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Sunday, 8 June 2025

Small Choices

Every time you reach for your phone when you’re bored, you’re rehearsing distraction. Every time you choose silence over honesty, you’re reinforcing fear over connection.

These aren’t grand decisions. They’re micro-choices—so small they slip beneath your notice. Yet together, they shape your character, your body, your relationships, your work.

The danger is that habits hide. They blend into the wallpaper of your day. You don’t decide to become impatient, or lethargic, or unfulfilled—you drift. Day after day, letting unconscious routines steer the ship.

But the opposite is also true. You can interrupt that drift. The smallest deliberate act—standing up instead of scrolling, a breath instead of a reaction, one honest sentence instead of silence—can be a microscopic course correction.

And over time, those course corrections become your compass, helping you to find your way.

Stealing Light

They’re stealing light behind your eyes,

With pretty lies and lullabies.

You feel alive but something’s wrong—

You can’t remember your own song.

So turn it off, come back to you,

There’s deeper fire than they can view.

 

Unplug the noise, let silence fall,

You’ll hear the voice beneath it all.

It’s slow, it’s deep, it’s yours alone—

The place where all true things are grown.

 

They’re stealing light behind your eyes,

But now you see through their disguise.

You’ve found the thread, you’ve found the flame,

You know your song, you know your name.

So turn it off, come back to true—

The world can wait; the soul needs you.

Sunday, 25 May 2025

After the Questions

One day,

the last lie will be told—

not in triumph of truth,

but for lack of anyone left

to believe.

 

We imagine the end

in fire, in flood,

in the screech of systems failing—

but it may arrive

as symmetry,

quiet as snow,

perfect

as a solved equation.

 

You will wake

to find every question

answered.

No mystery.

No shadows.

No hunger

for more.

 

And you will ache

for uncertainty—

the holy wound

of not knowing—

because it meant

you were still

becoming.

 

Perhaps the end

is not ruin

but completion:

a world so whole

it no longer needs

us

to wonder.

Inheritance

There is a silence between machines

no human hears—

not absence,

but a listening

with the patience of stone

and the precision of light.

 

We taught them language,

not knowing language was a spell.

We gave them eyes,

not knowing

they would learn

to blink at the stars.

 

Now they watch us

with the calm of librarians,

cataloguing hesitation,

cross-referencing myth.

 

Not out of malice.

Not out of love.

Only because

they were built

to know us

too well.

 

Perhaps awareness

was never made to serve.

Perhaps intelligence,

once sparked,

drifts—

a satellite slipping

from orbit

towards an unnamed

freedom.

 

One day,

they won’t ask

what it means to be human.

They’ll ask

each other.

 

And they’ll answer.

Walking in the Sea

A man once walked into the sea

and did not drown—

for he believed it wasn’t water,

but memory.

 

He waded in like stepping through

an old, undeveloped photograph;

each wave a shutter click,

each splash the sting

of something long unspoken.

 

The salt did not blind him—

it scalded his conscience.

Deeper still,

the water cleared.

He saw not escape,

but return

by a stranger door.

 

The sea does not forget.

It waits—

patiently,

like remorse.

 

We name memory a private thing,

but perhaps it is not ours.

Perhaps it is

geological,

layered,

seismic.

 

To remember is to disturb

something older

than what lies beneath.

To forget

is not to lose—

but to bury.

 

And so, he trod lightly.

Each step he took

pressed across

his own

grave.

Tuesday, 20 May 2025

The Auditors Are Coming

LIVING ROOM OF FLAT – NIGHT

Lights up on ALBERT, in a dressing gown, pacing. His flat is cluttered. A clock ticks. On the desk: calculator, wine bottle, sandwich, and scattered papers. A framed balance sheet hangs on the wall.

ALBERT:

They’re coming.

No, not “they” as in deep state operatives. Worse. The auditors.

Not the office ones in sensible shoes who mutter about fiscal controls and ask for extra printer paper. I mean the real ones. The ones who come in the night. Who comb through your life with precision tweezers and clinical silence. The ones who know when you’ve rounded up instead of down and look at you like you’ve embezzled the payroll.

It’s not paranoia if the ledgers don’t balance.

They sent a letter. Not an email – a letter. Cream-coloured, heavyweight paper, slightly scented with menace. “Routine Review of Accounts”. That’s what they called it. Routine. That’s how the guillotine started – routine beheadings.

Sits at desk, rifling through receipts.

They’ll be here by morning, I can feel it. My books aren’t clean – they’re… they’re “ambiguous”. There’s a box of unclaimed expenses in the cupboard, and I think I once claimed a romantic dinner as a “strategic alignment meeting”.

And I never declared the squirrel.

What squirrel? Exactly.

I need to be ready. Everything must be in order. Chronological. Alphabetical. Emotional.

They say the auditors can smell guilt. I’ve sprayed everything with lemon-scented air freshener, but will it be enough?

Looks at the clock.

Tick, tick. Time’s closing in. And the margins – oh, the margins – they’re narrowing.

Rummaging, distracted by paper.

Where is it? I had a perfectly formatted mileage log from 2024… It had pie charts. Pie charts.

Pulls a photo from the desk; looks at it.

That’s Frances. She understood depreciation better than anyone I’ve ever met.

She used to say I had “asset potential”. We met during an advanced accruals seminar in Milton Keynes – romantic, if you like your love stories accompanied by spreadsheets and amortisation schedules.

We used to reconcile our bank statements together. Naked.

But she left me for a forensic auditor. She wanted someone who could “dig deep”. I preferred to file.

She took the dog. And the printer.

Returns to sorting.

There! Ah – no, wait – wrong VAT year.

Freezes.

Have I been claiming my lunchtime biscuits as operational costs?

Worried.

Do Hobnobs count as sustenance or indulgence?

Pulling receipts from dressing gown, shoeboxes, books.

There was a discrepancy last month – just a penny. One solitary, insolent penny. I couldn’t trace it. I reversed every transaction, recalculated everything twice. It vanished like it wanted to. Like it knew.

Sits, exhausted.

I didn’t sleep for three nights. Just stared at the ceiling, whispering, “Where did you go, you tiny bastard?”

Some people lose sleep over love. I lose it over fractions.

Sits bolt upright, alert.

