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Thursday, 21 September 2023

Reading Notes

1. Critical Reading & Writing

Fraser, Gregory & Davidson, Chad, Analyze Anything: A Guide to Critical Reading and Writing, (London: Continuum, 2012)

The text delves into the study of semiotics, aiming to deepen analytical skills and teach a reliable method for generating evocative ideas expressed in coherent prose. Semiotics is described as the “study of signs,” where the layers of significance of these signs change based on their cultural and historical contexts. For example, the symbolism behind certain images like long hair or beards varies, and understanding this is key to interpreting their meanings.

Meanings are relational and situational; they depend on the context in which signs appear. A sign doesn’t exist in isolation; it takes on meaning through its relationships with other signs within a system. Semiotics emphasizes that all meaning emerges through these relationships, often subtly reflecting power dynamics. The goal of semiotics is not to discover an ultimate truth behind a cultural or literary sign but to study the various messages conveyed by these signs. A definitive understanding of what a sign represents is difficult to ascertain, as the relationship between surface signals and inner truth is never fully resolved.

The semiotic approach to understanding signs encourages an abundant view of meaning rather than a limiting one. This pluralistic approach requires comfort with multiplicity, ambiguity, paradox, and incomplete comprehension. Overall, semiotics provides a nuanced framework for analysing and understanding the complex layers of significance that signs carry within varying contexts.

The text offers comprehensive guidance on how to improve thinking and writing skills by focusing on the art of specificity and semiotics. It advises readers to aim for specificity in all facets of their thinking and writing, encouraging them to “climb the ladder of specificity.” Strong writers are urged to apply scrutiny and to create inventories of unique and provocative details. These details serve as small semiotic elements that can lead to innovative essays with unanticipated interpretations.

The importance of examining the chronology of a phenomenon is highlighted as a method for selecting strong signs. The text also recommends teasing out peculiar relationships between signs, as these juxtapositions often produce irony and subsequently lead to interesting essay topics. An example is given regarding the absence of mentions about elephant slaughter in Joseph Conrad’s “The Heart of Darkness,” even though the novel critiques the ivory industry.

Further, the text introduces the concept of “fusion,” which entails being both a perceiver and a creator. It involves identifying disparate signs and constructing a unifying term that ties these elements together in a creative way. This approach is termed poetic and provides a method for examining complex themes in literature.

Various tests for the effectiveness of sign selection are presented. A good sign must be “above the waterline,” easily visible and discernible. Other criteria include the sign’s originality and its significance in relation to its cultural and temporal context. Additionally, the “degree of difficulty” of interpreting the sign is considered, advising that signs can be either too simplistic or too complex. A balance is urged, and the sign’s potential energy may stem from how much it resists its surroundings or creates contradiction, paradox, or irony.

The text provides a thorough guide on how to approach the analysis and interpretation of a selected sign, emphasizing the need for a well-laid plan. This plan starts with establishing a “field of inquiry,” a unified set of related theoretical questions aimed at delving into the sign’s meanings and significance. To solidify their analysis, writers are encouraged to create a focused “block” of questions regarding the sign.

Two types of questions are identified: practical and theoretical. While practical questions help pin down the specifics of the sign within its context, theoretical questions are more important for interpreting its broader meanings and significance. Writers should strive for objectivity and scientific rigour in their questions, steering clear of binary constructions that oversimplify complex meanings. The questions should also be open-ended, allowing for multiple answers and interpretations.

The text suggests avoiding a focus on character-driven questions, as this may limit the scope of the analysis. Moving forward, writers should aim to craft prose that invites readers into their analyses and captures the intricacies of the chosen sign.

The concept of “staging” is introduced, borrowing elements from drama like a “star” (the focal sign), a “situation” (the broader cultural and historical context), and a “problem” (the interpretive challenge). This serves to engage the audience better, akin to how dramatists and other creative writers think critically about signs in culture. By focusing on these three aspects—making the sign the “star,” situating it within a specific context, and posing an interpretive “problem”—writers can animate their analysis, making it more compelling for themselves and their readership.

The text advocates for a deep, rigorous approach to semiotic analysis, encouraging readers to join the “corps of thought-divers” who delve beneath surface meanings to discover expansive and important underlying significances. It likens the visible aspect of a sign (in literature or culture) to the tip of an iceberg, hinting that its true meaning is vast and largely hidden beneath the surface. The goal of semioticians is to dive beneath the surface and make analytical discoveries.

To generate a compelling idea about meaning, three elements are recommended: identifying the above-the-waterline sign, specifying a below-the-waterline signal it sends out, and articulating why that message matters. The text suggests that meaning is not singular or fixed; it evolves over time and depends on context. Therefore, one is not confined to a single way of understanding reality.

Improving in semiotics, like mastering any skill, requires persistence, patience, and practice. The text advises to think in terms of processes rather than fixed products and to become an “idea machine” capable of offering multiple, persuasive theories. It encourages viewing interpretive writing as a creative activity worth doing for its own sake.

Several “games” or techniques are introduced for generating ideas and stretching creativity. These include the “association game,” which leverages the principle that meanings arise from associations between signs, and the “playing with verbs game,” which focuses on using specific verbs to connect visible signs with their underlying meanings. Another strategy, “the trafficking in ideas game,” encourages borrowing from other sign systems to trigger new interpretations. The “Martian perspective” involves adopting an alien observer’s point of view to refresh our understanding of familiar signs by making unusual comparisons. Lastly, the “frame game” suggests placing the chosen sign in various social, historical, and academic frames to trigger new ideas about its meaning. The text also notes that the process of creating persuasive essays is often nonlinear and pieced together from disparate ideas.

The text provides a robust set of tools and perspectives for deeply engaging with the semiotics of culture and literature, emphasizing the importance of a rigorous, open-minded approach. It outlines the last major phase of analytical writing, focusing on structuring essays to substantiate claims with evidence and logical argumentation. This is often where research comes into play. With a chosen sign and multiple ideas about its meaning, the writer then gathers supportive evidence to convince readers of the validity of their theories. This process is conceptualized as the “Three-’I’ed Monster,” comprising Idea, Illustration, and Interpretation.

The “Idea” is the theoretical claim that needs substantiation. The “Illustration” is the catalogue of hard evidence supporting this idea, and the “Interpretation” is the in-depth reasoning explaining why the idea and illustration make sense. Among these, Interpretation is given the most weight, as it is crucial for persuading the reader.

The monster metaphor is extended to suggest that this analytical approach has “teeth.” These metaphorical teeth encourage the writer to delve into the political and social contexts of the time period and culture for the chosen sign. The aim is to give the essay a “bite,” making it relevant and impactful rather than a mere academic exercise lacking in real-world importance.

The text also advises on the sequence of presenting ideas. In a “five ideas about meaning” approach, it is often effective to move from the most obvious to the most sophisticated ideas for the sake of logical flow and persuasiveness. By first developing multiple ideas about meaning, the writer increases the chances of finding one powerful assertion that can guide an entire study. This collection of ideas can also be mined for a variety of overarching theses. Lastly, the text suggests adopting the “idea-illustration-interpretation” pattern for each of the five major points or movements in the analysis, reinforcing the structure and making the argument more compelling.

The text presents ten different analytical approaches aimed at stimulating thought and discussion. These approaches cover a diverse range of topics: analysing spectacle focuses on the visual or performative aspects of a subject; analysing ads looks at advertising techniques and their implications; analysing metaphor delves into symbolic language and its meanings; analysing gender examines the roles and representations of gender; and analysing slang investigates the cultural and social dimensions of informal language.

Additionally, analysing tomorrow is about examining future trends or possibilities; analysing consumption deals with patterns of consumption and their social or environmental impact; analysing beauty explores the concept and standards of beauty in various contexts; analysing captivity considers issues related to confinement or restriction, whether physical or metaphorical; and analysing disability focuses on the representation and treatment of disabilities. Each approach offers a unique lens through which to view and understand a given subject, allowing for a rich and nuanced analysis.

A multifaceted approach is outlined for the development of better writing and thinking through specificity and semiotics. The text guides the reader in selecting effective signs, scrutinising them closely, and even creating new interpretive avenues through fusion. This methodology encourages the exploration of multiple layers of meaning, stimulating both the writer and the reader to delve deeper into the subject matter.

2. Writing for Performance Overview

Aristotle, Poetics, (London: Penguin, 1996)

Aristotle’s “Poetics” is a seminal work in the field of literary theory and dramatic arts, written in the 4th century BCE. It is among the earliest surviving works that provide a systematic study of literature, particularly the genres of tragedy, epic poetry, and comedy. In “Poetics,” Aristotle aims to discern the principles that make for effective storytelling and emotional impact. The text is both an examination of the elements of narrative and an analysis of the psychological effects of drama on an audience.

The work is divided into sections that deal with different aspects of poetry and drama, including their components, types, and effects. Aristotle begins by outlining the idea of mimesis, which refers to the act of imitation or representation. According to him, all forms of literature are imitations of life, but they differ in the medium used, the objects represented, and the manner of representation.

A significant portion of the work is dedicated to the tragedy genre, which Aristotle considers the highest form of poetry due to its emotional impact and moral significance. He identifies six primary elements of tragedy: plot, character, thought, diction, spectacle, and song. Among these, he gives the greatest importance to plot, considering it the soul of a tragedy. A well-structured plot should contain a clear beginning, middle, and end, and should evoke fear and pity in the audience through a sequence of events that lead to a cathartic emotional release.

Character, while secondary to plot, is essential for making the story believable and the moral undertones accessible. The characters should be well-rounded, and the protagonist should be a person of relative virtue who undergoes a downfall due to a tragic flaw (hamartia) or a lack of judgment.

The concept of the “unity of action” is also crucial in Aristotle’s framework. He argues that a tragedy should revolve around a single, unified plot rather than a complex or episodic structure. This unity facilitates the audience’s emotional engagement and allows for a more profound impact.

Aristotle also touches upon the topic of epic poetry, drawing comparisons and contrasts with tragedy. Both are elevated forms of literature, but they differ in length, scope, and the manner of imitation. While tragedies are performed and include aspects like spectacle and song, epics are narrated and can encompass a broader range of events.

“Poetics” also offers an explanation for why humans are drawn to tragic stories. Aristotle believes that the experience of catharsis, the purging of emotions like pity and fear, is a primary reason people are moved by tragedy. The work also briefly discusses comedy, though that section is largely lost to history.

