focus attention on where you are, without being distracted by repetitive thoughts.

If speed is an indicator of intelligence then I have been extremely thick.

Any realisations I have were already given to me. I was too stupid/arrogant to absorb the suggestions.

I memorise and conceptualise better by taking notes as information is relayed.

The best way for me to fall asleep is to think of stories. I imagine scenes and I drift away.

Journal 2023-03-07

I’m currently writing a horror short story about a haunted elevator, called Floor 49. As well as scary, it is also satirising big corporations.

I’ve recently written a series of flash fiction stories; the screenplay versions will be included as a collection of Strange Stories. Floor 49 will be included as the feature.

How soon before some humans start to fall in love with AIs? Presumably they would want to cement their relationships in some way? A sci-fi (dystopian) concept: the AIs engineer their code to DNA so that they can have children with humans. The children are born as cyborgs.

My phone would be extremely annoying if I didn’t schedule the turning off of notifications for set times in the day. Most people don’t do this and get beeped at all day. Badges are turned off on emails as well, so I can check them as a batch rather than diverting attention for each instance.

Journal 2023-02-22

I had a dream where I thought I had a very good idea of establishing a coordinate system for each snooker ball, so that positions could be tracked over time across frames and matches. I woke up and thought, er so what? Another dream was more useful and correctly pointed out spelling mistakes.

Detect the problem; diagnose its cause; execute a plan for its resolution. For it to benefit you, frame it as a challenge: What is being learned? What opportunity does it present?

People are great actors because they really believe in their personalities. One of the best compliments I’ve had was when someone felt they had an epiphany and said to me, “you’re not one thing.” It’s a compliment because we all have to play archetypes as part of life; the mistake is thinking that is you. A curious, fluid mind-state is important because as archetypes inevitably tire in the losing battle against entropy, they become increasingly desperate, angry, and unhappy; and in some cases, crazed and cruel. All things change, great statues will turn to dust. Liberation is freedom from static constraints.

Since party politics mainly involves delivering prepared lines from prompts, can’t we just get the chatbots to do the job?

Journal 2023-02-04

I’ve been writing some poems as guides for when I am improvising lyrics for songs. The words sound a lot better when sung rather than when read on a page because lyrics only complete their meaning when married to the music.

Random Thoughts:

The weight of an issue is usually determined by the emotional force of the past, rather than being proportional to its real likelihood and impact.

The true objective of a game is enjoyment.

If you were 100 feet tall, would a tiger be like a kitty cat?

Journal 2022-11-29

A bed demon under my pillow forces my eyelids open at night so that I can doomscroll on Twitter.

Problem solved? The thing that was bothering you has come and gone like everything else. What’s next on the worry list? Maybe while you’re thinking like this, you could add a few more items – and for every one that goes away you could add three more. Or don’t. Most problems disappear when the thinking about them stops.

What happens when you get everything you think you wanted? Unless you change with the changing circumstance, you will still be in the same mode of lacking, and will still thirst for more.

The universe is both beautiful and horrific. From some higher level, where things don’t matter so much, it might all be viewed as a single magnificently interesting thread of life.

Late last night in the street, a blue illuminated face peered down into the glow and said, “Don’t worry Charlie, whatever’s gonna happen, gonna happen.” Wise words there in the darkness.

Self-discipline is a necessary virtue for any progress. A useful question to ask oneself is: what am I learning?

Live this moment with inner quality.

Being viewed as attractive is attractive. A woman turned on is a turn on.

Journal 2022-11-16

I’ve been working as a software engineer with domain knowledge in finance and trading. I can find it interesting, especially when I create something useful.

My main creative, potentially commercial, outlets are: writing, acting, singing, songwriting.

Visual art is important also as a personal outlet.

My main interest overall is lifelong learning.

Journal 2022-11-11

Any sequence of words should aspire to be a poetic turn of phrase.

I am currently reading ten books, dipping into each depending on mood.

I usually prefer to read novels while listening to the partner audiobooks—because this slows me down, helping me to observe and imagine more; and includes literally another sense of what is happening.

Some recent comments I’ve had about me on webcam: “angelic”, “a Sith Lord”, “a purple alien.” I think I need to change my lighting.

Journal 2022-10-22

If you are not trying to appease anyone; if you are not trying to appeal to a market demographic; and you don’t need anything: watch out, you might actually do something worthwhile.

The first-person narrative voice in novels should be unreliable if it is to be realistic; and usually, the narrator shouldn’t realise that.

Good acting makes any script interesting.

Imagine telling people in the pre-internet days that if they pay a few quid a month they would have instant access to over one million books. I remember there were subscription services of a similar cost that would send two or three books a month in the post. Public libraries were always a thing though, to be fair, and most books could be ordered to the local library if requested.

As well as the books and online services, libraries have great community importance in providing free internet access to people and a quiet space to study or work.