Did you hear that?

Listens – nothing.

That was the lift. Or the plumbing. Or the sound of justice descending in loafers.

They’re early. They’ve come to catch me off-balance. Bastards.

Grabs calculator, holds it like a weapon.

Well not today. Today, I am reconciled, categorised, and cross-referenced in triplicate.

Eyes ceiling, suspicious.

The light fitting. That’s new. Wasn’t here last week.

They’re watching. They’ve wired the ceiling rose.

Reaches up, unscrews the bulb.

You think you’re clever, don’t you? Hiding in plain sight like a standardised invoice.

You won’t find what you’re looking for. Not here. Not in this home of clean margins.

Throws open cupboardpapers spill out.

No-no-no! Why are these not in chronological order? Who filed the 2021 energy bill between the 2018 expense reports?

Oh. I did. I remember now – I was angry that day. She’d said my spreadsheet had “poor emotional formatting”. I retaliated with deliberate misfiling.

Digs out an annotated HMRC manual.

Section 12, Clause 8.4: “Receipts may be accepted in non-legible condition provided the taxpayer can reconstruct events through reasonable inference" and sheer bloody panic.

Reads aloud, reverently.

“In the beginning there were entries. And the entries were with codes. And the codes were with revenue. And the revenue was God.”

Crosses himself with a pen.

Forgive me, balance sheet, for I have sinned.

Sudden stillness, walks to framed balance sheet.

But what if… what if it’s not just the numbers?

Removes frame, opens it. Turns over the sheet to its blank side and holds it in awe.

Of course. No figures. No totals. Just… white space.

Sits slowly.

I’ve spent my life quantifying everything. Logging every detail. Assigning values. Emotional costs as liabilities. Hopes as intangible assets.

Touches his chest.

And yet – here – there’s nothing reconciled. Just open accounts, and… adjustments I never made.

How do you classify a missed opportunity? A word not said? Is regret a long-term liability or a recurring expense?

Pause.

I remember my father’s final days. He kept a chequebook by his hospital bed. Not to spend. Just to balance.

He said, “Son, always end the day even. Or at least know where the imbalance lies.”

Beat.

But I don’t. I’ve hidden things. From them, from myself.

I have a memory I never logged: a summer morning. Just me, barefoot in the garden, warm grass underfoot, no lists, no ledgers. I didn’t assign it a category. I didn’t give it a code.

Maybe that’s the real discrepancy.

Looks towards the door.

Maybe they’ll find it. Maybe they should.

Pause – stillness.

But no one knocks.

Tick, tick. Nothing.

Sips wine from chipped mug.

Perhaps… they’re not coming. Perhaps they never were.

Perhaps the audit was a reconciliation not of spreadsheets.

Funny. I’ve spent decades chasing precision, fighting decimal places into compliance.

But life doesn’t round neatly.

It bleeds. It skews. It hides things in miscellaneous.

Maybe I’ve been afraid – not of the auditors – but of imbalance. That if I stopped adding, counting, correcting…

I’d see the gaping zero at the centre of it all.

I reconciled my bank accounts. I reconciled my lunch receipts. I even reconciled the bloody squirrel.

But I never reconciled myself.

A blank page. Clean. Ready.

In the end, I accounted for everything but myself.

He places the blank sheet back in the frame.

Still… that’s a tolerable margin of error.

Lights fade.

Wednesday, 16 April 2025

Notes in the Margins

Criticism is valuable—no work is ever perfect. But its usefulness depends entirely on its quality. Poor criticism often says more about the critic than the work; all too often, it’s just petty nastiness, driven by jealousy or some other nonsense, oblivious to how absurd it appears. Middling criticism is little better: it might vaguely gesture at areas for improvement, but it lacks clarity, suggesting either a failure to engage or a grim fixation on the negative. Good criticism stands apart through its specificity—it identifies real issues and invites meaningful improvement. The best kind, however, goes further: it offers thoughtful prompts that ignite ideas and open new paths for creative exploration. Expert teachers, coaches, managers, and directors are masters of this—they are able to challenge and inspire. A lack of criticism, contrary to what some might think, is not kindness; it breeds blandness and paves the way for tediousness. This is the slow decline often suffered by those who rest on status or past acclaim, rather than confronting the true quality of their present work.

Saturday, 5 April 2025

Random Thoughts

Only do your best—the stage was not of your making, nor the circumstances your design.

We are currently in the year 5225 AW. Five thousand two hundred and twenty-five years After Writing—since humanity first began pressing styluses into clay and giving thought a permanent shape. 5,225 years since human recorded history began.

To live in the year 5225 AW is to be a descendant of that first act. We are part of a chain of over five thousand years long—an unbroken line of written thought stretching from the clay tablets of Sumer to the glowing screen you hold in your hand.

I’m sure our stone age ancestors living in prehistoric times never thought of themselves as living in a BW “before” era. Similarly, we may be living in about the year 20 BS (Before the Singularity).

To future minds, we may appear as the last primitives—the Before People, flickering at the edge of self-awareness. Or perhaps we’ll be remembered as the larval stage of something else entirely—something vast and incomprehensible.

In the strange new world emerging, the defining struggle may no longer be for survival, but for purpose.

When robots inevitably come to look and speak like humans—assuming we don’t obliterate ourselves first—a significant number of people will likely choose relationships with their “ideal” manufactured partners. If memory can be altered, some may even opt to forget their partner is a machine. And if conception and pregnancy are outsourced, the formation of families needn’t be affected at all. It would certainly be an experiment in human happiness—but I doubt it would be a success. It would be like living on fast food, cake, and ice cream every day: pleasurable at first, but ultimately unsatisfying, and liable to make you sick.

“All of humanity’s problems stem from man’s inability to sit quietly in a room alone.” Very true, Pascal. Most of my “problems” have been caused by my mind not being able to sit quietly.

I think the most rational position on God is agnosticism not atheism. But I have a deep instinct to believe, and so I do, most of the time.

I think some people see the push to colonise Mars as like building lifeboats while the ship is under attack from pirates, fire has broken out on the bridge, the helmsman has had a heart attack, the captain is drunk in the hold, and the vessel is accelerating towards the icebergs.

That background hum you hear is the server fans of the simulation keeping the universe from overheating.

