Love is blind, they say. But is it this blind? You thought you found the perfect partner—charming, mysterious, maybe a little jittery—but something just feels… off. They disappear for long periods, avoid direct questions, and seem way too interested in nuts. Could it be that your significant other isn’t a single human being at all, but rather five squirrels working together in an elaborate disguise?
Here are some clear warning signs that you may, in fact, be dating a highly coordinated team of woodland rodents.
1. They Avoid Sitting in Chairs Like a Normal Person
Have you ever actually seen them sit in a chair properly? No, they either crouch on the edge, sit bolt upright with an unnatural stiffness, or refuse to sit at all. They might even grip the chair arms a little too tightly, as if struggling against gravity. Almost as if… they’re trying to prevent the whole operation from toppling over.
2. They’re Weirdly Obsessed with Trees
A casual stroll in the park turns into an uncomfortable experience. Their eyes dart toward every tree, their whole body (bodies?) tensing. They get distracted mid-conversation whenever they spot an oak, and they always suggest sitting under a tree instead of at a café. One time, you caught them stroking the bark and whispering, “Home.”
3. Their Diet Consists Almost Entirely of Nuts and Berries
When you first started dating, you thought it was just a quirky personality trait. “Oh, they’re just really into healthy snacks!” But now that you think about it, they’ve never ordered anything at a restaurant that requires cutlery. They recoil at the sight of soup, avoid pasta like the plague, and get visibly excited whenever they spot an unattended bowl of peanuts.
4. Their Hands Are Always Hidden
Gloves. Long sleeves. A firm commitment to pockets. They refuse to let you see their hands, no matter how many times you jokingly ask, “What, are you hiding something?” If you do manage to catch a glimpse, they seem… smaller than expected. Strangely dexterous. Suspiciously furry.
5. Their Speech Patterns Are Strange and Repetitive
They keep repeating phrases like “Yes, indeed, what a normal human thing to say” or “Ah, the stock market, of course, a topic I understand.” Their vocabulary leans heavily toward survivalist themes: “Dangerous world out there.” “Must be alert at all times.” “Food storage is key.” If you ask them about their childhood, they get evasive and say something cryptic like, “I was raised in the trees.”
6. They Have a Deep-Seated Fear of Dogs
You introduce them to your friend’s Labrador, and suddenly, they’re on edge. Their body stiffens, their eyes widen, and they slowly start edging toward the nearest tree. When the dog finally notices them and barks, they disappear so fast you barely see them go. Later, they claim they “just had somewhere to be.”
7. You Once Caught Them Trying to Fit Into a Postbox
This should have been the moment you realised. Maybe it was a dare, maybe they said they “dropped something,” but no normal human attempts to crawl inside a postbox with such determination. When you confronted them, they panicked and threw a handful of acorns at you before bolting at an inhuman speed.
What To Do If You Suspect Your Partner is Five Squirrels in a Trench Coat
• Test their reflexes. Drop something suddenly—do they dart after it with alarming precision?
• Offer them a salad. If they pick out everything except the nuts, you have your answer: you’re dating an unstable stack of rodents.
At this point, you have two choices:
1. Confront them. Sit them down (if they can sit) and ask for the truth.
2. Accept it. Maybe love really is blind. Maybe five squirrels working together in perfect harmony is actually the most romantic thing of all.
Either way, just know this: your relationship will require a steady supply of cashews.
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