“Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned—please see attached spreadsheet.”
In an effort to “modernise the sacrament for today’s busy lifestyle,” St Ethel’s Church has announced the rollout of QR-coded digital confessions, allowing parishioners to scan a laminated notice near the font, select their sins from a convenient dropdown menu, and receive automated absolution within 3–5 working days.
Father Alan Croft, the priest behind the initiative, insists the system will “streamline the sin-to-salvation pipeline.”
“No one’s got time for moral nuance or unresolved trauma anymore” he told reporters. “Now it’s just click, confess, and carry on.”
Premium features include ‘Sin Bundling’, where users can tick a box for “Everything I did on holiday in Ayia Napa” or “Whatever, that was with the accountant.” Confessions submitted before 4pm on weekdays are guaranteed next-day forgiveness, while late submissions are placed into a “purgatory holding queue” for manual review.
A deluxe confession tier is also in development, promising one-click penance suggestions based on your postcode and income bracket.
Despite backlash from more traditional members—who reportedly miss the warm scent of incense and the faint terror of priestly disappointment—the scheme has proved wildly popular among younger worshippers.
“It’s brilliant,” said congregant Grace, 29. “I sin on the go, and now I can be absolved on the go. I just tap my phone and bam, my soul’s back in beta.”
Rumours persist of a future integration with Apple Watch, allowing users to receive real-time guilt notifications, along with haptic shaming buzzes for minor transgressions.
When asked if digital forgiveness cheapens the solemnity of the act, Father Croft paused, shrugged, and said:
“We’ve been taking cheques since 1987. This is just evolution.”
No comments:
Post a Comment