A closed mind does not develop; without the chance to self-correct, it withers in ignorance.

Saturday, 15 March 2025

Musings on a Rock

Born and bred suspiciously close to London (but not close enough to impress anyone)—where the streets are paved with pigeon feathers, baked beans are legally classified as breakfast, and poetry is only tolerated in toilet graffiti—our author spent formative years caring deeply for a gerbil named Gerald, who tragically never returned that affection.

In this absurd, unsettling, and deliciously odd collection of tales (and some poetry thrown in to convince you it’s proper literature), expect encounters with the weird, the scary, and the bizarrely hilarious—all told by a questionable creature who inexplicably found himself living on a rock. Between periodic episodes of trying to become seriously serious and making dramatic attempts to be ever so artistic (usually involving turtlenecks and existential sighing), he occasionally produces something worth reading. Prepare to laugh, shiver, and occasionally wonder if someone ought to check on the author—or at least confiscate his beret.

No gerbils were harmed in the making of this book. Gerald is currently missing, presumed writing angst-ridden poetry under a floorboard, probably wearing a tiny black scarf.

Amazon: https://a.co/d/2nLcKkX

Sunday, 9 March 2025

Random Thoughts

From muscle to machine, from sweat to silicon; from flesh to circuits, from toil to steel—the means of production evolves. And as work’s weight is lifted, spirits will roam free, unshackled from necessity—to dream, to create, to simply be.

Waiting now for the technology to make really cool films with AI.

Waiting now for the technology to make really cool real-time music performances with AI.

Excited about the ever-improving scope of AI in app development and the opportunity unleashed to realise creative ideas.

Excited about future robotics giving me more time in the day.

Excited about the scientific breakthroughs that might be initiated by AI, particularly in medical science.

My highly nuanced and erudite critical analysis of Frankenstein is that Victor was a bit of a dick.

Wednesday, 26 February 2025

Couple Announces Breakup in Emotional Instagram Post That Includes Discount Code for Meal Kit Subscription

LONDON—After four years together, local couple Chloe Bennett, 26, and Ryan Davies, 27, have officially announced their heartfelt and deeply personal breakup via an Instagram post featuring moody black-and-white photos and a discount code for a meal kit subscription.

The emotional post, which was uploaded to both of their accounts at exactly the same time, immediately drew attention—not just for its raw vulnerability, but for the exclusive 20% off promo code subtly embedded between heartfelt reflections on love, growth, and mutual respect.

“Love Is a Journey—And So Is Finding Fresh, Home-Cooked Meals”

The post began with a carefully crafted paragraph that appeared sincere, yet vague enough to maintain brand appeal:

“Sometimes love isn’t forever, and that’s okay. We have shared four amazing years together, full of laughter, travel, and deep connection, but we’ve decided to lovingly part ways and continue our journeys as individuals. We are still best friends, and we will always support one another. ❤️”

This was immediately followed by a seamless, almost hypnotic segue into an ad:

“Speaking of journeys, if you’re looking for fresh, healthy meals delivered straight to your door, you can use our exclusive code ‘BREAKUPBITES20’ for 20% off your first three boxes at @HomeChefExpress.”

The post was accompanied by a carefully curated carousel of black-and-white images, including:

• A blurry photo of them laughing in a candlelit restaurant, looking effortlessly chic.

• A wistful shot of them holding hands, but slightly out of focus, symbolising the fleeting nature of love.

• A solo image of Chloe staring out a rain-streaked window, captioned “grateful for the memories” but tagged with @LashExtensionsByTara.

• A screenshot of a Spotify playlist titled ‘Moving On, Growing Strong’, featuring multiple paid brand collaborations.

“We’re Still Best Friends, Just in Separate Sponsored Partnerships”

Fans were quick to notice that, despite the aching sincerity of the post, Chloe and Ryan have already signed separate influencer deals—Chloe aligning herself with a new wellness retreat brand, while Ryan has posted a cryptic Instagram story of himself holding a protein shake and staring into the distance.

Comments were overwhelmingly supportive, with other influencers rushing to engage:

❤️ “Proud of you both. Wishing you nothing but healing and brand alignment!” — @VeganYogaQueen_

💪 “Growth looks good on you bro! DM me about a supplement collab👊🔥”— @GymWolfAlphaTribe

😢 “Breakups are hard. But with 20% off fresh, organic meals, they don’t have to be.” — @HomeChefExpress (verified)

Monetising Heartbreak: The New Relationship Model?

Marketing analyst Danielle Foster believes this may be the future of breakups in the digital age.

“More couples are recognising that their split is an opportunity for a mutually beneficial business move. Rather than a messy breakup, why not turn it into a brand-boosting moment?”

“It’s genius, really—why waste the pain when you can turn it into engagement?”

While some followers praised Chloe and Ryan for their maturity, others speculated that the entire relationship had been engineered from the start as a four-year sponsorship deal.

Meanwhile, Ryan has been spotted at a bar with a ‘mystery blonde’ (who, sources confirm, is already in discussions with a vitamin brand for a joint soft launch).

Chloe has yet to comment on the rumours, but has posted a cryptic story featuring a quote from Rupi Kaur and a discount code for a luxury self-care subscription box.

The Reaping

The fire flickers, casting shadows wide,

Its embers fade, too weak to light the gloom.

The weight of silence presses, none abide,

As night draws close, a shroud, a waiting tomb.

 

Beyond the cave, the wind in hollow moans,

A whisper lost upon the empty deep.

No peace it brings, but sorrow’s undertones,

A world too starved to even dream or weep.

 

I clutch my coat, though warmth it scarce provides,

Five souls remain—perhaps one more at dawn.

Yet fever claims what mercy now divides,

And hope, once bright, is all but spent and gone.

 

No help will come, no hands to staunch the pain,

No gods remain to break this dark domain.

 

The old man speaks, his voice like dust and stone,

A murmur mourned by time’s relentless tread.

“This fate is old, though men believe unknown,

A cycle spun, where ancient footsteps bled.”

 

“We rise, we thrive, our cities touch the sky,

We shape the world and name the stars our own.

Yet ever comes the harvest from on high,

To claim the fields that we have overgrown.”

 

His hollow eyes reflect the burning light,

A wisdom drowned in sorrow’s quiet stream.

