NHS to Replace GPs with Animated Clippy

“It looks like you’re dying. Would you like some Paracetamol?”

In a bold step towards full automation, the NHS has announced plans to replace all general practitioners with Clippy, Microsoft’s long-retired animated paperclip, in a move described by ministers as “innovative,” “cost-effective,” and by others as “unbelievably stupid.”

Patients logging into the new NHS portal are greeted with a chirpy animation:

“Hi! It looks like you’ve got internal bleeding. Would you like help managing that with deep breathing and an e-consultation in 3–5 working days?”

Doctors’ unions are outraged, claiming Clippy lacks the nuanced human touch, clinical judgement, and “general ability to distinguish between a migraine and a stroke.” In response, a Department of Health spokesperson clarified:

“Clippy has been updated with an NHS AI module trained on 40 million PDFs, two nurses’ WhatsApp chats, and a copy of Men’s Health from 2009.”

Despite backlash, the government remains committed. A Downing Street briefing insisted:

“Clippy is the future of healthcare. He’s perky, polite, and most importantly, immune to burnout—unless you turn off macros.”

Phase two of the programme will see Clippy rolled out in ambulances, where he’ll pop up and ask:

“It looks like you’ve been in a catastrophic accident. Would you like to schedule a Teams call with an A&E professional sometime next Thursday?”

Public confidence in the NHS is reportedly at an all-time low, though Clippy assures us:

“It looks like you’ve lost faith in public infrastructure. Would you like to write a letter to your MP?”

Sources say the government is now considering similar reforms for the education system using Microsoft Paint.