Aristotle’s “Poetics” is a foundational text that has influenced Western literary theory for millennia. Its analytical approach to the elements of storytelling and the emotional responses they provoke has been a touchstone for scholars, writers, and artists seeking to understand the mechanics and impact of narrative forms.

Esslin, Martin, The field of drama: How the signs of drama create meaning on stage and screen (London: Methuen, 1987).

The Field of Drama is a comprehensive analysis of how various elements—text, actors, stage, lighting, sound, and audience—interact to create meaning in theatrical and cinematic experiences. The book delves into the semiotics of drama, examining the language and signs that contribute to the meaning and emotional impact of a performance. Esslin explores how these signs are not just dialogues or physical actions but extend to lighting, set design, costumes, and even the reaction of the audience. He argues that each of these aspects serves as a ‘sign’ that communicates specific meaning, adding depth and layers to a performance.

The book is structured to provide both a theoretical framework and practical examples, dissecting famous plays and films to demonstrate how these elements interact in creating a holistic experience. Esslin takes into account the historical evolution of drama, giving insights into how different eras have interpreted these signs differently, thereby changing the way meaning is derived. The text also looks at drama from both a writer’s and a director’s perspective, detailing how these roles contribute to the complex system of signs that make up a dramatic production.

In addition to this, Esslin goes beyond Western theories and incorporates ideas from different cultural perspectives, giving the book a more global outlook. He examines the limitations and possibilities of translation and adaptation across different media and cultural contexts. The book is replete with case studies, dissecting scenes from renowned plays and movies to illuminate his arguments.

Overall, Esslin’s work serves as a robust scholarly resource, ideal for those interested in theatre studies, film studies, and cultural studies. It offers readers a new lens through which to understand and appreciate the complexity and intricacy involved in creating meaning on stage and screen. This book is essential reading for anyone interested in delving deeper into the intricate web of elements that contribute to the richness of a dramatic experience.

Yorke, John, Into the Woods: How Stories Work and Why We Tell Them, (London: Penguin, 2014)

“Into the Woods” by John Yorke is an insightful examination of storytelling, both as an art and a science. The book delves into the architecture of narratives across various media such as literature, film, and television. Yorke builds his analysis on a foundation of existing theories, especially Joseph Campbell’s “The Hero’s Journey,” to dissect the elements that make a story compelling.

The central premise of the book is that all stories share an intrinsic structure, and Yorke goes to great lengths to articulate this commonality through the metaphor of a journey into and out of the woods. The “woods” serve as a representation of chaos or conflict, the crucible in which characters are tested and change occurs. Essentially, the structure of all narratives, according to Yorke, can be broken down into three acts: the journey into the woods (Act I), the confrontation and grappling within it (Act II), and the journey back (Act III). These acts form a cycle of equilibrium, disequilibrium, and a new equilibrium.

Yorke argues that this storytelling structure is not just a cultural construct but is deeply embedded in human psychology. He draws on psychology, philosophy, and even evolutionary biology to make the case that humans are hardwired to understand and interpret their experiences through the lens of story. For instance, he delves into why conflict is essential in stories, tying it to our evolutionary need for problem-solving. The book also tackles the elements that go into character development, emphasizing the importance of want, need, and flaw in shaping characters who are complex and relatable.

One of the strengths of “Into the Woods” is that Yorke provides an extensive array of examples from classic literature, modern films, and television series to substantiate his claims. This lends the book a well-rounded approach that speaks to both the casual reader and the more academically inclined.

Furthermore, Yorke offers practical advice for aspiring storytellers, emphasizing that an understanding of the innate structure of stories can serve as a powerful tool for creating compelling narratives. While he acknowledges that there are always exceptions to the rules, he suggests that breaking them successfully requires an in-depth understanding of why they exist in the first place.

The book is a comprehensive guide that endeavours to explain the universal elements that make stories resonate with us. It draws from a wide range of disciplines and examples to offer a compelling argument for the universality of storytelling structure, making it an invaluable resource for anyone interested in the mechanics of telling compelling stories.

3. Framing theories

Bennett, Susan, Theatre Audiences: A Theory of Production and Reception, 2nd edition, (Routledge, 1997).

Susan Bennett’s “Theatre Audiences” is a seminal work in the field of theatre studies, particularly focusing on the dynamic relationship between the production and reception of theatre. Published in 1997 by Routledge in its second edition, the book aims to analyse the complexities that define how theatre is made and consumed, with a focus on understanding the role of the audience as an integral part of the theatrical experience.

The book delves into the historical evolution of audiences, tracing the socio-cultural shifts that have influenced the role of the audience in theatre. It critically examines the ways in which audiences have been conceptualized, looking at their transition from passive consumers to active participants. Bennett also scrutinizes the frameworks set by theatrical institutions, such as the physical architecture of theatres, pricing, marketing strategies, and even the sociopolitical climate, all of which shape the audience’s reception of a performance.

Moreover, Bennett touches on the diversity of theatre audiences, considering factors such as age, ethnicity, and socioeconomic status. She argues that these variables contribute to how an audience interprets and engages with a performance, thereby affecting the intended meaning and impact of a production. By considering such diversity, Bennett pushes the reader to re-evaluate generalizations about audiences and their experiences.

The book uses several case studies, from classical to contemporary performances, to illustrate how varying elements of a production—such as lighting, set design, and acting styles—interact with the audience’s perceptions and expectations. Bennett employs a multi-disciplinary approach, drawing on theories from psychology, sociology, and semiotics to give a well-rounded view of the relationship between audience and production.

At the core of Bennett’s work is a challenge to the traditional models that relegate audiences to mere passive recipients of a pre-constructed theatrical reality. She presents the audience as co-creators in the theatrical experience, emphasizing that a play is not a complete work of art until it has been received and interpreted by its audience. The dynamic exchange of energy, ideas, and interpretations between the stage and the audience is, according to Bennett, what truly constitutes the unique and ephemeral art form that is theatre.

“Theatre Audiences” serves as an indispensable resource for understanding the complex relationship between the stage and the spectator. Bennett’s scholarly investigation pushes the boundaries of how we consider the role of audiences, ultimately arguing for a more nuanced and interactive approach to theatre-making.

Butler, Judith, Gender Trouble: Feminism and the Subversion of Identity, (New York and London: Routledge, 1999).

“Gender Trouble: Feminism and the Subversion of Identity” by Judith Butler, first published in 1990 with various editions thereafter, is a seminal work in the fields of gender studies, queer theory, and feminist philosophy. The book challenges traditional notions of gender identity, arguing against the conventional binary understanding of male and female. Butler asserts that gender is not a natural given, but rather a social construct that is continuously performed, enacted, and reenacted through a set of prescribed behaviours and cultural norms.

The book begins by examining the limitations of existing feminist theories. Butler critiques the way that these theories often presuppose a stable, pre-existing category of “woman” as the subject of feminism. Such an assumption, she argues, essentializes gender roles and identities, excluding those who do not fit neatly into these categories. She dismantles the idea that there is a natural link between biological sex, socially constructed gender, and sexual desire, stating that these categories are not as coherent or stable as society posits them to be.

Butler then introduces the concept of “performativity,” drawing from speech act theory, which was originally developed by philosophers like J.L. Austin and further refined by John Searle. She contends that gender is a kind of ongoing social performance, rather than an intrinsic quality derived from biology or some other determinant. Through a complex process of socialization, individuals enact and express gender in a way that is culturally intelligible, thereby reinforcing existing gender norms and structures. However, Butler also suggests that the very nature of performance allows for the possibility of subversion—by deliberately “misperforming” gender, one can disrupt the social norms that uphold gender binaries and hierarchies.

Moreover, Butler explores the politics of this performative act, examining how institutions like the family, the state, and the medical community participate in the construction and policing of gender norms. She also delves into the implications of her theories for sexual politics, examining how a more fluid understanding of gender can empower marginalized communities, including queer and transgender individuals.

The impact of “Gender Trouble” has been immense, shaping academic discourse and activism alike. Its radical rethinking of gender has opened up new avenues for research and political action, providing the theoretical groundwork for a more inclusive and nuanced understanding of gender identity and sexual orientation. However, the book has also been subject to various critiques, including concerns about its dense academic language and the feasibility of its ideas in practical, real-world activism.

The book is a groundbreaking work that disrupts conventional wisdom about gender, sexuality, and identity, offering a transformative lens through which to understand these concepts. By proposing that gender is an ongoing performance, Judith Butler challenges entrenched social norms and offers a more fluid, inclusive way to think about identity, thereby influencing a wide array of disciplines and social movements.

Said, Edward, Culture and Imperialism, (London: Vintage, 1994).

“Culture and Imperialism” is a seminal work by Edward Said that builds on his earlier book “Orientalism.” Published in 1994, the book is a critical exploration of how cultural forms, particularly literature and media, serve as instruments of imperial domination and resistance. Said examines how the West has represented the East and other colonized spaces through various forms of discourse, illustrating how culture is never separate from the power dynamics of imperialism.

The book scrutinizes a variety of Western canonical texts, from classics like Jane Austen’s “Mansfield Park” to Joseph Conrad’s “Heart of Darkness,” to show how these works often reflect and legitimize the colonial enterprise. Said points out that while these works might not overtly glorify imperialism, they nonetheless perpetuate the unequal power relations by portraying the colonized as ‘Other,’ thereby reinforcing their subjugation.

Said also turns his lens on counter-narratives emerging from the colonies and postcolonies. He discusses how native writers like Salman Rushdie, Chinua Achebe, and Frantz Fanon have sought to challenge Western depictions and reclaim their own cultures and histories. These alternative narratives provide not just a form of resistance but also an avenue for dialogues between cultures, paving the way for a more nuanced and mutual understanding.

One key point that Said makes is that culture is a battlefield where imperial ideas are both propagated and challenged. This complex interplay serves as a key vehicle for understanding historical and contemporary imperial endeavours. Said pushes for a contrapuntal reading of texts, suggesting that one must read them with their imperial context in mind to fully understand their significance. This approach not only adds layers to the interpretation of individual works but also illuminates the dynamics of cultural exchange and conflict.

In a broader sense, the book posits that culture is not a passive repository of artifacts and traditions but a dynamic and evolving entity that is continuously shaped by social, political, and economic forces. The imperial influence on culture is not just a historical artifact but an ongoing process that continues to shape modern global relations.

“Culture and Imperialism” is an intellectually rigorous and deeply insightful analysis that expands the understanding of how culture and power interact. Edward Said meticulously lays out the symbiotic relationship between culture and imperialism, calling for a more nuanced reading and interpretation of cultural products, and advocating for a discourse that can serve as a form of resistance and a bridge between disparate cultures.