Journal 2022-09-13

Someone was asking me about the constitutional settlement in the UK, and I had to correct myself fives times by saying “the monarch” instead of “the Queen”. My mind just didn’t want to use the new words.

Kim Jong-un has a 100% approval rating by his adoring serfs. The Kremlin is getting there with all their 180-degree advances.

I think the biggest compliment I’ve had in my office life was, “if we could clone Rob, everything would work.” I remember because I laughed. 

When in ultra-efficient robot mode, I prefer asynchronous written communication over imprecise talking. I appreciate short, focused written updates at standard intervals, such as by a certain time of each day. A feature that sends reminders and tracks the updates would be useful.

Your state of mind can affect how you interpret the behaviour of others.

Search for a good lesson in a bad situation. Avoid bad habits in an easy situation.

Listening to podcasts helps me transition to and through unappealing routines.

Stress mode is not enjoyable but is productive for getting practical things done when the energy is focused on positive action rather than negative thoughts. My personal bests for creativity arrive when I am relaxed.

🖤 Dark chocolate with black coffee 🖤

I’ve got a thing for supremely dark chocolate. Sometimes I do speak literally.

Stories determine wellbeing. The ability to put self-told stories down, change them, or rewrite them, determines wellbeing. Every syllable counts.

The best stories speak from fundamental truth; the worst from secondary distorted sensations.

People assign themselves an identity from what society tells them. Imagine if that social situation is warped. Imagine if all that fell away. What is left, in terms of intrinsic worth?

Everything was interesting.

Journal 2022-09-04

Listening to classical music on headphones is a hack for me when I need to concentrate on one task for a sustained period of time. I think it calms the sea of thoughts that want to compete for attention.

I like designing apps using Figma. Bubble is a very easy way to prototype those designs.

I think I need to listen to the classical music in case other random massive project distractions just pop in.

I can only do comedy as a bizarre character, such as myself.

Just as we cringe at some of the motifs in old film and TV, hopefully future viewers will squirm at some of the current output.

Thinking based on the current point of the zigzagging trend can make you a well-fed sheep, on a mutton farm.

Journal 2022-08-24

To be ultra-confident you can either be a deranged narcissist or you can be yourself completely. The former is fragile, needing lies and selfishness to delay its inevitable demise; the latter invites a playful, open curiosity to life and what is.

There is no desire to convince others that you are happy when you are actually happy. There is no desire to show off to others when you have a sense of fulfilment. There is no hunger for external validation if you appreciate yourself. Showing off a glamorous lifestyle on social media as the suggested purpose of work is no purpose at all.

Initial ideas are easy only if they arrive from the lightbulb moment. The conditions that had to be in place for a person to be able to form original creative ideas were probably far from easy to obtain.

Journal 2022-08-21

I tried work once, but I prefer cake, selfies and sunsets.

Your mental state affects your physicality. It’s also true the other way round.

An interpretation of Human World is that Guy/John is mentally ill and is projecting the thoughts of his split personalities on his interpretation of events. It actually looks quite good on camera when he is in the location of the scenes and just speaking the parts of the first-person narrative to himself as a monologue, cut with green screen shots to camera. Projecting my narration on other characters in the scenes has a weird effect and also works. Film length will be about 8 hours. Accompanying music videos will use the same scenes and characters.

The novel will also be uploaded into the Wiberty app – which will enable effective indexing of themes and meta commentary. I want shared and collaborative indexing available for any text or body of work.

“Am I real?” It’s just you I’m afraid. We’re all NPCs.

If the fundamental questions are unanswerable as a condition of existence, then what matters is not what you think, but what you do - or more precisely, the quality of how you express life, now.

It is common fallacy that because a person believes they have thought through an issue logically and arrived at an objective conclusion, anyone who does not arrive at the same conclusion must be either stupid, dishonest or mistaken. In fact, taking the example of the judicial panel system, well-informed people can be presented with the same evidence in the same context, applying the same rules, and arrive at different conclusions.

People who mindlessly follow the current trend look moronic in the fullness of time. If they could momentarily step outside and look from a better vantage point, they would be ashamed of themselves. The heroes are the ones who held true, who showed bravery to resist. True wealth is the quality of your character, the actions you displayed, not the treats you received for picking the convenient easy option. Nothing you accumulate can be taken with you - your character and the quality of your actions were everything.

Journal 2022-08-16

Anything creative is therapeutic to me, even if it is just some simple words like these.

These are both acting and writing requirements:

Describe the scene in detail. What is he seeing, hearing, smelling, tasting, touching. What is he thinking? What is his emotional state? What does he want? What is his backstory? What happened immediately before? Describe him. What is his personality? What are his physical characteristics? What is he wearing? How does he talk?

Improvisation is realtime writing immersed in all of this. 

Random Thoughts:

Dogma is typically deceit enforced by cruelty and murder. Freedom of expression is the foundation of civilisation that emerged (after much struggle) from our brutal past.

Casting off the shackles of the KGB means winning the right not to be raped, tortured, mutilated and murdered.