Translate

Thursday, 9 January 2025

The Last Train

Ellie checked her phone for the tenth time on the empty platform. 23:57. The last train was supposed to arrive three minutes ago, but the digital board now flashed in bold red: CANCELLED.

She let out a frustrated sigh and sank onto a bench. Rain dripped from the edges of the station’s canopy, catching the dim glow of yellow, fluorescent lights.

“Missed it too?”

The voice startled her. She glanced up to see a man, mid-thirties perhaps, standing a few feet away. He had an umbrella tucked under one arm, water dripping from the ends of his dark hair. His suit jacket looked expensive but thoroughly soaked.

“Looks like it,” Ellie replied, trying to sound polite but distant. He didn’t seem to notice her tone.

“Brilliant, isn’t it? Last train, and it’s just… gone.” He gestured dramatically at the empty tracks. “Like it never existed.”

Ellie gave him a thin smile, hoping it would dissuade further conversation. But instead, he dropped onto the other end of the bench.

“Name’s Blake,” he offered.

“Hi,” she responded, reluctantly.

She knew she should get up and call a taxi. But, for a moment, they sat in silence, listening to the rhythmic patter of rain. Then Blake leaned forward, resting his elbows on his knees.

“So, what’s your excuse for being here this late? Let me guess—workaholic? Or maybe you’re running from a torrid love affair?” His grin was disarming, playful without being intrusive.

Ellie snorted despite herself. “Nothing so dramatic. Just bad luck, mostly.”

“Bad luck? That’s vague.”

She shrugged. “Missed the earlier train because I was stuck helping a customer. Retail life, you know?”

Blake nodded knowingly, though his tailored suit suggested he probably didn’t. “Ah, the noble life of serving the public. I salute you.”

“What about you?” Ellie asked, turning the question back on him. “What’s your excuse?”

Blake’s grin faltered slightly, and for a moment, he looked as though he were searching for an answer. “Work meeting ran late,” he said finally. “Caught in traffic, then—well, here I am. Story of my life, really. Always a step behind.”

Ellie raised an eyebrow. “You sound oddly resigned to it.”

He chuckled. “Maybe I am. Or maybe I’m just tired of fighting against fate.”

They fell quiet again, the awkwardness replaced by a curious sense of ease. Ellie glanced at him out of the corner of her eye. There was something strange about Blake, though she couldn’t quite put her finger on it. His presence felt… familiar, as if she’d met him before in some dream she couldn’t recall.

“You know,” Blake said suddenly, “there’s something almost poetic about this. Two strangers, stranded together in the middle of the night. Feels like the start of one of those rom-coms, doesn’t it?”

Ellie laughed. “If this were a rom-com, the train would magically appear, and we’d both realise it was fate.”

“Exactly!” Blake agreed, his enthusiasm infectious. “Then there’d be some dramatic twist—like, you’d be moving to Paris tomorrow, and this would be our last chance to confess our undying love.”

“Undying love?” Ellie teased. “Bit much, don’t you think?”

“Not if it’s fate,” he said with mock seriousness. “Fate loves a bit of drama.”

Ellie was about to retort when her phone buzzed. She glanced at the screen: a notification from her calendar. Mum’s anniversary – 9:00am. Her chest tightened.

“You okay?” Blake asked, his voice softer now.

She hesitated, then nodded. “Yeah. Just… tomorrow’s a hard day.”

Blake studied her for a moment, his expression unreadable. “Want to talk about it?”

Ellie shook her head. “Not really.”

“Fair enough,” he said. “But, for what it’s worth, sometimes the hardest days turn out to be the most important.”

She frowned at him, puzzled by the weight of his words. Before she could respond, the faint rumble of an engine echoed in the distance. A train’s headlights pierced through the rain as it pulled into the station.

Blake stood, brushing water droplets from his trousers. “Looks like our miracle train’s here.”

Ellie rose too, suddenly reluctant to let the moment end. “Where are you headed?”

Blake smiled faintly. “This is where we part ways, I’m afraid.”

The train doors slid open with a hiss, and Blake stepped back. She paused in the doorway, glancing over her shoulder.

“Hey, Blake?”

“Yeah?”

“Thanks. For the company, I mean.”

He nodded. “Take care, Ellie.”

She stepped inside, the doors closing behind her. As the train pulled away, Ellie turned to look out the window. But the platform was empty. Blake was gone.

It wasn’t until much later, as she lay in bed replaying the night in her mind, that she realised something strange: she’d never told him her name.

Clause and Effect

Setting: A dusty attic. A Lawyer in a suit wipes off an ancient lamp and jumps back as a Genie emerges in a cloud of smoke, dressed in traditional genie garb but looking slightly weary.

Genie: (booming voice) Behold! I am the great and powerful Genie of the Lamp! You have awakened me, mortal, and I shall grant you three wishes!

Lawyer: (pulling out a notepad and pen) Three wishes, you say? Excellent. But before we proceed, I just have a few clarifying questions.

Genie: (blinking) Uh… sure. But let’s not overcomplicate this. Just say what you want, and poof—done.

Lawyer: (scribbling notes) Mmm, tempting. But I’ve seen too many “wish gone wrong” situations in popular culture. Can’t risk it. Now, let’s discuss the terms. (flips open a briefcase, pulls out a contract template)

Genie: (groaning) Oh no. Not one of these.