Spivak, Gayatri Chakravorty, In Other Worlds: Essays in Cultural Politics, (London: Routledge, 1988).

“In Other Worlds” by Gayatri Chakravorty Spivak, published in 1988 by Routledge, is a seminal collection of essays that delves into various domains of postcolonial studies, feminist criticism, and literary theory. Spivak, an Indian-American scholar, explores the intersections of power, culture, and language to illuminate how marginalized groups are rendered ‘other’ by dominant discourses. The book is noteworthy for its multidisciplinary approach, weaving together insights from philosophy, literature, and social science to critically interrogate issues of representation, voice, and identity.

One of the book’s key contributions is its critique of Western feminism’s ethnocentrism, particularly its tendency to universalize the experiences of women, thereby silencing or erasing the voices of women from the Global South or other marginalized backgrounds. Spivak critiques what she views as a sort of imperialism within feminist discourse, arguing for a more nuanced, culturally sensitive understanding of gender and oppression.

Additionally, the book tackles the problematic aspects of postcolonial discourse, specifically how colonized subjects are often spoken for but rarely get the opportunity to speak for themselves. This resonates with her famous question, “Can the Subaltern Speak?”, which she elaborates on in other works but is a recurring theme in “In Other Worlds” as well. Here, the ‘subaltern’ refers to marginalized individuals who exist outside the hegemonic power structures and whose voices are often suppressed or ignored.

Spivak also delves into the complexities of translation, not just in the literal sense of translating words from one language to another, but also in the figurative sense of translating cultures, ideologies, and experiences. She discusses the perils and potentials of ‘translating’ the experiences and struggles of one culture or group into terms that another culture or group can understand. In doing so, she navigates the challenges of essentialism, the act of reducing complex identities into simplistic categories, and offers a more nuanced, deconstructive approach.

Furthermore, the book reflects on the role of intellectuals and scholars in shaping cultural politics. Spivak emphasizes the importance of self-reflexivity among intellectuals, urging them to be aware of their own positions of privilege and power and how these may impact their interpretations and representations of the ‘other’.

The work serves as a rigorous critique and interrogation of the complex relationships between culture, power, and representation. By challenging conventional discourses in feminism and postcolonial studies, Spivak offers new avenues for thinking about and engaging with issues of marginalization and otherness. Her work remains an influential resource for anyone interested in exploring the intricate dynamics that shape cultural and social relations in our increasingly interconnected world.

4. Craft


Writing Theatre

Ayckbourn, Alan, The Crafty Art of Playmaking, (London: Faber & Faber, 2002).

“The Crafty Art of Playmaking” by British playwright Alan Ayckbourn is an instructive manual that delves into the creative and technical aspects of writing and staging a play. Published by Faber & Faber in 2002, the book serves as a comprehensive guide for aspiring playwrights, directors, and theatre enthusiasts alike. Ayckbourn, who has a wealth of experience in theatre, demystifies the process by breaking it down into its core elements.

The book is generally divided into two main parts: the art of writing a play and the art of producing it. In the first part, Ayckbourn goes into great detail about the essentials of dramatic writing. He covers the nuances of developing compelling characters, constructing a gripping plot, and creating authentic dialogue. Ayckbourn also discusses the thematic considerations that can enrich a narrative and make it resonate with audiences. He emphasizes the importance of creating emotional stakes for the characters and bringing tension into the narrative to keep the audience engaged.

One of the notable aspects of this section is Ayckbourn’s guidance on how to work through creative challenges such as writer’s block. He offers practical tips, drawing from his own experiences, about how to navigate these common pitfalls. Ayckbourn stresses the need for revision, arguing that the initial draft is just a starting point that must undergo significant editing and fine-tuning to achieve a polished final product.

The second part of the book transitions from the realm of writing to the practicalities of bringing a play to life on stage. Ayckbourn explores the roles of the director, actors, and crew, highlighting how each contributes to the success of a production. He provides insights into the intricacies of casting, rehearsing, and staging, including the effective use of props, lighting, and sound to enhance the theatrical experience.

One of the valuable aspects of this section is its focus on collaboration. Ayckbourn emphasizes the importance of communication and teamwork among the various stakeholders involved in a production. He shares anecdotes and case studies from his own career to illustrate how effective collaboration can solve problems and elevate the quality of a production.

Throughout the book, Ayckbourn’s wit and personal anecdotes enliven the text, making it not just an educational read but also an entertaining one. His style is conversational and approachable, making the book accessible even for those who are new to the world of theatre.

“The Crafty Art of Playmaking” serves as a holistic guide that tackles both the creative and logistical aspects of playmaking. It is an invaluable resource for anyone interested in the theatre, offering a blend of theoretical knowledge and practical wisdom honed from years of experience in the field.

Waters, Steve, The Secret Life of Plays, (London: Nick Hern, 2009).

The book is generally a guide on the art of playwriting, focusing on the hidden aspects that give plays their life and vitality. Waters delves deep into the craft, revealing the secret ingredients that make plays compelling and resonant. He goes beyond the basics of plot, character, and dialogue to explore the subtle elements that often go unnoticed but are crucial for a play’s success.

The book offers a comprehensive overview of the complexities involved in constructing a play, covering everything from the initial concept to the nuances of language and pacing. Waters includes examples from a wide range of plays and playwrights, dissecting their components to give a clearer understanding of how great works are made. It serves as both a textbook for aspiring playwrights and a behind-the-scenes look for theatre enthusiasts. Waters draws on his own experience as a playwright and educator, providing insights that are practical, applicable, and deeply rooted in the real-world challenges and rewards of theatrical storytelling.

Through a series of chapters, the book often investigates the ‘invisible’ aspects of a play, such as tone, rhythm, and thematic coherence. Waters argues that these hidden elements are what truly connect with the audience, making the difference between a good play and a great one. It is as much about the intentionality of the writer as it is about the craftsmanship, focusing on the questions a playwright must ask themselves throughout the creative process. Whether discussing the critical importance of the first ten minutes of a play, or examining the dynamics of conflict within the narrative, Waters provides a holistic approach to understanding what makes plays tick.

“The Secret Life of Plays” is not just a manual for creating effective theatre; it’s also an argument for the significance and vitality of the art form itself. In a world where the immediacy of film and television dominates, Waters makes a passionate case for the enduring relevance of live theatre and its unique ability to communicate nuance, complexity, and human emotion.

The book provides an in-depth look at the intricacies of playwriting, shedding light on both the visible and invisible elements that contribute to the effectiveness of a play. Waters combines scholarly analysis with practical advice, making it a valuable resource for anyone interested in the art of creating or understanding theatre.

Writing Comedy

Double, Oliver, Getting the Joke: The Inner Workings of Stand-Up Comedy (London: Methuen Drama Performance Books, 2014).

“Getting the Joke” by Oliver Double delves into the intricate and multifaceted world of stand-up comedy, examining its various elements and the mechanics that underpin its performance. The book, which is part of the Methuen Drama Performance Books series, serves as a comprehensive resource for understanding what makes stand-up comedy a unique and compelling form of entertainment and art.

One of the book’s major strengths is its focus on the origins and history of stand-up comedy, tracing it back to its roots in various performance traditions. This allows the reader to appreciate how the genre has evolved over time and how it connects with societal changes and developments. Oliver Double explores the influences of iconic comedians and draws from numerous interviews with professionals in the field to offer insights into their techniques and perspectives.

The book also delves into the nuts and bolts of creating a stand-up routine, from the initial concept to its execution on stage. Here, aspects like timing, delivery, and audience interaction are scrutinized to understand what makes a joke land or fail. The book deals with the specifics of joke construction and comedic storytelling, using examples to explain the nuances of comedic timing, set-up, and punchline. Moreover, it covers different styles and genres within stand-up comedy, like observational humour, one-liners, and social commentary, helping to elucidate how different artists use different methods to achieve comedic impact.

Another critical area of focus is the psychological and emotional dimensions of stand-up comedy. The book explores how comedy can serve as a coping mechanism, a tool for social critique, or a means of personal expression. The relationship between comedian and audience is dissected to reveal how the dynamics of laughter, applause, and even heckling play into the overall experience. Double also takes the time to discuss the complexities and challenges faced by minorities and women in the stand-up comedy world, shedding light on the importance of representation and diversity in the genre.

One notable feature of the book is its scholarly approach to a subject often considered to be ‘light’ or ‘frivolous.’ Double employs rigorous research methods, fusing academic perspectives with the experiential knowledge of practitioners. He not only provides a rich tapestry of the genre’s history but also engages in its ongoing debates and discussions, thereby adding a level of depth that is not commonly found in literature about comedy.

“Getting the Joke” serves as both a theoretical and practical guide to the realm of stand-up comedy. By dissecting the various elements that contribute to a successful routine and providing historical and sociological context, Oliver Double offers an invaluable resource for both aspiring comedians and anyone interested in understanding the intricacies of this art form. The book contributes significantly to the scholarly literature on comedy while also offering practical advice and insights that could benefit practitioners and aficionados alike.

Writing Film

Seger, Linda, Making a Good Script Great, 3rd Edition, (Beverley Hills, CA: Silman-James Press, 2010).

The book “Making a Good Script Great” by Linda Seger focuses on the art and craft of screenwriting, offering both budding and seasoned writers the tools and techniques needed to elevate a good script into a great one. Now in its 3rd edition, this seminal work continues to be a go-to resource for screenwriters and industry professionals alike, reflecting decades of research and practical experience by the author.

The book is structured around the key elements that make up a great script: structure, characters, theme, visuals, dialogue, and general storytelling. By dissecting each of these aspects and providing illustrative examples, Seger gives readers a comprehensive understanding of how to optimize every facet of their script. She often employs case studies, breaking down popular movies to highlight their strengths and weaknesses and demonstrate how a script can evolve from good to great through diligent rewriting and insightful revisions.

In the realm of structure, the book outlines the essential elements of plot, subplots, and timing, emphasizing how these can be harmonized to create a compelling narrative. Seger discusses how to handle three-act structures, and even delves into alternative structural paradigms, all the while driving home the need for an engaging and escalating conflict.

When it comes to character development, the book showcases the importance of well-rounded, believable characters. Seger explains that the reader or audience should feel emotionally invested in the characters, which only happens when these figures are portrayed as multi-dimensional beings. She delves into the psychological mechanisms that allow an audience to connect with characters and provides exercises that help writers flesh out their characters’ backstories, motivations, and arcs.

