Hollywood executives have unveiled an ambitious new initiative to remake, reboot, and reimagine every single movie that has ever existed, ensuring that original ideas will remain safely buried where they belong.
The announcement included a slate of upcoming remakes, including:
• Titanic (2026) – Now a cinematic universe where multiple Titanics sink across different timelines.
• The Godfather (2027) – Starring a TikTok influencer with 50 million followers but no acting experience.
• Jaws (2028) – Remade with 100% CGI and a gritty backstory for the shark where he’s actually the misunderstood hero.
• Citizen Kane (2030) – Reworked as a musical with EDM remixes and a post-credits scene teasing a sequel.
Industry analysts say the strategy is foolproof.
“Think about it,” said film historian Mark Reynolds. “If you watch a movie as a kid, then Hollywood remakes it when you’re an adult, you’ll go watch it for nostalgia. Then, when you’re old, they’ll remake it again, and you’ll go see it for nostalgia of your nostalgia.”
Some critics have voiced concerns that Hollywood’s obsession with remakes is killing creativity.
However, studio representatives dismissed these fears, stating:
“As long as people keep showing up, we’ll keep pressing Ctrl+C, Ctrl+V.”
What’s Next?
Looking ahead, Hollywood is already working on the remake of the remake of the remake of Spider-Man.
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