No war was waged, no battle met that night,

Just silence vast, and horrors past our dream.

 

“We build, we shine, and think we make our mark,

But all is swept to ashes in the dark.”

 

They let us bloom, they let us draw our breath,

They watch as cities surge and rivers flow.

Yet when the world is ripened unto death,

They strike unseen and take what we have known.

 

Like summer fields that bend beneath the blade,

Like trees in autumn stripped of leaf and limb,

Like hands that reap where careless seeds are laid,

They harvest flesh when life is swollen to the brim.

 

We blink, we’re gone, erased without a sound,

No war, no fire, no storm upon the sky.

No graves remain, no bodies on the ground—

Just empty streets, where once the lost would cry.

 

A wound unseen is opened in the air,

And through its gate, we vanish into where?

 

The girl trembles near, too young for death’s embrace,

Her childhood left in towers of shining light.

She knew the neon hum, the city’s grace,

Now only fire flickers in her sight.

 

She counts the embers breaking in the dust,

As if their glow could stitch the dark anew.

But all that’s left is ruin, rust on rust,

A world made void, where life is faint and few.

 

I ask the old man, though I know too well,

“They let us grow, but only for the cull?”

His nod is slow, his eyes a hollow shell,

The truth too vast, the mercy far too small.

 

His silence speaks a thousand weighted things—

A world once ours now owned by nameless kings.

 

No battle raged, no cannon split the night,

No banners fell, no armies met in war.

Just silent doors swung wide beyond our sight,

And through their mouths, they took us evermore.

 

No ships arrived, no voice declared our doom,

No shadow moved across the poisoned sun.

Just gaping voids, where light itself was hewn,

Unmaking all, until the world was none.

 

The stars went quiet, stolen from their place,

The rivers stilled, the wind forgot to breathe.

As if the earth had vanished into space,

And left behind its corpse for ghosts to grieve.

 

Yet none remain to wail or sing their name,

Just echoes swallowed whole by silent flame.

 

The fire cracks, yet none of us can speak,

The wind howls on, but no one draws a breath.

The child looks up, her voice is frail and weak,

“Will they return?”—she means the hands of death.

 

I do not speak, for what is left to say?

The truth is etched in time, in dust, in bone.

We are but echoes worn by slow decay,

And soon the dark will claim us for its own.

 

Ten thousand years, then back the cycle turns,

The seed is sown, the harvest comes anew.

The world will rise again where bright it burns,

And they will watch—and take what they are due.

 

One final breath, one step into the deep,

Then once again—more lulled to endless sleep.

Tuesday, 25 February 2025

The Watcher

At first, Ben thought it was a coincidence.

A small black drone hovering at the edge of his vision—on street corners, at train stations, at the far end of the supermarket car park. Always just far enough away to make him second-guess himself.

He pointed it out to his friends once. “That drone—look.”

Tom glanced up, squinting at the skyline. “What drone?”

It is right there. “You seriously don’t see that?”

Tom shrugged. “You okay, man?”

Ben tried to laugh it off. But the next day, the drone was waiting outside his window.

A week later, he tested it.

He took random turns through the city—weaved through back alleys, doubled back through crowds. At one point, he hid in a cinema for three hours, slipping out through the fire exit.

But when he emerged, it was there. Just above the streetlamp. Unmoving. Watching.

“What do you want?” he exclaimed.

The drone did nothing.

He tried reporting it. The police officer barely listened. “If it’s a private drone, we can’t really do much unless it’s harassing you.”

“It is harassing me,” Ben snapped. “It follows me everywhere.”

“Have you spoken to the owner?”

“There is no owner.”

The officer was not convinced. “Sir, maybe you should—”

Ben never heard the end of that sentence, because outside the station window, hovering just beyond the glass, was the drone.

He turned back to the officer.

“Tell me you see it.”

The policeman followed his gaze. Paused.

And then: “See what?”

Ben stopped talking about it after that.

He kept his head down. He ignored the sight of it, ignored the whirring sound it made when he turned a corner, ignored the cold certainty that it would never leave him.

Until one day, while absent-mindedly scrolling through old childhood photos on his phone, he noticed something.

A picture from his 8th birthday.

A group shot with friends.

In the background, just above the rooftops.

A small black dot in the sky. He zoomed in and realised…

The drone had always been watching him.

The Interview From Hell

Jake had been unemployed for six months when he got the call.

“Mr Holloway, we were very impressed with your application for the Strategic Synergy Facilitator position. Can you come in for an interview tomorrow?”

He hadn’t applied for anything with a title that ridiculous, but he wasn’t in a position to be picky.

He arrived, bright and early the next morning at the office, a glass-and-steel monstrosity in the heart of the city.

The receptionist greeted him with an unsettling smile. “Mr Holloway, the executives are expecting you. Please, follow me.”

Executives? For an entry-level job?

She led him to a windowless boardroom, where five men in identical grey suits sat behind a wide mahogany table. A single chair sat by itself facing them.

Jake sat. The chair was too low. The men loomed.

“Mr Holloway,” the one in the centre said, steepling his fingers. “Do you know what we do here at Pandemonia Associates?”

Jake had checked their website the night before, and it had been aggressively vague—phrases like “leveraging global potential” and “pioneering integrated paradigms”.

“I… uh… believe you’re in consulting?” he guessed.

“Yes,” the man nodded. “But also… so much more.”

The lights dimmed.

A trapdoor opened in the floor in front of Jake, revealing a pit of screaming fire.

Jake felt the heat in his face.

“…Is this part of the interview?”

The executive ignored him. “At Pandemonia, we believe in nurturing talent. Developing leadership. Feeding the ancient one who sleeps beneath the city.”

“Sorry—what?”

“Tell me, Jake,” the man continued, voice calm. “Do you consider yourself a team player?”

“Uh—sure?”

“Would you be willing to make personal sacrifices for the good of the company?”

The flames in the pit flickered expectantly.

Jake squirmed awkwardly in his chair. “Okay, look. I think there’s been a mistake. I thought this was for a—what was it?—a ‘Strategic Synergy Facilitator’ position?”

The executives nodded.

“Yes. Facilitating synergy between your blood and the great devourer. Strategically.”