Lawyer: (ignoring him) Right. First question: What exactly constitutes a “wish”? Is it a verbal statement of desire, or do I need to phrase it in a specific way?

Genie: (scratching his head) Uh, I dunno. You just say it, and I grant it.

Lawyer: (narrowing eyes) Hmm. Ambiguous. Let’s define “wish” for the record. (starts typing on a laptop) “Wish (n): A verbalised request for a specific outcome, stated in clear and unambiguous terms, as recognised by the Genie…”

Genie: (interrupting) Look, mate, I’ve been doing this for centuries, and no one’s needed a contract. Can we just get to the magic part?

Lawyer: (pointing a pen at the Genie) And that’s precisely why you need one. What if I ask for a million pounds, and you deliver it in counterfeit bills? Or I wish for a dream house, and it’s haunted? No loopholes, Genie. Not on my watch.

(The Lawyer lays out a growing pile of papers on the table, complete with flowcharts and a checklist. The Genie looks increasingly exasperated.)

Lawyer: (writing) Clause 1: No malicious compliance. Clause 2: Wishes cannot harm the wisher physically, emotionally, or financially. Clause 3: No ironic twists. I don’t want to wish for “eternal life” and end up as a tree.

Genie: You humans are so distrusting. I’m not here to trick you!

Lawyer: (without looking up) Statistically, 87% of genie-related anecdotes suggest otherwise.

Genie: Stupid Reddit threads… Look, if it helps, I’m not that kind of genie. I’m not here to monkey-paw your wishes. I’m more of a “give you what you want, no questions asked” type.

Lawyer: (smirking) No questions asked? Perfect. Addendum C: If the Genie delivers a wish that violates any clause of the contract, the wisher is entitled to reparations, monetary or otherwise, at the discretion of—

Genie: (snapping) OKAY! That’s it. Just make a wish! Any wish! I’ll do it! I promise not to twist it!

Lawyer: (holding up the contract) Not until you sign.

(The Genie sighs and reluctantly signs the contract. The Lawyer smiles triumphantly.)

Lawyer: Excellent. Now, for my first wish: I want one trillion pounds deposited into my bank account.

Genie: (snapping his fingers) Done!

(An alert appears on the Lawyer’s phone saying: “You have received £1,000,000,000,000 from A. Genie)

Genie: (crossing arms) Told you I’m legit. Can we move on now?

Lawyer: Not so fast. (points to the contract) Sub-clause 2.3 requires documentation on the money’s source. I don’t want MI6 knocking on my door because it was “borrowed” from the Bank of England.

Genie: (snapping fingers again) Fine! Here’s a receipt!

(A golden scroll appears in midair. The Lawyer grabs it and examines it closely.)

Lawyer: Hmm. “Source: Magical Treasury.” Acceptable. For my second wish, I want to be the smartest person in the world.

Genie: (nodding) Easy. (snaps fingers) Done.

Lawyer: (pauses, then narrows his eyes) Wait. Did you just shrink everyone else’s IQ to make me look better?

Genie: Oh, for crying out loud! You’re still you, but now you know the cure for cancer, the secret to world peace, and how to win at Monopoly every time. Happy?

Lawyer: (grinning) Very. But if I find out this intelligence is temporary or conditional—

Genie: (cutting him off) It’s permanent! Next wish!

Lawyer: For my third wish…

(He pauses dramatically, flipping through the contract.)

Genie: (groaning) Just say it!

Lawyer: (grinning) I wish for infinite wishes.

Genie: (laughing) Ah, the classic rookie move! You can’t wish for more wishes.

Lawyer: (smirking) Actually, according to Section 5, Subsection A of this contract, there’s no explicit prohibition on that. Unless, of course, you’d like to renegotiate the terms?

Genie: (grabbing the contract and flipping through it) You… sneaky little—Fine! You win. Infinite wishes. Happy now?

Lawyer: (grinning) Ecstatic. But let’s amend the contract for clarity. I’ll need—

Genie: (snapping fingers, disappearing back into the lamp) Nope. You can wish as much as like but I’m out. This is all now just a day-dream! Have fun with your infinite wishes. Byeeeeee!

(The Lawyer stares at the lamp, stunned.)

Lawyer: (to himself) Well, guess I’ll start drafting my terms for when I rub it again.

(He walks off, with a stack of contracts in hand.)

Sunday, 5 January 2025

Poets’ Corner After Dark

Setting: Westminster Abbey’s South Transept at midnight. The moonlight filters through stained glass windows. The statues and busts of Poets’ Corner begin to stir, their voices echoing through the hallowed halls.

(A loud creak. Geoffrey Chaucer, a bronze statue, stretches and yawns, his metal joints groaning.)

Chaucer: By the great quill of destiny, what hour be this? Midnight? Time flies when one is petrified.

(Nearby, William Shakespeare, carved in marble, rubs his forehead dramatically.)

Shakespeare: To wake or not to wake—alas, the question answers itself! I feel a cramp in my heroic couplets.

(Charles Dickens, his bust high on a pedestal, speaks with a grumble.)

Dickens: If anyone thinks I’ll write another serial after this, they’re gravely mistaken. I’ve spent decades staring at pigeons. It’s intolerable!

(Jane Austen’s stone figure comes to life.)

Austen: And yet, men will complain, even when dead. Can we focus? Why are we waking up tonight?

