A patient is sitting with his psychiatrist.
PSYCHIATRIST: So, Mr. Smith, how have you been feeling lately?
PATIENT: I’m doing great! The voices in my head tell me so.
PSYCHIATRIST: Voices?
PATIENT: Yeah, you know, the ones that tell me I’m not crazy.
PSYCHIATRIST: Mr. Smith, I think we need to explore this a bit further.
PATIENT: Oh, there’s nothing to explore, doc. The voices are my best friends.
PSYCHIATRIST: Are they telling you to do anything dangerous?
PATIENT: No, no, no. They just give me good advice.
PSYCHIATRIST: Such as?
PATIENT: Well, Kevin spoke for all the others when he told me that, if I don’t like a person, I should simply tell that person about the voices in my head.
PSYCHIATRIST: And did you?
PATIENT: Yes, I did, doctor.
PSYCHIATRIST: Erm, Mr. Smith, I think it’s time we try a different approach. Maybe some medication can help you.
PATIENT: (speaking differently) Oh, no, no, no. I don’t need any pills. The voices take good care of me.
PSYCHIATRIST: Your voice has changed. Am I talking to Kevin now?
PATIENT: Who’s Kevin?
PSYCHIATRIST: Kevin. The voice in your head.
PATIENT: Voice in my head? How ridiculous. I think you must be mad. Goodbye.
The patient gets up and starts to leave.
PSYCHIATRIST: Mr. Smith, I’m sorry, but I can’t let you leave like this. I insist that you take the medication prescribed to you.
PATIENT: What?! You can’t do that! The voices won’t like it.
PSYCHIATRIST: Ah! You see, the voices!
PATIENT: (speaking differently) Voices? Are you okay?
PSYCHIATRIST: Mr. Smith, I’m doing this for your own good. You need help.
The patient opens the door to leave.
PSYCHIATRIST: Stop! What about the voices? Who will take care of them? What will Kevin say, if you leave now! Please, don’t leave!
PATIENT: You’re not very well, are you. Would you like to lie down?
PSYCHIATRIST: Yes, erm, I’m not sure what came over me.
The psychiatrist takes a lie down on the couch.
PATIENT: Don’t worry, doc. There are plenty of voices in your head to keep themselves company.
The patient starts to write notes on a notepad, nodding sagely.
PATIENT: Can you tell me about their childhoods?
PSYCHIATRIST: I can tell you about the dreams they had last night, if you like?
PATIENT: Yes, please do. But I just to need to let you know that I charge for each personality. How many do you have?
PSYCHIATRIST: Actually there’s only one. He’s called Lesley. But he lies, and does funny voices.
PATIENT: I see. Can you tell me more about Lesley, please?
PSYCHIATRIST: He’s a… a psychiatrist. That’s it. A psychiatrist.
PATIENT: Like you. I see.
PSYCHIATRIST: Lesley has 3 voices: Kevin, Jason, and Jessica.
PATIENT: Kevin, eh? Can you tell me about Kevin?
PSYCHIATRIST: Kevin has 4 voices: Dave, Bert, Gertrude, and Jezebel.
PATIENT: Hmmm. Can you tell me about Dave?
PSYCHIATRIST: Dave has 5 voices…
PATIENT: Yes, yes, alright. I get the picture. So how does this all make you feel?
PSYCHIATRIST: Well, it can be pretty noisy when Kevin invites all his voices to come in and talk, so I ask my psychiatrist…
PATIENT: Lesley?
PSYCHIATRIST: Yes, Lesley. He psychoanalyses me.
PATIENT: I see.
There is a knock at the door.
PSYCHIATRIST: Come in.
Another patient walks in, carrying two tennis rackets.
PATIENT: Ah Kevin, please take a seat. Don’t mind me, I’m just leaving.
KEVIN: Thanks Lesley.
The patient leaves through the door, past a very long queue of different looking people standing outside, who are all waiting to enter the psychiatrist’s office.
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