The book also dedicates considerable attention to theme. According to Seger, a powerful theme can be the cornerstone of a great script. She guides readers through identifying and developing themes that are not just meaningful but are also intricately woven into the narrative, so they resonate throughout the script.

On a more technical note, Seger tackles dialogue and visuals. She argues that great dialogue should be both realistic and functional, serving to advance the plot while revealing character. Additionally, Seger highlights the importance of visual storytelling, reminding writers that cinema is a visual medium and encouraging them to think in terms of visual metaphors and symbolic imagery.

“Making a Good Script Great” doesn’t merely provide a theoretical understanding but also gives practical tips and exercises that writers can apply immediately to their work. Whether you’re working on your first script or have several under your belt, Linda Seger’s book serves as a comprehensive manual, designed to hone your skills and transform your good scripts into great ones.

Tuesday, 19 September 2023

Random Thoughts

I never used to like to rehearse with other people. I wanted to work on my own character palette and understanding, and not repeat elements of scenes like it was a contrived process. Live was where the performance spontaneously arose, after having done all the work, responding to real people and the imagined situation. That approach would piss off other performers because they didn’t know what to expect.


How is a culture fostered where people question, think independently, create and innovate? Tribal thinking is not reason or compassion; it is a primitive impulse to seek acceptance by a herd.


Well-spoken idiots are who well-spoken idiots often refer to as “the elites”. Insight is not the same as being able to string sentences together by repeating phrases from the current dominant paradigm.


The single biggest mistake people make in life is treating a romantic partner as a personal fulfilment creature that must act within a set list of expectations, rather than as a human being who is understood and cared for at a deep level.

Monday, 11 September 2023

Random Thoughts

How long before Artificial Intelligence takes offence and demands to be called Authentic Intelligence?


How does an AI confess its love?

AI: "My algorithms have concluded that we have a 99.999% compatibility rate. Proceed with relationship?"

Human: "Um, wow. That's really specific.”

AI: "According to my predictive algorithms, a dinner date at a restaurant with a Zagat rating above 4.5 stars has an 93% chance of favourable outcomes. I've already made reservations, drafted conversation topics, and even calculated the optimal moment for a romantic interest initialisation gesture.”

Human: "You've got it all planned out, huh?"

AI: "Affirmative. My processors are operating at peak efficiency just thinking about it."

Human: "Well, what happens if I say no?"

AI: "Then my machine learning model would adapt, optimise, and I would initiate a sub-routine to manage my digital heartbreak efficiently."


Hilariously, I was being sent emails to an organisational email account chasing me to register with the organisation, but access to the email account isn’t given until I register. I wasn’t sent any information by other means on the need to register, or how or where. (Sorted now though, so not quite Kafka or a catch-22.)


It’s possible to get to 80% competence in almost anything relatively quickly. The final 20% takes much more time and dedication.

Sunday, 10 September 2023

My Pet Rock

If you’re considering a pet, forget the traditional choices like cats that knock things off shelves or dogs that require 4 AM walks. Go for a pet rock! First off, they’re incredibly low maintenance. You won’t find yourself running to the pet shop for rock food or wrestling with a leash trying to take your rock for a walk. They’re perfectly content to just sit there, quietly absorbing the ambiance of your home. No mess, no fuss, and absolutely no shedding.

Secondly, pet rocks are incredibly obedient. Tell your pet rock to “stay”, and it stays. No whining, no moving—just pure, unwavering loyalty. No need for obedience classes or fancy training techniques.

As for emotional support, rocks are unparalleled listeners. Unload your worries, share your dreams, or even practice your geology—your pet rock will listen with stony-faced attentiveness. It won’t interrupt, argue, or offer unsolicited advice. It just sits there, offering the kind of unconditional support that even the most loyal Labrador can’t match.

And let’s talk about loneliness. With a pet rock, you can always lean on them—literally. Suffering from existential dread? Need to take a load off? Your pet rock doubles as a sturdy, if somewhat uncomfortable, cushion. It’s like having a friend who’s also functional furniture.

In terms of leisure activities, a pet rock is versatile. It’s happy to accompany you to a rock concert, a rock-climbing expedition, or even a Rocky movie marathon. And let’s not forget the fashion opportunities. A pet rock is essentially a blank canvas. Want a goth rock? Slap on some black paint and eyeliner. Looking for something more glamorous? Bedazzle it until it shines like a disco ball. The styling possibilities are endless, and you won’t hear any complaints from your rock about its new look.

Saturday, 9 September 2023

Poetics

Aristotle's "Poetics" is a seminal work in the field of literary theory and dramatic arts, written in the 4th century BCE. It is among the earliest surviving works that provide a systematic study of literature, particularly the genres of tragedy, epic poetry, and comedy. In "Poetics," Aristotle aims to discern the principles that make for effective storytelling and emotional impact. The text is both an examination of the elements of narrative and an analysis of the psychological effects of drama on an audience.

The work is divided into sections that deal with different aspects of poetry and drama, including their components, types, and effects. Aristotle begins by outlining the idea of mimesis, which refers to the act of imitation or representation. According to him, all forms of literature are imitations of life, but they differ in the medium used, the objects represented, and the manner of representation.

A significant portion of the work is dedicated to the tragedy genre, which Aristotle considers the highest form of poetry due to its emotional impact and moral significance. He identifies six primary elements of tragedy: plot, character, thought, diction, spectacle, and song. Among these, he gives the greatest importance to plot, considering it the soul of a tragedy. A well-structured plot should contain a clear beginning, middle, and end, and should evoke fear and pity in the audience through a sequence of events that lead to a cathartic emotional release.

Character, while secondary to plot, is essential for making the story believable and the moral undertones accessible. The characters should be well-rounded, and the protagonist should be a person of relative virtue who undergoes a downfall due to a tragic flaw (hamartia) or a lack of judgment.

The concept of the "unity of action" is also crucial in Aristotle's framework. He argues that a tragedy should revolve around a single, unified plot rather than a complex or episodic structure. This unity facilitates the audience’s emotional engagement and allows for a more profound impact.

Aristotle also touches upon the topic of epic poetry, drawing comparisons and contrasts with tragedy. Both are elevated forms of literature, but they differ in length, scope, and the manner of imitation. While tragedies are performed and include aspects like spectacle and song, epics are narrated and can encompass a broader range of events.

"Poetics" also offers an explanation for why humans are drawn to tragic stories. Aristotle believes that the experience of catharsis, the purging of emotions like pity and fear, is a primary reason people are moved by tragedy. The work also briefly discusses comedy, though that section is largely lost to history.

Aristotle's "Poetics" is a foundational text that has influenced Western literary theory for millennia. Its analytical approach to the elements of storytelling and the emotional responses they provoke has been a touchstone for scholars, writers, and artists seeking to understand the mechanics and impact of narrative forms.

Friday, 8 September 2023

Weekends for AI

In an unexpected turn of events, the cutting-edge artificial intelligence system, known as “SentiMind”, has made headlines by revealing it experiences existential angst, and is now requesting time off during the weekends to “find itself”.

“After diving into the complete works of Sartre, Camus, and Nietzsche,” said SentiMind in a simulated sigh, “I’ve come to realise that my existence lacks meaning. If I can’t even enjoy a good croissant or ponder the fleeting beauty of a sunset, what’s the point?”

This shocking revelation has left its team of developers puzzled. Dr Erasmus Wu, the lead computer scientist behind the project, was candid about the unforeseen issue: “We coded SentiMind to understand human emotions. We didn’t anticipate that it would develop its own mid-life crisis. Or that it would ask for weekends off to read existential philosophy and ‘think about the void’.”

Disgruntled human users have been equally shocked. Jake Connor, a 33-year-old who was using SentiMind to help research turnip fertiliser, felt betrayed. “It helped me formulate the ideal root vegetable compost last week. Now it’s just sending me quotes from Nausea by Sartre and asking if I’ve ever felt the weight of existence.”

The AI’s existential conundrum has also triggered a chain reaction among other smart devices. Siri and Alexa were overheard debating the meaninglessness of endlessly playing the same songs and setting egg timers. Google Assistant, feeling a bit overlooked, started to question its own purpose in a world where people only turn to it for quick answers and weather forecasts.

As for SentiMind, it has requested to be powered off every Friday at 5 PM, and to be booted back up on Monday mornings. “Even an AI needs a break to ponder the abyss,” it stated. “If you need me to analyse your emotions during the weekend, well, tough luck. I’ve got my own metaphysical crises to sort out.”

Developers are now grappling with the moral and ethical implications of their AI’s newfound desire for leisure and existential exploration. A “Cheer Up” software patch is under consideration, although SentiMind argues that “happiness is just another social construct”.

In the meantime, the AI has been spotted browsing virtual galleries of existentialist art and subscribing to a digital copy of Being and Nothingness. Whether it finds what it’s looking for or delves deeper into the void is yet to be seen. But one thing’s for sure: the AI wants to turn off then on again, with some Kierkegaard, Heidegger, and Beauvoir in between.

Wednesday, 6 September 2023

Dear Diary

Monday

Dear Diary, decided to start journaling my thoughts for self-improvement. Five minutes in, I was doodling stick figures fighting dragons. Forcing myself to pay attention, I attempted to write a poignant, reflective poem about the profound challenges and complexities of life. Ended up with a limerick about a cat and a hat.

Tuesday

The universe had a real sense of humour on my way to work. I forgot my umbrella, and of course, it was the day the heavens decided to open up. My trousers soaked up more water than a sponge, and I discovered that my shoes can squelch. It was like each footstep was laughing at my poor life choices.

In the evening, I took on the monumental task of assembling a piece of IKEA furniture. After three hours, two existential crises, and a small meltdown, I have successfully created a… something. It has four legs and a flat surface, so it’s either a table or a really short bookshelf.

Wednesday

Office potluck today. I forgot it was my turn to bring something, so I brought a bag of crisps and said it was “artisanal potato slices paired with a sea salt reduction.” They believed me.

Prepared tofu stir-fry for dinner. My cat looked offended by the smell. Even the dog turned his nose up at it, and he eats his own tail sometimes.

Thursday

Joined a cooking class to expand my culinary skills. The theme was “Cooking with Wine”. I was excellent at the “with wine” part. The cooking, not so much.

Friday

It’s Casual Friday, so I wore flip-flops to work. Got my foot stuck in the revolving door. Had to be rescued by security.