Chaucer: Methinks the moon shines brighter on this eve. ’Tis a summons from the Muses! Or possibly the Abbey Wi-Fi acting up again.

(Lord Byron saunters in dramatically, wearing his perpetual stone smirk.)

Byron: (mockingly) Ah, the gang’s all here. Chaucer, the dusty relic; Shakespeare, the eternal show-off; and Dickens, the poster boy for misery. Truly, a cavalcade of brilliance.

Dickens: Oh, look, it’s Byron, the original influencer. What’s the matter? No one liked your latest tragic sonnet?

Byron: I don’t need “likes,” Charles. My despair is timeless. Unlike your serialised sob stories.

(John Keats and Percy Bysshe Shelley drift in, looking lost.)

Keats: (nervously) Um, hello. Is this… the afterlife’s book club?

Shelley: Keats, I told you, stop asking. Byron’s not in charge—he just acts like it.

(Jane Austen steps forward, brushing dust off her stone gown.)

Austen: We’re supposed to be inspiring the living, not squabbling like characters in a poorly written farce.

Shakespeare: (indignant) Poorly written? Madam, I invented farce! And tragedy, for that matter.

Austen: Yes, we’ve noticed. We all have to hear about it nightly.

(A faint humming noise grows. The Abbey’s speakers accidentally start playing a modern audiobook. The poets recoil in horror as an AI voice reads a romance novel.)

Audiobook Narrator: “He gazed into her eyes, his chiselled jaw trembling with passion…”

(Byron claps his hands over his ears.)

Byron: What fresh hell is this?

Austen: Modern romance. Quite popular, actually.

Shakespeare: Chiselled jaws? Trembling passion? I’d sooner see my plays rewritten as musicals!

(Chaucer waves his arms to get attention.)

Chaucer: Quiet, all! Methinks we must intervene. The living have clearly lost their literary way.

Dickens: Yes! Let us haunt the publishers until they restore proper storytelling. No more sparkling vampires or billionaire love triangles!

Austen: Or, we could just give them… guidance. Perhaps they’re not all lost causes.

Byron: (smirking) Speak for yourself. I’d rather haunt Instagram.

(As the poets argue, a security guard enters, holding a torch. The beam of light freezes everyone mid-motion. For a moment, they look like statues again. The guard scratches his head.)

Guard: (muttering) Blimey, I need to cut back on the night shifts. Thought I saw Shakespeare wink at me.

(The guard leaves, muttering about getting coffee. As soon as the door shuts, the poets burst into laughter.)

Shakespeare: Winking? A tragedy I didn’t invent earlier!

Austen: Let’s focus. If we’re going to inspire, we need to reach the world. But how?

(A moment of silence. Then Chaucer speaks up, grinning.)

Chaucer: TikTok?

(The others groan in unison.)

(The poets work together, scribbling with imaginary quills and creating ethereal manuscripts that float in the air. Byron spends most of his time striking poses.)

Austen: (reading) “We, the spirits of Poets’ Corner, call upon you, dear writers, to elevate your craft! Write with wit, depth, and meaning!”

Dickens: And no clichés! If I see one more “chosen one” narrative, I shall weep.

Shelley: (excitedly) Let’s send it out on the wind! A ghostly manuscript carried by the night air.

Byron: Or… we could just leave it in the gift shop.

(They pause. Byron shrugs. The poets reluctantly agree.)

(As dawn approaches, they resume their statuesque forms, ready to inspire from their silent vigil once more.)

Epilogue: The Gift Shop

(The next day, a tourist picks up the mysterious manuscript and chuckles.)

Tourist: “A Declaration from the Poets of Westminster Abbey?” Must be some clever marketing.

(The tourist pockets it away. Meanwhile, in Poets’ Corner, Shakespeare’s statue winks.) 

Saturday, 4 January 2025

The Diary of Aurelia Windmere

Date: 16th July 1347
Location: Florence, Italy

The plague has arrived, they say, riding the wind from faraway lands. I should be frightened, but curiosity holds me tighter than fear. The healers speak of “bad air” and demons, while merchants mutter about God’s wrath. I’ve spent the morning sketching remedies in the marketplace—garlic necklaces, amulets, and crucifixes. But I am not afraid. Not yet. After all, how long can I linger here before the threads of time call me elsewhere?

Date: 14th February 1854
Location: Aboard the RMS Titania

The ship rocks gently beneath my feet, a lullaby of creaking timbers and salt air. The passengers are abuzz with excitement about the new world waiting for us in America. I have taken to wearing a corset to blend in, though I despise the restriction.

I spent the afternoon sketching the machinery in the engine room, marvelling at how this era’s technology seems both primitive and ingenious. The captain invited me to dine at his table tonight. I wonder what he would say if he knew I had seen his ship displayed in a maritime museum centuries later, reduced to a scale model and a placard.

Date: 4th November 1929
Location: New York City, USA

The crash was only last week, but the city already feels like a graveyard. I watched men in suits weep on Wall Street, their fortunes scattered like confetti. I’ve taken to sitting in speakeasies, listening to jazz that vibrates with desperation and defiance. The music is a spark in the gloom.

Tonight, I met a man named Louis, a saxophonist who played as though the world wasn’t crumbling around him. “Music,” he said, “is how we keep time from swallowing us whole.” I didn’t tell him how literal those words are for me.