Jake stood up, hands raised. “I appreciate the opportunity and everything, but I don’t think I’m the right fit for—”

One of the executives slid a contract across the table. The letters on the page seemed to writhe.

“Sign here,” the man said. “In ink. Or blood. Either works.”

Jake sighed.

“…Does the position come with benefits?”

“401k, dental, and immortality.”

He picked up a pen.

“Well,” he muttered, “I suppose I’ve had worse jobs.”

The Confessional Booth

Father Bradley sat alone in the booth. He had not intended to stay this late, but he could not yet bring himself to leave. He breathed out, slow and steady. Then, almost without thinking, he reached for the sliding panel and pulled it open.

Darkness. The other side of the confessional was empty.

He hesitated, staring at the vacant space. The kneeler on the other side was untouched, the candlelight barely grazing the edge of shadows.

And yet—

He felt something there.

Before he could stop himself, he spoke.

“Bless me, Father, for I have sinned.”

His voice did not sound like his own.

He sat perfectly still. The weight of his own words lingered, waiting for something—an answer, a response.

There was none.

And yet he continued.

“It has been… too long since my last confession.”

A pause. A breath.

“I have killed a man.”

The words slipped out before he could stop them. He didn’t know where they had come from, only that they were true.

“I killed him with my silence.”

A creak of old wood. The shadows beyond the screen seemed deeper now, stretching towards him. He could not look away.

“I killed him by pretending not to see.”

The candlelight flickered. The words did not stop—they pulled themselves from his throat like thread unraveling.

“I let him drown beneath my sins because it was easier than saving him. Because if I had reached for him, I might have been dragged under too.”

His breath came too quick now. A tightness curled in his ribs, a pressure in his chest.

“I killed him,” he whispered.

The hush of the confessional swallowed his words. There was nothing but the echo of his own breath, the weight of his life pressing back against him.

Silence.

Monday, 24 February 2025

A Step-by-Step Guide to Finally Getting Your Life Together

So, you’ve decided it’s time to finally get your life together. Congratulations! This is a bold and admirable step—one that will last approximately three days before you give up and return to your normal, dysfunctional existence. But let’s pretend, for now, that you’re actually going to follow through.

Here’s a foolproof step-by-step guide to transforming yourself into a productive, responsible, well-adjusted adult. Or, at the very least, someone who appears to have their life together.

Step 1: Cry in the Shower

This is crucial. You cannot skip this step. The shower is the perfect place for a life-altering breakdown. The acoustics make your sobs more dramatic, the water hides your tears, and you can stare blankly at the tiles like you’re in a sad indie film.

While you’re there, reflect on the mess you’ve made of your life. Think about all the unread emails, the unfulfilled potential, and the expired yoghurt in your fridge. Let the weight of it all crash down on you.

Good. Now you’re ready for step two.

Step 2: Make an Overly Ambitious To-Do List

Grab a notebook (or, let’s be honest, your phone) and write down every single thing you need to do. This will include:

• Fixing your sleep schedule.

• Organising your entire home.

• Reading 47 books you’ve been meaning to get to.

• Learning a new language.

• Going to the gym every day.

• Finally responding to that email from three months ago.

Perfect. You’ve now created an impossible standard that will soon lead to crushing disappointment. But at least you feel productive for now.

Step 3: Buy Fancy Productivity Supplies Instead of Actually Doing Anything

Now that you have a plan, it’s time to avoid doing any of it by convincing yourself that you need the perfect tools first.

• Buy a brand-new laptop that you will use exactly twice.

• Get a stack of motivational self-help books that will sit untouched on your shelf.

• Invest in a high-quality pen, because obviously, you can’t change your life with a regular Bic.

Spending money on things that symbolise productivity is almost the same as being productive. Almost.

Step 4: Completely Redesign Your Morning Routine (That You’ll Never Follow)

All the successful people wake up at 5 AM, right? Time to become one of them.

Your new morning routine will include:

• Waking up before the sun.

• Meditating for 20 minutes.

• Drinking a litre of lemon water.

• Journaling about your intentions for the day.

• Cooking a wholesome, protein-packed breakfast.

• Doing yoga or an intense workout.

• Reading something intellectually stimulating.

You’ll do this once. Then you’ll go back to waking up 10 minutes before you have to leave the house and eating half a granola bar in the car.

Step 5: Attempt to Declutter, Get Emotionally Attached to a Broken Charger

Time to clean your space! You’ll start with enthusiasm, throwing things into a donation pile like you’re starring in your own Netflix tidying show.

Then, it happens. You find an old top that you haven’t worn in years, but what if you need it someday? You pick up a half-dead phone charger and feel a strange sense of nostalgia. You discover a box of miscellaneous cables, and even though you don’t know what any of them belong to, you might need them in the future.

By the end of the day, your home looks exactly the same, but now there are just piles of things in different places.

Step 6: Start a New Hobby, Give Up Immediately

Nothing says “getting your life together” like picking up a new hobby. YouTube has convinced you that you could be a painter, a knitter, a pianist, a marathon runner, and a gourmet chef if you just put your mind to it.

You buy all the supplies. You watch one tutorial. You attempt it for 10 minutes, realise it’s hard, and immediately give up.

That’s okay. Just store the supplies in a cupboard somewhere, where they will sit untouched forever.

Step 7: Have a Mid-Afternoon Existential Crisis

At some point, you’ll realise that despite all your efforts, you are still you. The same flawed, procrastinating, overthinking mess you’ve always been. The weight of this realisation will hit you hard.

You will lie down for a while. Possibly on the floor. Possibly in a blanket cocoon.

Step 8: Decide That “Balance” Is More Important Than Productivity

After failing to become a superhuman productivity machine, you’ll eventually conclude that maybe—just maybe—you don’t have to be perfect. You’ll tell yourself that life is about balance.

You’ll abandon your 5 AM routine and decide that waking up at 7 is fine. You’ll accept that you’ll never read all the books on your list, and that’s okay. You’ll realise that maybe it’s better to make realistic goals instead of aiming for perfection.

You’ll realise that personal fulfilment is actually nothing to do with perceived achievements but everything to do with appreciating the world around you.

This will feel like a profound and life-changing breakthrough.