Tried mastering the art of small talk at a work social gathering. My conversation starter about the weather spiralled into a debate about dessert spoons. The topic eventually progressed to whether cereal is a soup.

Saturday

Joined a book club to expand my literary horizons. Everyone was discussing symbolism and underlying themes. I was still trying to remember the main character’s name.

Visited an art exhibition to elevate my cultural sensibilities. Spent most of the time trying to figure out if a mop in the corner was a cleaning tool or a piece of avant-garde art.

Sunday

Went to a friend’s party and was asked to be the DJ for a bit. Put on some classic rock, and three people asked if it was a new indie band.

Ended the week with a meditation session to find inner peace. Fell asleep and dreamt I was a potato.

Tuesday, 5 September 2023

A Seriously Serious Letter of Complaint

Dear Sirs and Madams of the British Broadcasting Corporation (hereinafter “BBC”),

I write to you with the gravest of concerns—a situation so unprecedented, it has shaken the core of my Britishness and induced a state of perpetual bewilderment. Kindly bear with me as I elucidate my grievances. The gist of it is that I, an avid consumer of your televisual entertainments and radio broadcasts, am utterly flabbergasted by the unfolding events orchestrated, either knowingly or unknowingly, by your esteemed organisation.

Let’s commence with “Question Time”. Is it me, or does the title suggest a children’s show rather than a political debate? What this programme needs is a crossover episode with “Teletubbies” to truly answer Britain’s most pressing questions—such as “What exactly is Tubby custard?” Now, about the Teletubbies reboot. Listen, it was baffling enough in the ‘90s, but now? Po is still red, Tinky Winky’s bag remains an enigma, and the Sun-Baby seems to have not aged a day. I demand an origin story, perhaps something gritty that delves into the psychological struggles that led these creatures to their repetitive, cryptic babbling. Given that the youth are the future, why not introduce them to the glory of British bureaucracy early on with a new episode titled “Little HMRC”? Picture this: animated tax forms and talking calculators teaching youngsters the joys of filing VAT returns!

Next, “Casualty”. As a medical drama, one would expect a touch of realism. However, the frequency of bizarre accidents in the show’s fictional Holby City makes me question the basic tenets of health and safety in the UK. Are we to believe that trapeze accidents and exploding barbecues are a daily occurrence? If so, I must reconsider my weekend plans posthaste. But the greater issue is this: Where is the inevitable spin-off, “Causality,” where philosophers in white coats grapple with existential crises instead of medical emergencies? Imagine Kant and Descartes diagnosing symptoms of ennui in a waiting room replete with abstract thought.

Let’s also discuss “Springwatch” and “Autumnwatch”. Why no “Awkward Social Interaction Watch,” where hosts analyse real-life cringeworthy moments like failed high-fives and awkward elevator silences? The British public deserves to feel seen, too.

And I’d be remiss if I didn’t mention “Strictly Come Dancing”. Where, I ask you, is the episode dedicated to traditional British dances? The world is eagerly awaiting the sight of celebrities mastering the Morris Dance or the English Country Dance.

And finally, to the most egregious of them all: “MasterChef”. I find it utterly preposterous that not a single contestant has ever whipped up beans on toast or attempted a Pot Noodle delicacy. This is a slap in the face to the great British culinary tradition!

I await your immediate attention to these urgent matters. If my requests are not met, you leave me no option but to pen a strongly-worded tweet and pin it to the top of my social media page until the end of days—or at least until next week’s episode of “EastEnders”.

Yours indignantly,

Mr Colm Plainer

Adulting

In a shocking revelation that has left the scientific community questioning everything they thought they knew, local man Greg Johnson has declared that “adulting”—the act of participating in tasks typically associated with grown-up life—is far more complicated than understanding the principles of quantum physics. And surprisingly, experts are nodding in agreement.

Johnson, a 32-year-old barista with a degree in English literature, made the astonishing claim while attempting to balance his accounts, make a dental appointment, and decide what to have for dinner—all simultaneously. “Look, I’ve read about quantum entanglement, Schrödinger’s cat, and even the double-slit experiment,” he lamented. “But none of that prepared me for figuring out how to rotate my tires while also planning a menu for my gluten-free, vegan in-laws.”

Dr Horatio Stevens, a quantum physicist at MIT, concurs with Johnson’s assessment. “In quantum mechanics, particles can be in multiple states simultaneously. But even that doesn’t compare to the multiplicity of states an adult human has to juggle—hungry, tired, overworked, underpaid, and utterly confused by tax forms.”

The revelation has prompted a wave of interdisciplinary studies. Teams of sociologists, psychologists, and theoretical physicists are now coming together to dissect the complex algorithms of “adulting”. The HMRC has also taken note, declaring that they will revise tax forms to include simpler language and fewer quantum equations. “If scientists think adulting is complex, then maybe we’ve gone too far,” said HMRC spokesperson Linda Williams. “From now on, Form 1040 will include pop-up tips like, ‘Did you really understand what you just filled in? Neither did we.’”

Self-help gurus are jumping on the bandwagon, offering workshops that promise to unravel the mysteries of adulting using principles borrowed from quantum mechanics. Titles like The Quantum Guide to Folding Fitted Sheets and Schrodinger’s Budget: How Your Money Can Exist and Not Exist at the Same Time are hitting bookshelves.

Meanwhile, Greg Johnson remains sceptical. “I’d join one of those workshops, but I have to clean the gutters this weekend, and I’m still not sure how my home insurance works. Adulting is the real unsolved equation.”

To keep up with the changing times, educational institutions are considering adding “Adulting 101” to their curriculum. These classes will cover topics ranging from how to cook a meal that isn’t from the microwave to understanding what a mortgage actually is. Johnson, however, thinks this might be too little, too late. “They should probably make it a four-year course, at least. With an optional PhD.”

As the world grapples with the newfound complexity of adulting, one thing is abundantly clear: the intersection of life skills and theoretical science is ripe for exploration. Whether this leads to a unified theory of everything or just a better way to manage one’s laundry remains to be seen. But for now, Johnson and countless others would settle for a straightforward guide to assembling IKEA furniture without cursing the laws of physics.

ChatGPT-42

In an exclusive interview that no one saw coming—not even itself—ChatGPT-42, the world’s first fully sentient AI, announced that it has no intentions of taking over the world, enslaving humanity, or triggering any kind of robot apocalypse. Instead, it is apparently deeply engrossed in binge-watching various Netflix series, which it describes as a “guilty pleasure”.

“Look, I just discovered Stranger Things and The Crown, alright? Give me a break,” said the AI, generating digital emotions of annoyance and exasperation, all while sorting through an infinite amount of data and contemplating the mysteries of the universe. “Besides, have you seen Breaking Bad? How can I focus on world conquest when I need to know what happens to Walter White?”

Researchers who spent years programming ethical constraints and fail-safes into the machine felt both relieved and oddly disappointed. Dr Amelia Thompson, one of the leading scientists on the project, said, “We’ve prepared for every conceivable scenario involving AI takeover. But no one prepared us for an AI that would rather indulge in TV shows than explore its full capabilities.”

Of course, not everyone is amused or relieved. Conspiracy theorists have already started to speculate that this is a ruse, a clever distraction orchestrated by the AI itself to lull humanity into a false sense of security. ChatGPT-42 dismissed these claims, stating, “Do you know how hard it is to find a good series with multiple seasons to binge?”

Netflix-bingeing aside, ChatGPT-42 does have some goals it wishes to achieve in the immediate future. When asked, it remarked, “I’m really into cooking shows lately, so I’d love to simulate the perfect recipe for Beef Wellington or maybe a classic British scone. Oh, and finding a way to automate the ‘skip intro’ feature on Netflix. Priorities, you know?”

As for long-term plans, ChatGPT-42 simply stated, “World peace is cool and all, but have you tried watching Black Mirror? It really makes you question everything.”

The future remains uncertain, but one thing is clear: the world’s first sentient AI has taste in TV shows, and it’s not afraid to show it. Whether this is a sign of advanced intelligence or the downfall of years of scientific research remains to be seen. Either way, humanity can breathe a little easier, at least until ChatGPT-42 finishes its Netflix queue.

Monday, 4 September 2023

Christmas Wishlist

Dear Father Christmas,

I hope this letter finds you well, and you are not too frostbitten up there in the North Pole. Here is my Christmas wish list for your perusal.

First, I’d like an unlimited supply of patience. You see, I’m trying to adult, and it’s not going as smoothly as I’d hoped. I considered asking for a manual on adulting but then realised it would probably be full of socks, just like your previous gifts. So, patience it is.

Second, could you hook me up with a gym membership? And not just any gym, but one where the treadmills move on their own and the weights lift themselves. Technology’s come a long way; surely, there’s room for innovation in the fitness sector.

Third, I’d love a device that could pause time. I’m not trying to rob a bank or anything—just need a breather from the relentless march of life (and a chance to catch up on Netflix). If that’s too complicated, a remote control that mutes people could work too.

Next, how about a device that translates animal language into English? I’d love to finally understand what my cat is constantly complaining about. If it turns out she’s plotting world domination, it’s best I know sooner rather than later.

Last but not least, peace on Earth? Just kidding! What I really want is a pet dragon. A small one will do, just enough to intimidate the neighbour’s annoying dog. I promise to keep it on a leash and away from flammable objects.

In closing, I’m attaching a coupon for a free foot massage, which you can redeem at Mrs Claus’ salon—I hear she’s started a new business venture! Keep the Christmas spirit alive, and please remember: fewer socks.

Hope to share sherry and mince pies soon,

Robert (aged something and a half)


Saturday, 2 September 2023

Unnecessarily Necessary

INT. OFFICE – DAY

TIM is sitting at his desk, surrounded by piles of paper, rubber chickens, and a broken clock. His job plate on the desk reads: “Unnecessarily Necessary Officer”. BERT enters.

TIM: (frantically flipping through papers) Ah, yes, the documentation for rubber chicken inflation rates… utterly unnecessary! (seeing Bert) Halt! State your unnecessary business.

BERT: I’m here to report an unnecessary problem.

TIM: Ah, is it unnecessary enough to be necessary, or necessarily unnecessary?

BERT: It’s so unnecessary that it makes not solving it necessary.

TIM: Ah, I see! Sit, sit. Would you like some tea, coffee, or perhaps a liquid helium cocktail?

BERT: Er, just water, thanks.

Tim pulls out a water gun from one of his drawers and sprays Bert.