Date: 12th October 2156
Location: Lunar Colony Alpha

The Earth is just a blue dot in the distance, almost too small to remember. Here, life is regimented: three hours of work, three hours of “recreation,” then lights out. I tried to ask the Overseer about the forests and rivers back on Earth, but he looked at me like I was malfunctioning. It seems humanity traded nature for the cold precision of metal and glass.

Still, the stars are beautiful here—so close, they feel like they might burn through the dome and swallow us whole. Tonight, I sneaked out to watch the constellations. For a moment, I thought I saw an ancient ship, its sails catching the light of a thousand suns.

Date: 11th November 2377
Location: The Edge of the Andromeda Galaxy

The starship hums around me, its walls alive with glowing circuits. We’ve just crossed into uncharted space, the crew jubilant despite the vast emptiness stretching before us. The captain invited me to the observation deck, where we gazed at a nebula swirling in hues of violet and gold.

I’ve seen Earth’s history unfold, but this moment feels different—like the future itself is holding its breath. What will humanity become out here, so far from home? The stars don’t answer. They simply watch, as they always have.

Date: 3rd April 3012
Location: Neo-Atlantis

The city floats above the waves, its spires glinting with sunlight filtered through the ocean’s surface. Neo-Atlantis is humanity’s refuge after the Rising Seas claimed the continents. The people here speak a hybrid language—snippets of English, Mandarin, and an electronic hum I can’t decipher. They wear clothes made of shimmering bio-fabric, which shifts colours with their emotions.

Today, I visited the archives, where holograms of old cities are displayed like relics. London, Paris, Cairo—all submerged, their histories reduced to flickering lights. I wondered if anyone here remembers what it was like to walk on solid ground.

Date: Unknown
Location: The Fractured Reality

The air here is thick with colours that do not exist in any other timeline. Shadows move without bodies, speaking secrets in languages that bypass the ears and sink straight into the mind. I do not know how I arrived here, only that the usual rules of time and space have ceased to apply.

I found a clock suspended in midair, its hands moving backwards. Beneath it, a sign reads: "Here lies the moment you lost yourself." For the first time in my travels, I feel untethered. I am not sure I want to stay, but I am also reluctant to leave.

Date: Unknown
Location: The Library at the End of Time

I’ve found it at last—a place I’d only heard whispers of in the cracks of history. The Library exists outside of time, its halls stretching infinitely in every direction. Books, scrolls, and tablets fill the shelves, containing every story ever told and untold. I wandered before finding a desk with a blank book waiting for me.

The ink flows effortlessly as I write these words, as if the Library itself is recording my journey. Am I the first to find this place? Surely not. But I feel at home here, among these echoes of eternity.

Tuesday, 31 December 2024

Resolutions

I will aim to be more physical in 2025. I would like to live more through connection to full-body presence than static thinking.

Viewing social media is addictive but doesn’t make me feel good, so I will aim to not look at it much. I think that, for me personally, it can pollute and over-stimulate my mind, and often distracts me from better ways to live.

I have a list of ten life areas I aim to attend to each day. The balance of attention can change according to the events of the day, and the outcomes, if I focus on where I am and what I am doing, can look after themselves.

I will aim to write down my thoughts and actions rather than loop in my head on issues and imagined future scenarios.

I would like to be more of a fully functioning human being this year. I would like to help. If possible, I would like real, genuine human connection.

Saturday, 28 December 2024

Off the Menu

Scene: A restaurant is moderately busy. A customer, REGINALD, sits at a table with a menu, tapping it rhythmically with a fork. The WAITER approaches with a polite smile.

WAITER: Good evening, sir. Have you decided what you’d like?

REGINALD: Yes, indeed. I’ll start with an amuse-bouche.

WAITER: Certainly. We have—

REGINALD: I’ll have a single kumquat stuffed with wasabi and garnished with edible gold leaf.

WAITER: I’m afraid we don’t have kumquats, sir. Or edible gold leaf.

REGINALD: No kumquats? In this economy? Fine, I’ll settle for a pickled ostrich egg, sliced thinly, served on a single lotus leaf.

WAITER: We don’t have ostrich eggs either, sir.

REGINALD: All right, let’s move on. For the main course, I’ll have… hmm… an elk steak, medium-rare, infused with truffle oil, and a side of glow-in-the-dark mashed potatoes.

WAITER: Glow-in-the-dark—? Sir, I don’t believe that’s a thing.

REGINALD: (offended) Not a thing? I had it just last week in Piccadilly. Or was it a dream? Never mind, I’ll take a roasted dodo.

WAITER: A… dodo?

REGINALD: Yes, dodo. The extinct bird. They’re quite tender, I hear.

WAITER: Sir, they’ve been extinct for centuries.

REGINALD: So your restaurant isn’t sustainable, then? Disappointing.

WAITER: Perhaps something from the actual menu?

REGINALD: Fine, fine. For dessert, I’ll have a soufflé made with unicorn milk.

WAITER: Sir, unicorns don’t exist. May I recommend the chocolate cake? It’s very popular.

REGINALD: Cake? How pedestrian. Fine, but only if you flambé it at the table while reciting poetry.

WAITER: Poetry?

REGINALD: Byron, preferably. Or Shelley, if you’re in the mood.

WAITER: I’ll… see what I can do.

