Small talk is an art—one that, when wielded correctly, can turn brief, forgettable encounters into excruciating experiences people will remember forever. Whether you’re at a party, in a lift, or trapped in an Uber with a driver who just won’t take a hint, here’s a foolproof guide to ensuring your small talk is as uncomfortable as humanly possible.
1. Start With a Wildly Inappropriate Icebreaker
Most people ease into conversation with something light—weather, current events, a vague compliment. Boring. Instead, kick things off with something truly unsettling:
• “Ever wonder what your last words will be?”
• “Do you think your cat secretly hates you?”
• “I read somewhere that eating too much rhubarb can kill you. Anyway, what’s your name?”
Watch as their eyes widen in mild panic, and congratulations—you’ve already made an impact.
2. Make Every Compliment Slightly Creepy
If you must resort to a compliment, make sure it leaves the recipient with more questions than answers.
• Instead of: “Nice jacket!”
• Say: “That jacket really suits you. I knew it would.”
• Instead of: “You have great hair.”
• Say: “Your hair reminds me of someone… but I can’t remember who. They disappeared under mysterious circumstances.”
3. Ask Deeply Personal Questions Immediately
Forget polite chit-chat; real connections happen fast. Cut through the nonsense and demand emotional vulnerability from the start.
• “When was the last time you cried in public?”
• “Do you consider yourself a good person, or just someone who avoids getting caught?”
If they hesitate, maintain unblinking eye contact until they answer.
4. Answer Every Question in the Most Confusing Way Possible
If someone tries to steer the conversation back to normal, resist.
• Them: “So, what do you do for work?”
• You: “I mostly haunt places.”
• Them: “How’s your evening going?”
• You: “Better than most. Worse than some. Time is a flat circle.”
• Them: “Do you live around here?”
• You: “In a sense.”
Now they’ll have to decide if they want to dig deeper or run. Either way, you win.
5. Respond to Every Silence with an Overly Intense Statement
Nothing kills a conversation like an awkward pause. Which is why you should fill those pauses—with something that immediately makes everyone regret starting this interaction in the first place.
• “I used to make plans. Then I realised everything we do is just a distraction from the inevitable.”
• “If you had to fight one person here, who would it be?”
6. Exit the Conversation on the Most Suspicious Note Possible
If your interlocutor somehow stays this long, it’s time for a grand finale. Leave the conversation with a vague yet haunting remark, ensuring they think about you long after you’re gone.
• “I should go. The police are probably looking for me.”
• “Well, enjoy your night. And remember: don’t answer the door if you hear knocking after midnight.”
Then simply walk away, leaving them with nothing but a deep sense of unease.
Final Thoughts
Making small talk is an essential life skill, but making memorable small talk is high art. By following this guide, you can ensure that strangers will not only regret speaking to you but possibly rethink their entire approach to social interaction.
And isn’t that what conversation is all about?
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