She Said Talk Dirty, So I Mentioned the Kitchen

She wore her silky nightdress,

With a sparkle in her eye,

And whispered, “Talk dirty to me,”

As I loosened up my tie.

She pulled me close and murmured,

“Say something filthy, dear,”

So I told her how the kitchen bin

Had leaked for half a year.

She said, “Oh, be more daring!

I want to hear you swear!”

I said, “The bloody oven’s broke,

And there’s cobwebs everywhere!”

She purred, “I want you naughty,

I want you crude and rough.”

I said, “The toilet’s overflowing,

And the plumbing’s had enough!”

She said, “I want it hotter!”

Her breathing getting fast.

I said, “The fridge is overheating,

I don’t think it’s going to last!”

She cried, “Oh, give me passion!

Come on, you sexy brute!”

I said, “There’s something growing

In your favourite walking boot.”

She said, “You drive me crazy!”

I said, “I thought as much,

There’s something dead behind the stove

I’ve been too scared to touch!”

Now love’s a funny business,

And romance can be tough,

She asked me to talk dirty,

So I told her filthy stuff.

I thought I’d be seductive,

So I mentioned rotting food,

But apparently a blocked-up drain

Doesn’t get a woman in the mood!