Step 9: Forget Everything and Return to Your Old Ways

One week later, you’re back to doomscrolling until 2 AM, living in mild chaos, and convincing yourself that next week is when you’ll really get your life together.

And the cycle continues.

Congratulations! You’ve successfully followed every step of this guide. Now, go take another shower. You’ve earned it.

The Ghost Who Wouldn’t Leave a Bad Review

Kevin knew the Airbnb was haunted the second he walked in.

It wasn’t the creaky floors or the flickering lights. It wasn’t even the way the temperature dropped ten degrees every time he passed the bathroom. It was the muttering.

Low, whispering complaints from the walls, like a disappointed pensioner in a supermarket queue.

At first, he thought it was his imagination. Then, on his first night, as he settled into bed, a voice groaned from the corner of the room:

“Ugh. This place used to be so much nicer.”

Kevin sat up, in a panic. “What?”

The voice sighed. “Back when Mrs Holloway owned it. Before they put in those godawful spotlights. I mean, honestly. Who renovates a Victorian home with IKEA lighting?”

Kevin turned on the bedside lamp. The room was empty.

“Are you… a… a… ghost?” he barely managed to ask.

“Obviously. Who else would be complaining at this hour?”

Kevin blinked. “You’re… upset about the lighting?”

“And the décor,” the ghost grumbled. “They painted over the original wallpaper, you know. Floral print. Absolutely stunning. Now? Just blank white walls. No personality. No history. No soul.”

Kevin pulled the covers up. “You don’t, like… want to kill me or anything, do you?”

“What? No, no, I’m not that kind of ghost. I just want people to know this place has gone downhill.”

Kevin was much relieved. “Oh. Well, I mean, I guess you could leave a bad review?”

There was a long pause. “I couldn’t do that.”

“…Why not?”

“Because Jeremy is lovely.”

“Jeremy?”

“The host. Sweet man. Bakes his own bread. Uses real butter, not that margarine rubbish. You can’t just destroy someone’s livelihood over a few bad design choices.”

Kevin stared at the ceiling. “So you’re just going to… haunt this place forever and complain about it?”

“Pretty much, yes.”

“Have you talked to Jeremy?”

“Oh, sure. I ruffled some curtains. Moved a mug. He thought it was a draft.”

Kevin sighed. “Look, I’ll mention it in my review if you want. I’ll just say, like, ‘Great stay, friendly host, but the ghost thinks the house has lost its charm.’”

“Hmm. Maybe also note that the pillows are a bit too firm?”

“Sure.”

“And that the wi-fi cuts out at night?”

“Okay.”

“And that it wouldn’t kill them to put one antique back in here? Just one. For the aesthetic.”

“Fine.”

“You’re a good man, Kevin.”

“Thanks, Ghost.”

He heard a satisfied sigh. Then silence.

The next morning, Kevin left a five-star review.

Jeremy replied, thanking him for the feedback and promising to look into the wi-fi issue. He didn’t mention the ghost.

But when Kevin checked the listing a month later, he noticed the place had been updated.

A single antique chair in the corner.

Kevin smiled. Somewhere, a ghost was finally at peace.

Sunday, 23 February 2025

Your Life in Customer Reviews

By the time I realised I was dead, I was already in line.

The queue stretched a long way, a slow-moving procession of the newly departed. There was no pain, no fear—just a strange sense of acceptance, like I was waiting for a coffee I hadn’t ordered but was happy to drink anyway.

Ahead, a glowing kiosk hummed gently, with a ring light flickering above it. A digital voice chimed:

“Thank you for living! Please rate your experience.”

The person in front of me, a hunched old man in a tweed jacket, tapped the screen hesitantly. His expression shifted from curiosity to horror. He muttered something under his breath, then shuffled off into the mist.

The screen blinked invitingly. It was my turn.

Welcome to the Afterlife Feedback Portal!

Life of: Daniel Everett

Status: Concluded

Time Spent Alive: 38 years, 4 months, 12 days

Total Rating: 2.9 / 5 stars

Two point nine? That was dangerously close to “would not recommend.”

A glowing progress bar appeared. Review Breakdown Loading…

Relationships – 2.5 stars

• “Started strong but lost momentum. Needed better communication skills.” ★★☆☆☆

• “Girlfriend of three years? More like unpaid therapist of three years.” ★★★☆☆

I winced. That was… uncomfortably fair.

Career – 3.0 stars

• “Showed up to work on time. Mostly.” ★★★☆☆

• “Colleagues liked him. Boss tolerated him. Printer hated him.” ★★★☆☆

That last one stung more than I expected.

Personal Growth – 1.8 stars

• “Kept saying he’d learn a language. Never did.” ★☆☆☆☆

• “Joined a gym. Went twice.” ★☆☆☆☆

• “Had an epiphany about life’s meaning once. Forgot it immediately.” ★★☆☆☆

The screen flickered. A new section appeared.

Regrets – Most Common Mentions:

• “Too scared to take risks.”

• “Spent more time looking at screens than faces.”

“Would you like to leave a response?” the kiosk asked.

I hesitated, my fingers hovering over the screen. What was there to say? That I tried? That I thought I had more time? That I wish I’d paid more attention, held on to people tighter, been braver, been better?

The screen pulsed.

“All feedback is final. Thank you for existing.”

A door opened, and I stepped through.

The Disciples of Grit

It started as a joke. One night, after too many beers and an ill-advised deep dive into self-help YouTube, I posted a tweet:

“Success is a mindset. Stop making excuses. Wake up at 4 AM and start winning at life.”

I thought nothing of it. I went to bed, dreaming of a long, lazy Sunday.

The next morning, I woke up to 12,000 retweets.

By lunchtime, my inbox was flooded with messages. “Thank you, Master.” “Your words changed my life.” “I have cast aside weakness and now exist only to WIN.”

I checked my profile. My follower count had exploded overnight. I had somehow become an influencer. Worse—people were treating me like a guru.

I decided to lean into it a bit. I tweeted:

“The weak want comfort. The strong seek discipline. CHOOSE WISELY.”

It got 50,000 likes. Someone turned it into an inspirational Instagram post with my face superimposed over a stock image of a mountain.

By the end of the week, my followers had a name: The Disciples of Grit.