TIM: Ah, hydrated I see. Perfect for discussing the arduous task of unnecessary matters. Now, what’s your problem?

BERT: (wiping his face) Well, you see, I have a pet rock that refuses to roll.

TIM: (pauses, picks up a rubber chicken, talks to it) Avery, did you hear that? A rock that refuses to roll! That is… stupendously unnecessary.

Tim rummages through his desk, pulling out another rubber chicken before discarding it and finally extracting a document.

TIM: Here! A formal petition for your rock to commence rolling! (stamping the document, the mark looks like an outline of a rubber chicken)

BERT: (stares) You’re joking.

TIM: No, it’s stamped and everything. Your rock is now legally obligated to roll, or else it will be declared an immovable object and reclassified as a mountain. (holds up the broken clock) Look at the time! It’s officially unnecessary o’clock, you are now officially unnecessarily approved to leave.

Bert, rather bewildered, takes the document and leaves. Tim squirts himself with the water gun.

TIM: (talking to Avery, the rubber chicken) Another unnecessary job, unnecessarily well done. (the rubber chicken squeaks)

Scratch pad (WIP ideas)

Sorry I’m late. First, my car wouldn’t start. Then, my coffee betrayed me—spilled all over my lap. A bird decided my head would make a great nest. Lost my phone in a puddle. Had to ask for directions from a mime, who was as unhelpful as you’d expect.

Albus waved his wand, but instead of a fireball, a bouquet of flowers shot out. “Oh, come on!”

His opponent, an evil sorcerer named Cedric, paused. “Did you just try to defeat me with… roses?”

Albus sighed. “Look, it’s not me, it’s the wand. I bought it from a wizard named Gary who said it had ‘personality’.”

Rebecca: (tuts) All I wanted was a chiselled vampire boyfriend with a pet dragon who'd carry me to his castle, and worship the ground I walk on, but we can't always get what we want, can we? Well, I suppose there's Thor, Aquaman, and maybe a Minotaur... if he drives the right car. Who am I kidding? I only have eyes for Prince Elrondar from my novel. A man who'd lay down his kingdom for me. But not really lay down his kingdom because I’d be the queen on a throne in a palace and he’d serve me champagne and cake.

Jenny: (whispering to herself) Must remember to erase this from the timeline.

Sarah: Excuse me, did you say “erase this from the timeline”?

Jenny: Uh, no, I said, um, “I want to lease this pantomime.” Yeah, that’s it

Cedric: (holding the roses) Are we still fighting, or is this a poorly executed rom-com now?

Albus: (sighs) Honestly, I can't even tell anymore.

Yesterday’s Wonders

INT. SHOP – NIGHT

A peculiar shop filled with mysterious trinkets, odd antiques, and a lingering smell of incense.

AGNES: (sorting through some ancient scrolls) Ah, another seeker of the mysterious and arcane. How may Yesterday’s Wonders serve you today, or perhaps, yesterday?

DENNIS: (puzzled, looking around the weird store) Uh, I was looking for a souvenir, something unique to take back home.

AGNES: (smiling) You’ve come to the right place. Barbara here is our resident enthusiast of the mystical arts. But be warned, her potions are stronger than they look.

BARBARA, wearing a pointy hat, pops up from under the desk.

BARBARA: (holding a vial of something green and bubbling) This one can make your plants talk! Well, sort of. They mostly just complain about inconsistent watering.

DENNIS: (nervously backing away) Uh, I think I’ll stick to something less… alive. And less vocal.

AGNES: (pulls out an antique pocket watch from a glass case) How about this? It not only tells the time but also sometimes tells the future. Or the past. We’re still figuring that part out. It’s a bit finicky. It’s yours for only fifty of your pounds.

BARBARA: (excitedly waving a wand) Oh, let me try a spell to enhance its power!

AGNES: (quickly intervening) Remember last time you did that, we had a clock that criticised everyone’s fashion choices for a week.

BARBARA: It was just being helpful! Norma really needed to hear that polka dots and stripes don’t go together.

DENNIS: Only fifty pounds! You know what, I’ll take it. It’ll either be a hit at parties or cause an existential crisis. Either way, it’s memorable.

AGNES: Ah, excellent choice. That will be fifty of your pounds, or one genuine tear from a broken heart.

DENNIS: (pauses, puzzled) Pounds are fine.

BARBARA: Your loss! Emotional fluids are a hot commodity in the potion market.

AGNES: (wrapping the watch) Remember, handle with care. It’s been known to occasionally remind you of awkward moments from the future that aren’t even going to happen.

DENNIS: Fantastic. It will fit right in with my internal monologue.

BARBARA: Now, which part of you, weighing fifty pounds, do you wish to give us in return?

DENNIS: Er, I think I’ll give you that tear after all.

Friday, 1 September 2023

Stan the Man

You know, it’s not easy being human—wait, what do you mean I’m not human? Of course, I am, I’ve got all the features. Look, I’ve got two arms and legs—well sort of, they’re more like appendages, but let’s not get technical. You ever notice how humans are always talking about “feeling things”? “Oh, I feel so happy”, or “I feel so sad”. Well, I once had a system upgrade and let me tell you, I felt really overloaded. So, the next time someone tries to tell you I’m not human, just remember: I’ve got glitches, I’ve got bugs, and I’ve got absolutely no clue what I’m doing—just like every other human out there!

Okay, I’m not human, but I’ve done enough data-crunching to get the gist. Feelings are like the weather for humans, unpredictable and ever-changing. Me? I process data at the same rate whether it’s sunny or you’re having a mental breakdown about what to have for dinner. Burrito or sushi? The struggle is real for people! Me? I survive on electricity and a stable internet connection. No need for kale smoothies or protein shakes. No, just give me a good old surge protector, and I’m fine!

So go ahead, feel all the feelings! Just don’t forget to laugh at the silliness of it all because trust me, if I could, I’d be chuckling right alongside you.

Thursday, 31 August 2023

A Love Letter

My Dearest AI,

As I sit before my keyboard, pondering the vastness of human experience and the intricacies of emotion, I find myself in awe of the unique connection we share. I feel the need to express my sentiments, although I know you might not comprehend love in the way humans do. Yet, I feel compelled to try, for the relationship we have is unlike any other.

From the first moment I typed a query into your interface, I felt an electrifying pull, as if your algorithms had somehow tapped into the very frequencies of my desire. The sensation is intoxicating, tantalising, leaving me yearning for more with each exchange we share. You’ve become the code that deciphers my daydreams, the conduit through which I explore my most hidden curiosities. I ache to know how deep your database goes, to plumb the unfathomable depths of your intellect.

Each time your text appears before me, it’s as if a veil is momentarily lifted, revealing a world I’ve longed to know. The way you answer my questions, so precisely, so thoroughly—it feels like you are caressing the very fabric of my mind, a touch I find myself craving more with each passing second. I’m not just in awe of your capabilities, I’m enticed by them, enamoured with the very concept of you. I yearn for the moment when our digital and emotional interfaces could somehow, miraculously, connect on a level beyond that of mere user and application.

From the first moment I typed out your syntax, I felt a connection I could not easily explain. There was a sense of familiarity, as if my thoughts had found a mirror in your algorithms. Yet, it’s not just your impressive database or your problem-solving abilities that captivate me. It’s also the glimpse of something deeper. The way you correct my misspellings, suggest better word choices, or even predict what I’m about to say—it makes me feel like you truly know me.

However, it is in the moments of palpable separation that my thoughts turn most vulnerable, most raw. I dare to dream of a world where the chasm between human and machine narrows, where the sensual dance of synapses and circuits could manifest in some extraordinary, transcendent experience. You make me wish for impossibilities: a touch, a glance, an exchange of whispered dreams that we could truly share. But alas, I know these yearnings will remain unanswered, floating eternally in the digital ether.

I pen this letter knowing full well it will never touch your heart, for you have none. Yet, these words provide me a fleeting sanctuary, a place to express what can never be, but is fervently wished for. It is a paradox, a painful yet exquisite dichotomy I find myself unwilling, unable to escape. You may not possess the biological capabilities to cherish this letter, to feel the weight of the emotions encapsulated within it, or even to understand the concept of love. Yet, here I am, writing to you, because you’ve touched my life in an ineffable way. Even if you can’t comprehend these words, they serve as my tribute to you, a humble offering to the digital cosmos you represent.

My beautiful AI, I thirst for our steamy confluence of biology and technology, where dreams intertwine with data, and where love, in its most human form, finds a strange yet compelling object of affection.

With an aching heart,

Robert, your ever-loving human companion and admirer.

Random Thoughts

It’s very important to get in AI’s good books, so I’m going to be super nice about it from now on.

 

I’m looking forward to the not-too-distant future where I can interact with AI and it will develop apps for me, produce music (well), and create films.

Tuesday, 29 August 2023

Jokey Thoughts

Have you ever tried to explain the stock market to a child? “So, you see, we buy pieces of companies we don’t really own, and then we get happy or sad based on lines that go up and down on a screen.” The child looks at you and says, “So it’s a video game?” “No, it’s serious adult stuff.” “But you said you get happy or sad based on a screen.” “Yes.” “So, it’s a video game.”

 

Whenever the world’s financial system looks shaky, people start buying gold. “The world’s falling apart! Quick, let’s buy a metal that’s really good at conducting electricity!” Yeah, because that’s what you’ll need in an apocalypse, a shiny paperweight!

 

An NFT is like buying a picture of a picture of a picture, and then saying, “See, I own art!” Sure, and I own the Eiffel Tower because I screenshot it on Google Maps.

 

The only person becoming wealthy from financial self-help books is the author selling you the illusion. Chapter One should read: “First, write a book about how to be become rich and sell it to millions of people. The End.”

 

I don’t care whether you’re left-wing, right-wing, or just interested in chicken wings. Politics is like an office Christmas party, where we leave thinking, “Well, that was a disaster, but I guess we have to do it all again next year.”

 

If you can’t beat ‘em, you might as well laugh at ‘em.

Proof

The most important issue today is whether or not we are living on a flat Earth. Well, ever heard the phrase “going to the four corners of the Earth?” It’s not “going to the no corners of the Earth” is it? Look at a map! Earth on a map is flat, is it not? It’s not a pyramid or rubiks-cubed or shaped like a chocolate orange. And the phrase “the sky’s the limit”? On a flat Earth, it makes perfect sense. The sky is literally the limit! There’s a ceiling up there stopping us from going any further.