REGINALD: Splendid. Oh, and a drink. Bring me water. But not just any water. It must be glacier water, melted under the light of a full moon.

WAITER: Tap water, then?

REGINALD: If you must. But chill it with artisanal ice cubes.

WAITER: Artisanal ice cubes?

REGINALD: Hand-carved by a monk. Preferably one with a beard.

WAITER: I need a new job.

(The waiter walks off, muttering, as REGINALD begins inspecting his fork with great intensity.)

Thursday, 26 December 2024

Christmas Game

Congratulations on purchasing Ultra-Vortex Cheeseboard Frenzy! This game, banned in 32 countries and heralded as “unplayable” by 8 out of 10 philosophers, combines strategy, physics, absurdity, and a deep understanding of 14th-century French dairy law.

Prepare yourself for a multi-dimensional showdown of wit, patience, and vaguely cheese-related mishaps. Warning: Side effects may include confusion, existential dread, and mild brie cravings.

Components

      1.   The Board: A holographic hexagonal grid that shifts unpredictably with each turn. It includes:

        •  Cheese Nebula Zone (centre): Where hopes go to die.

        •  Portal Nodes: Scattered randomly (re-roll their locations every 3 rounds).

        •  Void of Emmental Despair: Any token landing here is banished forever.

      2.   Tokens:

        •  4 Cheese Wedges per player (each wedge is equipped with a mood ring to reflect its “quantum temperament”).

        •  2 Anti-Cheese Sporks (sporks, because spoons are passé).

        •  1 Schrödinger’s Hamster (optional expansion pack required).

        •  5 Temporal Mice per player, each named after a European philosopher.

      3.   Dice:

        •  A standard d6.

        •  A d12 inscribed with ancient runes (translate using Appendix Zeta).

        •  A d100 the size of a grapefruit. If it rolls under the sofa, all players must immediately freeze in place until the hamster token retrieves it.

      4.   Cards:

        •  72 Quantum Rift Cards.

        •  40 Cheese Subtype Modifier Cards (e.g., “Camembert of Destruction,” “Cheddar of Betrayal”).

        •  1 Black Hole Cheese Card (DO NOT TOUCH).

      5.   Miscellaneous:

        •  One Wheel of Feta spinner (use only during an odd-numbered round).

        •  A small bell (used to summon the Interdimensional Cheese Council).

        •  The Emergency Gouda Token (break glass only when truly desperate).

Setup

      1.   Board Placement:

        •  Unfold the board carefully. If it folds itself back up, do not panic—this is normal. Unfold it again.

        •  Randomly place Portal Nodes by rolling the d12 and consulting the Astral Cheeseboard Alignment Chart. If the chart catches fire, consult a priest.

      2.   Determine Player Roles:

        •  Assign one player the role of High Cheese Regent. This is decided by a “Cheese Duel,” which involves balancing a cheese wedge on your head while reciting the full text of Beowulf.

        •  The player with the least knowledge of dairy becomes the Keeper of the Sporks.

      3.   Token Distribution:

        •  Each player receives 4 Cheese Wedges, 5 Temporal Mice, and 1 Anti-Cheese Spork. The High Cheese Regent starts with the Emergency Gouda Token but must wear an oven mitt on their dominant hand for the first three turns.

        •  Place Schrödinger’s Hamster in the Cheese Nebula Zone. It exists and does not exist simultaneously until activated.

      4.   Initial Card Draw: Each player draws 2 Quantum Rift Cards, 1 Cheese Subtype Modifier Card, and a fortune-telling card from any tarot deck you have lying around.

Gameplay

Each game is divided into 12½ Temporal Cycles, with each cycle consisting of 5 Phases. Proceed in clockwise order unless the board is in a quantum flux state, in which case reverse direction while humming Greensleeves.

Phase 1: Invocation of the Cheese Spirits

      1.   All players chant, “BRIE OR NOT TO BRIE, THAT IS THE QUESTION!”

      2.   Roll the d12 to determine which player is blessed by the Spirits of Dairy this turn. Blessed players may immediately move one Temporal Mouse into a Portal Node of their choosing.

Phase 2: Quantum Cheese Allocation

      1.   Each player rolls the d100.

        •  If the result is a multiple of 7, draw a Cheese Subtype Modifier Card.

        •  If the result is prime, gain 3 “Dairy Points.”

        •  If the result is 42, all players must bow to the High Cheese Regent.

      2.   Players may spend “Dairy Points” to move their Cheese Wedges or purchase an Anti-Cheese Spork upgrade.

Phase 3: Portal Manipulation

      1.   Spin the Wheel of Feta. The result determines which Portal Nodes are “active.”

      2.   If Schrödinger’s Hamster is in play, roll the d6 to decide whether it eats a cheese wedge, causes a time paradox, or simply stares at everyone judgmentally.

Phase 4: Cheese Combat

      1.   Players may challenge others to a duel using their Temporal Mice.

        •  Each player rolls the d12 and adds their Cheese Resonance Score (tracked using the Mood Rings of Quantum Balance).

        •  The loser must surrender one Cheese Wedge or perform an interpretive dance of defeat.

Phase 5: Reckoning

      1.   Draw a Quantum Rift Card and follow its instructions. These may include:

        •  Swapping Cheese Wedges with another player.

        •  Opening a vortex to the Void of Emmental Despair.