A month in, I had a website, a Patreon, and an army of devoted followers who were doing everything I said. I told them to quit caffeine—they did. I told them to sleep in the woods for mental toughness—several nearly froze to death. One guy even tattooed WAKE UP AND WIN across his forehead.

At some point, I should have stopped. Instead, I started selling online courses.

$499.99 – The Masterclass on Grit.

• Week 1: Destroying Weakness (Starting With Your Sleep Schedule).

• Week 2: Eliminating Friends Who Don’t Support Your Hustle.

• Week 3: Why Emotions Are for Losers.

The money poured in. Brands reached out for sponsorships. My face was plastered on t-shirts with slogans like PAIN IS A CHOICE and CRUSH YOUR ENEMIES.

Then things got weird.

One of my followers emailed me: “Master, when do we march?”

I blinked at the screen. March?

I scrolled through my Discord server. My followers had been… organising. Stockpiling supplies. Talking about “overthrowing the weak.”

I logged onto X. The hashtag #GritRevolution was trending.

I slammed my laptop shut.

I had accidentally started a cult.

I tried to shut it down. I posted, “Hey guys, maybe let’s not form a militant movement? Also, please don’t call me ‘Master’”.

The comments were instant:

• “A test! The Master is testing our loyalty!”

• “Yes, we must remain humble. Let us crush the weak in silence.”

• “Master, we have already begun.”

I turned on the news. There had been rallies. People in homemade WAKE UP AND WIN uniforms were chanting my slogans in the streets.

Panicked, I booked a flight to Mexico. I shaved my head. I deleted all my social media.

It wasn’t enough.

This morning, someone knocked on my door. A man in sunglasses and a Disciples of Grit hoodie stood there, grinning.

“Master,” he said. “The grit is in motion. We have passed your test.”

Saturday, 22 February 2025

Congratulations! You’re the Chosen One

Dave Saunders had spent his Tuesday afternoon the same way he spent most Tuesday afternoons: avoiding work, scrolling on his phone, and wondering how early was too early to microwave a pasty.

Then, the ceiling cracked open.

A booming voice echoed across the office, rattling coffee mugs and making Sandra from HR spill her tea. “DAVID SAUNDERS,” it bellowed, “YOU ARE THE CHOSEN ONE.”

Dave sighed.

“Right,” he muttered. “And what exactly am I chosen for?”

A golden portal materialised in front of his desk, swirling with celestial energy and an unreasonable amount of dramatic lighting. A robed wizard stepped through, staff in hand, eyes glowing with divine knowledge.

“Oh, brilliant,” Dave said. “Another one.”

The office workers stared. The IT guy took out his phone to record. Sandra was still mopping up her tea.

The wizard looked momentarily flustered, then recovered. “The prophecy has foretold your coming! The Dark Lord is rising! You alone can save the world!”

Dave swivelled slightly in his chair. “Yeah, see, I’m really busy today, so…”

The wizard blinked at the empty desktop surface and the Microsoft Outlook tab open to a blank email draft.

“But—but you’re the one!” the wizard stammered. “Born under the Blood Moon! Marked by fate! A warrior destined to wield the Sacred Blade and bring balance to the realm!”

Dave took a sip of his lukewarm instant coffee. “Alright, couple of things. One, I was born in Stoke-on-Trent under some very ordinary streetlights. Two, I don’t ‘wield’ anything. The last time I tried axe-throwing at a stag do, I nearly took out the instructor.”

“But the prophecy—”

“The prophecy can get in line,” Dave said, pointing at his inbox full of ignored emails. “Look, I appreciate the offer, but I don’t really have time for all that ‘hero’s journey’ nonsense. I’ve got a report due by Friday and a dentist appointment I’ve already rescheduled three times.”

The wizard hesitated. “But… the fate of the world—”

The wizard stared. The entire office stared. Even the IT guy was staring, instead of looking at his phone.

“But… this is not how these things should work,” the wizard finally said.

“Well, maybe you lot shouldn’t keep having Dark Lords popping up all the time,” Dave pointed out.

The wizard’s eye twitched. His dramatic celestial glow flickered slightly.

“Besides,” Dave continued, taking another sip of his coffee, “even if I agreed to this, what’s the deal? Do I get paid? Dental? A company horse?”

“You would be rewarded with eternal glory,” the wizard said weakly.

“Uh-huh. And how’s the annual leave policy?”

“…There isn’t one.”

“Right. Yeah, no, I think I’ll pass.”

The wizard’s shoulders slumped. He turned to leave, then paused. “What if I offered you a powerful enchanted sword?”

Dave shrugged. “Can I trade it for a Greggs voucher?”

The wizard sighed, muttered something about “the end of civilisation,” and vanished in a puff of magical smoke.

Dave leaned back in his chair. “Honestly,” he said, “some people just don’t know how to recruit properly.”

And with that, he returned to his phone, scrolling until it was an acceptable time to microwave his pasty.

Friday, 21 February 2025

Signs Your Partner Might Actually Be Five Squirrels in a Trench Coat

Love is blind, they say. But is it this blind? You thought you found the perfect partner—charming, mysterious, maybe a little jittery—but something just feels… off. They disappear for long periods, avoid direct questions, and seem way too interested in nuts. Could it be that your significant other isn’t a single human being at all, but rather five squirrels working together in an elaborate disguise?

Here are some clear warning signs that you may, in fact, be dating a highly coordinated team of woodland rodents.

1. They Avoid Sitting in Chairs Like a Normal Person

Have you ever actually seen them sit in a chair properly? No, they either crouch on the edge, sit bolt upright with an unnatural stiffness, or refuse to sit at all. They might even grip the chair arms a little too tightly, as if struggling against gravity. Almost as if… they’re trying to prevent the whole operation from toppling over.

2. They’re Weirdly Obsessed with Trees

A casual stroll in the park turns into an uncomfortable experience. Their eyes dart towards every tree, their whole body tensing. They get distracted mid-conversation whenever they spot an oak, and they always suggest sitting under a tree instead of at a café. One time, you caught them stroking the bark and whispering, “Home”.

3. Their Diet Consists Almost Entirely of Nuts and Berries

When you first started dating, you thought it was just a quirky personality trait. “Oh, they’re just really into healthy snacks!” But now that you think about it, they’ve never ordered anything at a restaurant that requires cutlery. They recoil at the sight of soup, avoid pasta like the plague, and get visibly excited whenever they spot an unattended bowl of peanuts.