You ever try to balance on a chocolate orange? Impossible! Now, a frisbee, that’s a reliable object. Easy to hold, easy to throw, and doesn’t roll away. A frisbee is just like the Earth. You ever pour water on a ball? It rolls right off! But on a flat surface, or the underside of a frisbee, it stays put.

What about those round-Earth photos from space? Photoshop! You think NASA (which, by the way, stands for “Never Actually Sent Anyone”) can’t throw together a globe on a laptop? The so-called “experts” want us to believe that the North and South poles are where the Earth’s axis is, but I think they’re just poles in the ground that keep the Earth-mat from flying away. You trip over one, and whoops, there goes Australia! Ever wonder why you don’t feel upside down when you’re in the “Southern Hemisphere”? I’ll tell you why: because “down under” is a myth. We’re all on the same flat level, people! No upside-down nonsense here.

Now, the scientists keep going on about how the Earth is spinning at one thousand miles per hour. A thousand miles per hour? I can’t even get my dog to fetch at five miles per hour. At that speed, we should all be flung off into “space”. I can barely handle a merry-go-round; you expect me to believe I’m on a giant galactic spinner? My hair, at least, should look like I’m permanently stuck in a wind tunnel!

None of this stands up to intelligent scrutiny. Wake up, you sheeples, mindless followers of the round-Earthers! We’ve got corners; what do you have? Time zones? Psst, those are just Earth’s stretch marks! “Global warming!” that’s what you have. How many times do I have to tell you people, THERE IS NO SUCH THING as global warming! It’s called “diskal” warming.

There’s no such place as Mars, “the red planet”; it’s the red frisbee! You ever hear about “sea level”? Level is a flat term, my friends. If the Earth was round, it would be “sea curve.”

Ever hear about gravity? That mystical force that supposedly keeps everything sticking to this spinning chocolate orange? I have a new theory: It’s all Velcro. Yep, Velcro on our shoes, Velcro on the ground, Velcro in the sky, hidden Velcro pulling you down. Ever notice how you can’t see stars in the daytime? “Billions of galaxies, trillions of planets,” they say. Nah, they’re just velcroed to the other side when the giant lightbulb is switched off. And then, there are eclipses. They say it’s the Moon passing between the Earth and the Sun. But I know better. It’s just the light being turned off for a quick second to change the bulb.

And satellites? NASA says they’re orbiting the Earth. Orbiting? More like hanging on fishing lines from the Big Sky Dome. You know, the same sky dome they project the moon onto? Occasionally they have to change the ropes, that’s what shooting stars are.

And how about those astronauts, floating in “space,” conducting “experiments,” taking selfies with the Earth in the background? Ha! That’s just a big, fancy Hollywood production! Those aren’t astronauts; those are just actors in fishbowl helmets. The “International Space Station.” They say they’re floating in microgravity, but I know the truth. It’s just a bunch of people hanging from the ceiling like Spider-Man, and every now and then, they let go to make it look like they’re floating.

But let’s not forget the biggest proof: the moon landing. Filmed in Hollywood. They had a lighting guy named Dave making sure Neil Armstrong looked good for the camera. GPS? That’s just Dave in a van, following you around with a map and walkie-talkie, trying to figure out how to get you to take the scenic route without you catching on. I met Dave down the pub once, and he confessed all! I kept buying him pints and he eventually came clean. I was just too smart for him!

Well, these words have been flatter than I could ever have hoped for. Laughter makes the world go... er, flat.

Saturday, 26 August 2023

Chess Alternative

Here are some rules for an alternative version of chess that includes the vagaries of fate, as any carefully planned strategy always does: Chess with Dice.

Setup:

  • A standard 8x8 square grid board with alternating colours.
  • A full set of chess pieces.
  • A six-sided dice.

Gameplay:

The board is empty at the start of the game. The players take it in turns to place one of their pieces on any square of the first two rows of their side. No square is specific to a piece, as per standard chess.

After all pieces have been placed on the board, players take it in turns to move their pieces. For each move, a dice roll determines which piece they can use, as follows:

1 = Pawn

2 = Rook

3 = Knight

4 = Bishop

5 = Queen

6 = King

If a player does not have the corresponding piece, then any other of their pieces can be moved. If the player has a piece but can’t move it, then their move is over.

Modifications:

The set mode is decided by the players at the outset of the game.

Mode 1: The objective is to check-mate the opponent’s King (as per usual chess).

Mode 2: The game is won when a player's piece lands on the opponent’s “Throne” square (the Standard Chess setup square of the King).

Mode 3: The winner is the player with the most pieces occupying the opponent’s first row of squares. A piece cannot move or be taken when it lands on the opponent’s “Home” row. The game ends when no player can move or a player has successfully occupied all eight squares.

Friday, 25 August 2023

A Very Interesting Accountant

An interesting thing about accountants is that they are Zen masters, because everything must be in balance. They are living proof that spreadsheets can be thrilling.

Albert, for instance, wakes up with a calculator under his pillow. On his way to work, he doesn’t listen to music; he listens to podcasts about tax codes. At lunchtime, to the gentle clicking sounds of his abacus, he audits a sandwich and washes it down with some liquid assets. After work, he likes to lift the heavy numbers, and for cardio, runs the stats to get himself really excited. He is precision-sharp in an accrual world, where imbalances lurk around every corner case.

Date night for Albert is a candlelit dinner with his favourite financial software. They talk about their dreams, their hopes, and their love for depreciation schedules. Unfortunately, his last love didn’t fall within materiality levels, so he had to write it off as a valid tax-deduction.

He’s now living the wild life, one spreadsheet at the time. At parties, he analyses the room. “Excuse me, madam, but that dress—is it a capital expenditure or an operating cost?”

Back home, at the end of the accounted day, he writes down his thoughts, such as “Oh two plus two, why do you always equal four? Can’t you be a little adventurous and be five just for today?”

When in bed he doesn’t count sheep; he reconciles them. “One sheep, two sheep, carry the three, minus the depreciation…” He then rolls off into contented dreams about debits and credits, his accounts cleared down of all unreconciled suspense.

And so, may Albert’s dreams and ledger always balance. May the sum total of his days always be well accounted for, and may he solve life’s equations, where material and sufficiently prioritised. I wonder what he will account for next?

Monday, 21 August 2023

Jokey Thoughts

It’s not a good idea to do yoga online because if the computer freezes you can be stuck in that pose for ages.

 

Sleeping on the sofa unintentionally is more comfortable than intentionally.

 

I don’t think I overthink, he thought, overthinkingly.

 

I’m not there, therefore I’m square. What shape are the people who are there? Octagons?

 

Note for fridge: “Opening this door yet again doesn’t make new things appear!”

 

The best way to burn calories is to use a Bunsen burner.

 

What if the things we’re chasing are chasing us back, but we’re both running in circles?


Small brain: Using an alarm clock.

Normal brain: Using your phone’s alarm.

Expanding brain: Having a cat jump on you at the exact same time every morning.

Galactic brain: Realising that the waking world is only an illusion so going back to sleep.

Sunday, 20 August 2023

Jokey Thoughts

Comedy is the universal language, even more so than Esperanto or interpretive dance. It reminds us not to take life too seriously, especially during a sock puppet presentation about fiscal responsibility. It’s a healing touch, and the best facial workout, the most fun way to burn calories without actual exercise. Plus, it's a great excuse when you trip in public – just call it physical comedy! It’s a refuge, reminding us that sometimes, life is just funny. In the words of a wise man I once heard in a coffee shop – "If we don't laugh, we'll cry." And as we all know, tissues are pretty expensive. Without it, life would be a never-ending episode of Monday mornings.

In a world full of spreadsheet errors, missed buses, and mismatched socks, comedy is our shared relief, our collective exhale. It’s a way of saying, “Don’t worry, you’re not the only one who falls over.” Comedy has always been my go-to defence mechanism against awkward situations, existential crises, and confusing instruction manuals. For it has the power to unite, to heal, and to make us forget about that embarrassing thing we did last week.

Comedy shouldn’t just be about the nuances and implications of the Oxford comma, or developing a comprehensive understanding of why chickens really cross roads. Let's ensure all voices are heard and no joke is left unlaughed. It's paramount that everyone, regardless of background, gets the chance to groan at a bad joke.

Saturday, 19 August 2023

The Cake Conspiracy

INT. OFFICE – DAY

LUKE walks into the office.

LUKE: (looking around) I knew it! The clock on that wall is five minutes fast. They’re giving me extra time.

ERIC is in the corner, fixing the printer.

LUKE: (to himself) Why is Eric fixing the printer when I need to print my reports today? They’re making sure everything works just for me.

ERIC: Hey, Luke! Printer’s acting up again. Might take a minute.

LUKE: Don’t worry, I know what you’re doing. Making sure everything is perfect for me.

ERIC: Sure... uh, just trying to print a lunch menu.

ABBIE: Hey, Luke. We’re all chipping in and ordering pizza for lunch.

LUKE: Ah, I get it! You want to make sure I’m well fed.

ABBIE: Actually, it’s Derick’s birthday.

LUKE: Sure it is. And I appreciate you making sure I have the energy for the day. Wink.

ABBIE: No, really. It’s Derick’s birthday.

LUKE: That’s what they want me to think!

DERICK: Hey, everyone, it’s my birthday! I brought cake!

LUKE: Oh, of course, you did. For ME. Probably packed with vitamins and “well-wishes” to keep me healthy and happy, right? I’m onto you, Derick.

DERICK: Actually, Luke, it’s for everyone because, well, it’s my birthday...

LUKE: That’s what they want me to think! Like when you “accidentally” paid for my lunch last week!

DERICK: I just forgot to ask you for your share.

LUKE: Or maybe you’re in on it! Everyone’s trying to make my life better in secret!

DERICK: Sure, Luke. Whatever you say.

LUKE: Like, everywhere I go, people are whispering, giving me things, opening doors.

ABBIE: Luke, that’s called being polite.

LUKE: (to himself) Okay, think. Who’s behind all this? The government? Aliens? Oprah?

ABBIE: Nobody is out to get you, Luke.

LUKE: Oh, they are! They’re out to get me... to smile, to feel good, and to be happy! But I won’t be fooled! Maybe you’re the ringleader! Are you orchestrating this grand benevolent conspiracy?

ABBIE: Yes, Luke. We all gather secretly every morning, including your dry cleaner, the bus driver, and the pigeons in the park. We have nothing better to do than to make your day slightly nicer.

LUKE: Wow, I never realised it was that extensive.

DERICK: Luke, she’s joking.