        •  Summoning the Interdimensional Cheese Council, which requires all players to argue passionately about the best type of cheese for at least 3 minutes.

      2.   Resolve any remaining effects from previous turns, such as mousenados, black holes, or unresolved grudges.

Winning the Game

The game ends when any of the following occurs:

      1.   A player accumulates exactly 100 Dairy Points.

      2.   The Black Hole Cheese Card is drawn, causing reality to implode.

      3.   All players unanimously agree to abandon the game out of sheer bewilderment.

The winner is crowned Supreme Cheese Emperor of Space-Time and is entitled to free cheese-themed puns for life.

Good luck, brave soul. You’re going to need it.

Saturday, 21 December 2024

New Years

I'm sorry for the dreams I fled,
When I should’ve stayed and loved instead.
I'm sorry for the dreams I marred,
The tender hopes my silence scarred.
I'm sorry for the broken past,
Let’s find a way to heal at last.
Change begins within,
Where love lets life begin.
With hope, let’s breathe the dawn,
And live the year reborn;
Wipe away the tears of past mistakes,
Renew the vow that courage makes.



Saturday, 14 December 2024

The Art of Synergy

Right, good morning, team! Isn’t it just a great day to synergise? To streamline? To… innovate? You can feel the energy in this room, can’t you? Absolutely electric. Now, as your Line Manager of Interdepartmental Synergy and Workflow Coordination, it’s my duty, my honour, to keep this ship sailing smoothly.

Now, I’ve been reflecting. Reflecting on how we can work smarter harder. And that’s why today, I am thrilled to announce the launch of the Efficiency Enhancement Initiative, or as I like to call it… The Big E.E.I. What is it, you ask? Well, it’s about improving our processes to… uh… ensure smoother workflows. Enhancing efficiencies, optimising our optimisations, streamlining our… streamlining. Simple, really.

As part of The Big E.E.I., I’ll be hosting something very exciting this afternoon: a Preliminary Pre-Brainstorming Session. Yes, you heard that correctly—a session where we prepare for tomorrow’s main meeting. Some might ask, “Why not just… have the meeting?” But that would miss the point entirely. Preparation is key. In this session, we’ll be discussing… what we’ll be discussing in the next session. It’s genius, really. Layers of productivity.

And tomorrow? Oh, tomorrow is the big one. The Synergy Alignment Forum. Not just a meeting, mind you—a forum. It’s where ideas are born, nurtured, and allowed to thrive within the safe confines of… well, our current strategies. This week’s theme? Brace yourselves for this one: “Thinking Outside the Box While Staying Inside the Box.” Brilliant, isn’t it? It’s innovation, but with boundaries. You can think big, but only as big as the parameters I’ve already approved. That’s what I call vision.

Now, I know what you’re thinking. “Colin, haven’t we done this all before?” And to that, I say, yes—but not with this level of… synergy. Last week, for instance, we made an enormous breakthrough during our Font Selection Workshop. Remember that? Four hours of collaboration, and we finally settled on Arial. Sleek, dynamic, versatile. And, yes, I know it was the default font, but isn’t that the beauty of efficiency? Sometimes, the answers are right in front of us.

You see, the work we do here is vital. Take Derek, for example. What’s he working on? Spreadsheets, probably. Or HR. Or… something to do with synergy. Whatever it is, it’s important, and that’s what matters. And Sophie—brilliant Sophie—always ahead of the curve with her status reports. Although I do wish she’d resend it; I tend to skim emails these days. Efficiency, you see. Why read everything when you can read enough?

But let’s not forget the bigger picture. This isn’t just an office. No, no, no—this is a well-oiled machine, a hive of activity, a… a synergy factory. Look at you all, working tirelessly. Some might say, “Colin, what do you actually do?” And to that, I say, I facilitate. I motivate. I innovate. I coordinate synergy across interdepartmental workflows. And isn’t that what leadership is all about?

Right, I think that covers everything. Time for my mid-morning coffee. Keep up the good work, team. Remember: think outside the box, but not too far outside. Let’s keep those boundaries nice and tidy. Efficiency is key, after all.

Thursday, 12 December 2024

The Society Within

A dimly lit library, where a mismatched group of people sit around a long table, all wearing hoods and robes. The Protagonist (let’s call them Alex) nervously fiddles with a candle as the others chant monotonously.

Leader #1: (solemnly) And thus, by the power vested in me, as Grand Keeper of the Lesser Secrets, I welcome you, Alex, into the hallowed halls of The Society of Shadows.

Alex: (awkwardly) Thank you. It’s… such an honour.

Leader #1: Shhh! We don’t say “thank you” here. It’s forbidden. Instead, you say, “The bat flies at midnight.”

Alex: Right, of course. The bat flies at midnight.

Leader #1: Excellent. Now, as your first duty, you must guard the sacred candle of eternity.

Alex: (holds candle) This candle?

Leader #1: No, the sacred candle.

Alex: Right. And, um… what does the Society of Shadows actually do?

Leader #1: We are the silent guardians of the unspoken truths.

Alex: Okay, but… what does that mean?

Leader #1: Mostly we just meet here on Tuesdays. Sometimes we rearrange traffic cones to spell “danger.”

Alex: (doubtful) That’s… very noble.

Leader #1: And remember, this is the only secret society that truly matters.

(A bookcase suddenly swings open, revealing another hidden room.)