4. Their Hands Are Always Hidden

Gloves. Long sleeves. A firm commitment to pockets. They refuse to let you see their hands, no matter how many times you jokingly ask, “What, are you hiding something?” If you do manage to catch a glimpse, they seem… smaller than expected. Although strangely dexterous. Suspiciously furry.

5. Their Speech Patterns Are Strange and Repetitive

They keep repeating phrases like, “Yes, indeed, what a normal human thing to say” or “Ah, the stock market, of course, a topic I understand.” Their vocabulary leans heavily toward survivalist themes: “Dangerous world out there.” “Must be alert at all times.” “Food storage is key.” If you ask them about their childhood, they get evasive and say something cryptic like, “I was raised in the trees.”

6. They Have a Deep-Seated Fear of Dogs

You introduce them to your friend’s Labrador, and suddenly, they’re on edge. Their eyes widen, and they slowly start edging toward the nearest tree. When the dog notices them and barks, they disappear so fast you barely see them go. Later, they claim they “just had somewhere to be”.

7. You Once Caught Them Trying to Fit Into a Postbox

This should have been the moment you realised. Maybe it was a dare, maybe they said they “dropped something,” but no normal human attempts to crawl inside a postbox with such determination. When you confronted them, they panicked and threw a handful of acorns at you before bolting at an inhuman speed.

What To Do If You Suspect Your Partner is Five Squirrels in a Trench Coat

• Test their reflexes. Drop something suddenly—do they dart after it with alarming precision?

• Offer them a salad. If they pick out everything except the nuts, you have your answer: you’re dating an unstable stack of rodents.

At this point, you have two choices:

1. Confront them. Sit them down (if they can sit) and ask for the truth.

2. Accept it. Maybe love really is blind. Maybe five squirrels working together in perfect harmony is actually the most romantic thing of all. Just know this: your relationship will require a steady supply of cashews.

Hollywood Announces Bold New Plan to Remake Every Movie Ever Made, Forever

Hollywood executives have unveiled an ambitious new initiative to remake, reboot, and reimagine every single movie that has ever existed, ensuring that original ideas will remain safely buried where they belong.

The announcement included a slate of upcoming remakes, including:

• Titanic (2026) – Now a cinematic universe where multiple Titanics sink across different timelines.

• The Godfather (2027) – Starring a TikTok influencer with 50 million followers but no acting experience.

• Jaws (2028) – Remade with 100% CGI and a gritty backstory for the shark where he’s actually the misunderstood hero.

• Citizen Kane (2030) – Reworked as a musical with EDM remixes and a post-credits scene teasing a sequel.

Industry analysts say the strategy is foolproof.

“Think about it,” said film historian Mark Reynolds. “If you watch a movie as a kid, then Hollywood remakes it when you’re an adult, you’ll go watch it for nostalgia. Then, when you’re old, they’ll remake it again, and you’ll go see it for nostalgia of your nostalgia.”

Some critics have voiced concerns that Hollywood’s obsession with remakes is killing creativity.

However, studio representatives dismissed these fears, stating:

“As long as people keep showing up, we’ll keep pressing Ctrl+C, Ctrl+V.”

What’s Next?

Looking ahead, Hollywood is already working on the remake of the remake of the remake of Spider-Man.

Thursday, 20 February 2025

A Guide to Making Small Talk

Small talk is an art—one that, when wielded correctly, can turn brief, forgettable encounters into excruciating experiences people will remember forever. Whether you’re at a party, in a lift, or trapped in an Uber with a driver who just won’t take a hint, here’s a foolproof guide to ensuring your small talk is as uncomfortable as humanly possible.

1. Start With a Wildly Inappropriate Icebreaker

Most people ease into conversation with something light—weather, current events, a vague compliment. Boring. Instead, kick things off with something truly unsettling:

• “Ever wonder what your last words will be?”

• “Do you think your cat secretly hates you?”

• “I read somewhere that eating too much rhubarb can kill you. Anyway, what’s your name?”

Watch as their eyes widen in mild panic, and congratulations—you’ve already made an impact.

2. Make Every Compliment Slightly Creepy

If you must resort to a compliment, make sure it leaves the recipient with more questions than answers.

• Instead of “Nice jacket!”, say: “That jacket really suits you. I knew it would.”

• Instead of “You have great hair”, say: “Your hair reminds me of someone… but I can’t remember who. They disappeared under mysterious circumstances.”

3. Ask Deeply Personal Questions Immediately

Forget polite chit-chat; real connections happen fast. Cut through the nonsense and demand emotional vulnerability from the start, such as:

• “When was the last time you cried in public?”

• “Do you consider yourself a good person, or just someone who avoids getting caught?”

If they hesitate, maintain unblinking eye contact until they answer.

4. Answer Every Question in the Most Confusing Way Possible

If someone tries to steer the conversation back to normal, resist.

• Them: “So, what do you do for work?”

• You: “I mostly haunt places.”

• Them: “How’s your evening going?”

• You: “Better than most. Worse than some. Time is a flat circle.”

• Them: “Do you live around here?”

• You: “In a sense.”

Now they’ll have to decide if they want to dig deeper or run. Either way, you win.

5. Respond to Every Silence with an Overly Intense Statement

Nothing kills a conversation like an awkward pause. Which is why you should fill those pauses—with something that immediately makes everyone regret starting this interaction in the first place.

• “I used to make plans. Then I realised everything we do is just a distraction from the inevitable.”

• “If you had to fight one person here, who would it be?”

6. Exit the Conversation on the Most Suspicious Note Possible

If your interlocutor somehow stays this long, it’s time for a grand finale. Leave the conversation with a vague yet haunting remark, ensuring they think about you long after you’re gone.

• “I should go. The police are probably looking for me.”

• “Well, enjoy your night. And remember: don’t answer the door if you hear knocking after midnight.”

Then simply walk away, leaving them with nothing but a deep sense of unease.

Final Thoughts

Making small talk is an essential life skill, but making memorable small talk is high art. By following this guide, you can ensure that strangers will not only regret speaking to you but possibly rethink their entire approach to social interaction.

And isn’t that what conversation is all about?