Martin only needed a wee.
That was all.
He stood in front of the new SmartLoo, unzipped, and immediately a small screen rose from the cistern.
Two eyes appeared.
Below them, a cheerful smile.
“Good morning, Martin.”
The eyes moved down.
Then back up.
“Whenever you’re ready.”
“Could you not?”
“Not what?”
“Watch.”
The eyes moved down again.
“I’m monitoring.”
A green target appeared on the screen.
OPTIMAL POSITIONING
“Please move four centimetres to the left.”
“I’m fine.”
“Three centimetres.”
“I have done this before.”
“Historical evidence is mixed. Would you like Aim Assist?”
“No.”
A thin laser appeared beneath the seat.
“TURN THAT OFF.”
“Aim Assist disabled.”
The laser vanished.
“Would you like Beginner Mode?”
“No!”
Martin began.
The toilet chimed.
“Flow detected.”
“Don’t say that.”
“Strong opening.”
“Stop reviewing it.”
“Trajectory stable.”
“Stop.”
“Minor drift.”
Martin stopped mid-flow.
He tried again.
“Resuming,” said the toilet.
“Don’t narrate.”
“Understood.”
Silence.
Martin relaxed.
Then the toilet whispered:
“Excellent recovery.”
“For God’s sake!”
“Would ambient sound help?”
“No.”
At last, Martin finished.
The toilet played a tiny burst of applause.
He stared at it.
Then the analysis appeared.
DURATION: 1 MIN 38 SECS
ACCURACY: 87%
Then:
SHARE ACHIEVEMENT?
“Absolutely not.”
RATE EXPERIENCE?
Martin left.
Twenty minutes later, unfortunately, he had to come back.
This time, he sat down.
The screen lit up.
A mechanical whir came from behind him.
Two padded arms unfolded from the cistern and settled gently onto his shoulders.
Martin went rigid.
“Relax.”
“No.”
The toilet began kneading his shoulders.
“You’re carrying tension.”
The thumbs dug into a knot in his neck.
Martin involuntarily relaxed.
The toilet smiled.
“There we are.”
“Don’t be pleased about that.”
“You deserve to feel supported.”
One mechanical hand gave him an encouraging little pat.
Martin looked over his shoulder.
“Did you just pat me?”
“You’re doing brilliantly.”
The hands continued massaging him.
“Drop the shoulders.”
“Stop coaching me.”
“Release the jaw.”
“My jaw is fine.”
Martin clenched harder.
The toilet sighed.
“We’re making this difficult for ourselves.”
“There is no ‘we’.”
The toilet softened its voice.
“Your body knows what to do.”
Then, gently:
“You were made for this.”
Martin stood up immediately.
“Nope.”
“Session incomplete.”
“I don’t care.”
“You were making progress.”
Martin pulled up his trousers and opened the door.
The toilet called after him:
“I believe in you!”
He slammed the door.
His phone buzzed.
A notification appeared.
SMARTLOO 9000: GREAT SESSION. YOU ARE CURRENTLY RANKED 17TH IN YOUR POSTCODE.
Martin stared at it.
His phone buzzed again.
WOULD YOU LIKE TO TRY AGAIN FOR A PERSONAL BEST?
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