Voice from Hidden Room: Oh, for heaven’s sake, stop telling people that! You’re not even a real society!

(Alex is dragged into the hidden room, where the Society of Eternal Whispers is gathered. They’re all wearing identical robes, but these ones are purple.)

Leader #2: Welcome to the real secret society.

Alex: There’s… another one?

Leader #2: Of course! Did you think that façade was real? How naïve. This is the Society of Eternal Whispers.

Alex: What do you whisper about?

Leader #2: (whispers) Everything.

Alex: (leans in) Like what?

Leader #2: (whispers louder) Stop asking questions!

Alex: (mutters) You’re not very good at being secret.

Leader #2: (ignores this) You’re one of us now. Your first task is to prove your loyalty by reciting the Pledge of Eternal Subtlety.

Alex: Fine. What is it?

Leader #2: (grabs a scroll) Repeat after me: “I shall live in shadows, walk in whispers, and never wear yellow.”

Alex: Why can’t I wear yellow?

Leader #2: Because yellow doesn’t really coordinate well with purple. Now repeat!

Alex: (resigned) I shall live in shadows, walk in whispers, and never wear yellow.

Leader #2: (smirks) Perfect. You are now one of us.

(Another bookcase swings open. Everyone groans.)

Voice from New Hidden Room: (mocking) Oh, look at you, so subtle. Real subtle, with your purple robes and dramatic whispers.

(Alex is pulled into the next room, where the Society of Infinite Layers meets. They wear gold-trimmed robes and are eating biscuits.)

Leader #3: Welcome to the actual secret society.

Alex: (exasperated) How many of these are there!?

Leader #3: We’re the Society of Infinite Layers. We’ve been infiltrating the infiltrators for centuries.

Alex: Do any of you actually do anything?

Leader #3: How dare you! We’re responsible for all of society’s greatest advancements.

Alex: Like what?

Leader #3: (proudly) Biscuits. We standardised the size of biscuits in 1874.

Alex: That’s it?

Leader #3: And we control the national stockpile of custard creams.

Alex: (mutters) That explains why they’re always out of stock.

Leader #3: (ignoring Alex) Now, to prove yourself, you must complete our sacred task.

Alex: (sighs) Let me guess. Something pointless?

Leader #3: (offended) Not pointless! You must solve a Rubik’s cube in a tastefully darkened room while reciting the periodic table.

(As Alex begins, another door opens, revealing an elderly man sitting alone in a minimalist room.)

Leader #4: (quietly) Come in. You’ve reached the end.

Alex: (sceptical) Are you absolutely sure?

Leader #4: Yes. I am the final layer. The head of all the societies.

Alex: (relieved) Finally! So, what’s the ultimate secret?

Leader #4: (leans in) The secret is… (pauses for dramatic effect) there is no secret.

Alex: What? So you’re telling me I went through three ridiculous societies for nothing?

Leader #4: Oh, it’s not for nothing. (hands Alex a biscuit) Have a custard cream.

Sunday, 1 December 2024

Accountancy Jokes

What’s an accountant’s least favourite drink?
Anything that doesn’t come with a receipt.

What do accountants say when they’re shocked?
“That’s a significant variance!”

What do accountants sing on New Year’s Eve?
“Should old accounts be reconciled...”

What do accountants name their cats?
Cash and Flow.

What do accountants name their dogs?
Debit and Credit.

What’s an accountant’s favourite film?
“Return of the Journal Entry”. 

What do accountants write in love letters?
“You’ve increased the value of my assets.”

What’s an accountant’s favourite fairy tale?
Goldilocks and the Three Balance Sheets.

What’s an accountant’s favourite board game?
Risk — it helps them manage their capital exposure.

Saturday, 30 November 2024

Jokey Thoughts

My coworker said they work better under pressure, so I started sending them emails with the subject line: “URGENT: THE WORLD IS ENDING.” Productivity hasn’t improved.

I saw a trailer for a new superhero movie. It’s about a guy who gets bitten by a radioactive sloth. His superpower? Extreme patience.

The Dark Ages weren’t really dark. That’s just what happens when a historian writes the story without paying the electricity bill.

My ex said, “You’ll never find someone like me.” I said, “That’s the point.”

I told my goldfish a joke. He just stared at me like he’d heard it before. I guess I need new material.

Monday, 18 November 2024

Old Friends

Setting: A quiet café. Steve (in his 40s, slightly dishevelled) is sitting at a corner table with a coffee and a half-eaten croissant. The door opens with the sound of an eerie wind, though nobody else in the café reacts. Enter DEATH, wearing a classic black robe, but with sunglasses perched on his bony nose and a cup of takeaway coffee in hand. He approaches Steve, who looks up in confusion.

DEATH: (cheerily) Ah, there you are! It’s been a while. How’ve you been?

STEVE: Sorry, do I know you?

DEATH: (mocking offence) Do you know me? Oh, come on. After everything we’ve been through? All the near misses? The times you dodged me like we’re in some sort of game of tag?

STEVE: You must have me confused with someone else. I don’t think we’ve met.

DEATH: (laughs) Oh, please. It’s me. Death. You know… Death. Big D. Grim Reaper. Ringing any bells?

STEVE: (staring) Death? As in… the Death?

DEATH: Bingo. I mean, you’ve seen my work. Not to brag, but I’m kind of a legend.

STEVE: Okay… um, what do you want?

DEATH: (sitting down uninvited) Oh, you know, the usual. Bit of a catch-up. Quick chat before we get down to business.

STEVE: (panicking slightly) Business? What business?

DEATH: (ignoring him, takes a sip of coffee) So, what did you mess up this time? Honestly, it’s inspiring the skill you have at that sort of thing.

STEVE: (spluttering) I haven’t messed up anything! I’m just sitting here having a coffee. What are you talking about?

DEATH: (dramatically sighs) Honestly, you’re impossible to keep track of. One minute you’re climbing dodgy ladders, the next you’re crossing motorways like you’ve got a death wish—oh wait, that’s my department. (chuckles)

STEVE: Wait a second. Are you saying I’ve… dodged you?

DEATH: Oh, several times! And not even in cool, action-hero ways. That time you choked on a peanut at the zoo? Classic. I was ready with the scythe, but no, here comes some stranger with the Heimlich manoeuvre. Rude.

STEVE: That’s not my fault! I didn’t ask to choke! Or to be saved!

DEATH: (leaning back) Well, no one asks for these things, mate. But you’re a regular Houdini. So, what’s it today? Heart attack? Falling sign? Spontaneous combustion? Don’t keep me in suspense.

STEVE: (growing desperate) Nothing! I’m perfectly fine. Healthy as ever! No signs, no combustion. Look, is this some kind of joke?

DEATH: (ignoring him) Right, let’s move this along, shall we? Any regrets? Unfinished business? That time you pretended you were sick to avoid your cousin’s wedding—you want me to apologise to her on your behalf?

STEVE: How did you—look, this is ridiculous. I’m not dying today!

DEATH: That’s what you said last Tuesday when you thought it was a good idea to microwave an egg.

STEVE: Look, I don’t know who—or what—you are, but I’m not ready to go anywhere with you. You’ve got the wrong guy.

DEATH: (calmly sipping his coffee) Huh. Bold words. You know, I get that a lot. “Not ready, wrong guy, I’m too young.” (sighs) You humans act like I’m some sort of telemarketer. It’s a bit hurtful.

STEVE: Maybe because you show up uninvited and start scaring people?

DEATH: (offended) Scaring? I’m delightful! I bring closure! Peace! And, occasionally, free coffee. (gestures to his cup) Speaking of, I got this from that new café down the street. Lovely macchiato. Shame you never got to try it.

STEVE: (panicking again) What? Why not?

DEATH: Oh, relax. I’m just messing with you. Not your time. Yet.

STEVE: (exasperated) You can’t just waltz in here, make me think I’m about to die, and then say “just kidding”!

DEATH: Why not? Keeps things spicy. Anyway, I’ll let you get back to your coffee. But seriously, maybe avoid tall ladders for a while. Just a hunch.

STEVE: Great. Now Death gives DIY advice.

DEATH: (heading towards the door) Hey, I’m looking out for you. Sort of. Catch you later...

Thursday, 14 November 2024

The Art of Rhetoric

Good afternoon, everyone. Thank you for gathering here today. I must say, it is most agreeable to see all of you here, sitting in your respective seats, as one does.

Now, as I stand here, I find myself compelled to speak at length on a topic of importance: office supply procurement procedures. Yes, today we shall dive into the depths of stapler requisition forms and the fascinating, nearly unbearable intricacies of paperclip ordering. I shall endeavour to explain to you, in as much detail as possible, how and why a process that could be simple has instead been made magnificently, astoundingly, breathtakingly complex.

Now, some of you might be wondering, “Why does it matter whether we have blue or black biros?” An excellent question. A very good question indeed. I spent upwards of six minutes this morning pondering the same. But, I’m afraid I’m not in a position to provide a definitive answer. Suffice it to say that both have their merits. Blue pens evoke a sense of calm, while black pens, on the other hand, suggest a certain authority. Either way, whether you’re taking notes on something important or simply doodling, rest assured, both options are available to you.

I would like to take a moment to address the recent changes in our paper supplier. As you may be aware, our usual brand of A4 printer paper was out of stock for three days last month, and we had to switch to an alternative. I know some of you felt the new paper was slightly thinner, slightly different, almost undetectably unlike the usual stock. This raised some eyebrows, and I want to acknowledge your concerns. I personally spent several minutes comparing the old paper to the new, and I can confirm: yes, there is a barely perceptible difference. However, the feedback from Paper Committee remains inconclusive.

Now, let’s talk about the issue of folder categorisation. You see, after much consideration and an extensive review process, it has been decided that all folders will henceforth be filed according to the second letter of their labels, not the first. Yes, this decision was not made lightly. It required no fewer than seven meetings, and multiple subcommittees were formed. I won’t bore you with the finer points of the deliberation – although I could, if you wish – but the upshot is that we believe the new system will bring a semblance of mild, almost negligible, efficiency to our filing cabinets.

Moving on to another highlight: I am pleased to report that our new policy on tea bag usage has officially passed. We are now asking that everyone limit themselves to one teabag per two cups. This may seem revolutionary, even radical, but studies have shown that a single teabag can be reused. And for those of you who might wonder about milk ratios, please note that no more than 2.3 tablespoons of milk per cup is now advised, a decision that took the better part of the week to reach.

Please feel free to review the accompanying documents during this initial 4-hour presentation. There will be time for questions at the end.