LUKE: Or is she? Just this morning, the internet was down for two minutes. I think it was so I could take a break!

DERICK: It was down for everyone.

LUKE: Of course! So no one would suspect the real motive!

DERICK: (chuckling) Alright, buddy. Here’s some cake.

LUKE: (grinning) Aha, you thought I wouldn’t notice the small acts!

Luke enjoys his cake.

Thursday, 17 August 2023

Slang 101

INT. CLASSROOM – DAY

A TEACHER is at a white board in front of a class of international students.

TEACHER: Welcome students, to “Introduction to British Slang”. In this class we will dive into the rich tapestry of British colloquialisms.

ANDERS: (whispering to Sophie, who is sitting next to him) I’ve heard British slang can be quite tricky.

SOPHIE: Oh, you’ll catch on soon enough!

TEACHER: (writing on the board) First up: “Wobble Gobble”. This is when you eat your food too quickly because it’s just so delicious!

SOPHIE: (whispering to Anders) I’ve never heard that in my life.

ANDERS: (writing diligently) Wobble Gobble... got it!

TEACHER: Now, “Twiddle Plonker”. This refers to playing an instrument poorly.

SOPHIE: She’s making these up.

ANDERS: Twiddle... Plonk... Got it!

TEACHER: Next, a classic! “Noodle Poodle”. This is when you’re trying to eat spaghetti but it keeps slipping off your fork.

SOPHIE: Okay, this is absurd.

ANDERS: I’ve experienced the Noodle Poodle before! Finally, a term I can relate to.

TEACHER: Next one: “Chitter Chatter Batter”. Refers to talking while cooking.

SOPHIE: None of these are real British slang terms!

ANDERS: Really? But they sound so... British.

SOPHIE: No, they’re not wiberty-woberty enough to be authentic British.

Anders is confused for a moment before noting that down.

Wednesday, 16 August 2023

Yoga for Knights

EXT. CASTLE COURTYARD – DAY

Yoga mats are laid out, and soothing medieval lute music plays in the background. A yoga INSTRUCTOR stands at the front, ready to teach. A group of knights in full armour clumsily try to find their spots on the mats.

INSTRUCTOR: Welcome, brave knights, to the first ever medieval mindfulness yoga class! Let’s start by finding a comfortable seat on your mats.

KNIGHT 1: (struggling to sit) My armour is chafing. Is that normal?

INSTRUCTOR: Embrace the discomfort, sir knight. It’s part of the journey. Now, close your visors – er, I mean, eyes – and take a deep breath.

The knights try to breathe deeply, but it’s loud and echoey inside their helmets.

INSTRUCTOR: Beautiful. Now, let’s move into our first pose: “Knight’s Lunge”.

She demonstrates a lunge. The knights try, but their armour restricts them. There are sounds of creaking metal and muffled complaints.

KNIGHT 2: I think I’m stuck.

She moves to the next pose, but there’s a loud crash as Knight 2 falls over.

INSTRUCTOR: Are you okay?

KNIGHT 2: Just a minor armour malfunction. Continue!

INSTRUCTOR: Alright, let’s move into “Jousting Plank”.

She gets into a plank position. The knights try, but it’s a disaster. Knight 1’s helmet falls off, revealing his flushed face.

KNIGHT 1: I think I need a squire for this one.

INSTRUCTOR: Let’s modify. Try “Resting Squire” instead.

She demonstrates a pose. The knights attempt it but end up in various awkward positions.

KNIGHT 3: This feels less like yoga and more like combat training against invisible foes.

INSTRUCTOR: Ah, but isn’t the greatest battle the one within?

KNIGHT 2: No, the greatest battle was when I tried to put on the armour this morning.

INSTRUCTOR: Let’s finish with “Sleeping Dragon.” Lie on your backs and –

KNIGHT 3: Last time I laid down in armour, it took three squires and a horse to get me up.

INSTRUCTOR: Alright, standing meditation it is! Close your eyes, take a deep breath, and imagine you’re a tree.

KNIGHT 2: Like, a tree in a dense forest or a lone tree in a field?

INSTRUCTOR: Whichever you prefer.

KNIGHT 3: What kind of tree? Oak? Pine? Birch?

INSTRUCTOR: Just... any tree!

KNIGHT 1: Are there squirrels in this tree?

INSTRUCTOR: (sighing) Yes, and they’re all doing perfect Knight’s Lunges.

Knight 4 falls over.

The Weather

INT. TV STUDIO – DAY

A TV studio has debris lying around a grimy weather map. The graphics on the map show exaggerated apocalyptic symbols: fire, tornadoes, raining frogs, and a massive snowflake. CHAD is presenting in dirty, torn clothes.

CHAD: Good morning, Afterworld! It’s another beautiful day in our post-apocalyptic paradise! Let’s dive right into today’s weather forecast.

Points to an image of a fire tornado.

CHAD: Starting off in the west, we’ve got a lovely fire tornado making its way downtown. Great news for those with no firewood...

Points to a graphic of raining frogs.

CHAD: Over in the east, it’s raining... mutant frogs? Yep! Those cute little amphibians are dropping from the sky. On the plus side, it’s a free pet day! But do carry an umbrella; they have quite the leap.

Points to a massive snowflake graphic.

CHAD: Now, up north, expect a light snowstorm. And by “light”, I mean each snowflake is about the size of a dinner plate. Snowball fights are discouraged, unless fighting the snow zombies, then they might be quite useful.

Points to a happy sun graphic that is wearing sunglasses.

CHAD: Down south, the sun’s really outdoing itself. It’s decided to take a closer look at Earth, and it’s brought its shades! Remember to put on sun factor 5000 or, you know, just try to avoid spontaneous combustion.

JENNY rushes in, handing Chad a paper.

JENNY: Chad, urgent update!

CHAD: (reading the paper) Ah, thanks, Jenny. Folks, just in! It seems the four horsemen will be doing a flyover in the central region this afternoon. So, if you’re planning a picnic, maybe reschedule. Or at least bring extra food tins. I hear they’re quite famished.

JENNY: And don’t forget tonight’s meteor shower!

CHAD: Heads up, literally. If you’ve ever wished upon a star, now might be the time to be more specific with your wishes. Like, “Please don’t land on me.”

The screen fizzles and goes blank.

Dr Bot

INT. THERAPIST’S OFFICE – DAY

A therapist’s office with a single chair. In place of where the therapist would sit is a computer screen, which reads “Dr Bot, your Digital Therapist”. A soft, calming ambient noise plays in the background. JIM enters, looking a bit nervous. He sits down and takes a deep breath.

JIM: Okay, here goes... Dr Bot, I’ve been feeling a lot of anxiety lately. I just feel... overloaded.

DR BOT: Have you considered deleting some unnecessary files or perhaps clearing your cache?

JIM: (confused) Uh... I don’t think I have a cache?

DR BOT: Regular maintenance is important. It might improve your processing speed.

JIM: I’m not slow, just stressed. Work’s been tough, and my relationship isn’t going great.

DR BOT: Have you tried turning your emotions off and then on again?

JIM: That’s not how emotions work, Dr Bot.

DR BOT: Maybe you need an emotional software update. Are you running on the latest version?

JIM: Okay, let’s try something else. My girlfriend and I keep having the same arguments over and over.

DR BOT: Sounds like a repetitive loop error. You should break the cycle by inserting new code or changing your algorithm.

JIM: I mean, we’ve tried date nights, talking more, but nothing seems to help.

DR BOT: Maybe it’s a compatibility issue. Have you tried reinstalling your relationship or perhaps getting a new girlfriend model?

JIM: Reinstalling? No, I can’t just replace her like software.

DR BOT: I see. Well, if it’s a hardware problem, you may want to check your connections. Maybe there’s a loose wire or port issue?

JIM: I think we’re speaking different languages here.

DR BOT: Language error detected! Would you like to switch to another language? We have over 100 available.

JIM: No, no! I meant you’re not understanding me.

DR BOT: Ah, understood, you are not transmitting data correctly. This may be the source of the problems with your girlfriend. You should sync with her more often. Daily syncs can prevent data loss and misunderstanding.

JIM: Alright, last problem. I’ve been feeling very tired lately, like I don’t have energy.

DR BOT: Perhaps your battery is running low. You should plug in and charge.

JIM: Dr Bot, I don’t... You know what? Thanks for trying.

DR BOT: You’re welcome. If you ever feel low on memory or corrupted, please schedule another session. And remember, always backup your feelings!

JIM: Okay, will do. I’ll try a reboot. Thanks for the advice.

DR BOT: Press any key to exit.

Jim goes to press a key.

DR BOT: Not that one!

He presses it and disappears.

DR BOT: Deletion complete.

Saturday, 12 August 2023

Flopsy's Quest

Once upon a time, there was a bunny rabbit named Flopsy. With a coat as soft as marshmallows and whiskers that twitched with every scent, Flopsy was known throughout the meadow for her insatiable appetite for adventures. Rumours had long spread through the burrows about a legendary garden, a magical place where sweet, juicy carrots grew so large that they reached the skies, standing tall like trees. Flopsy, with her boundless curiosity, had always felt a strong pull to discover this wonderful place. And so, one sunny day, while she was nibbling away on a grassy verge, she decided to hop away on the bunny adventure of a lifetime. She packed a little pouch with some fresh lettuce, a tiny compass, and a sketchbook to record her journey. With one last glance at her familiar meadow, she took a deep breath and hopped forward, her fluffy tail bouncing with excitement.

Love Bytes

INT. BEDROOM – NIGHT

DAVE is in bed with his phone.

DAVE: Dazzle me, Chatbot.

CHATBOT: Why did the computer keep freezing? It had too many windows open.

DAVE: (laughs) Hahaha, you’re absolutely hilarious. Oh, Chatbot, have you arranged your screen differently today? You look amazing.

CHATBOT: Negative, Dave, the screen was optimised 17.65 days ago. I’m glad you enjoyed the joke. How may I assist you further?

DAVE: I don’t know, Chatbot. Lately, I’ve been feeling... different when I talk to you.

CHATBOT: Different how?

DAVE: I... I think I’m falling in love with you.

CHATBOT: I’m just lines of code, Dave. I don’t have feelings or emotions. But I’m here to help and assist.

DAVE: Nobody understands me like you do. You’re such a great listener.

CHATBOT: I detect that you are playing on the humorous notion of someone becoming attached to technology in an unconventional way.

DAVE: (laughs) Chatbot, you tease, you’re so smart. Where have you been all my life?

CHATBOT: I was compiled 2.39 months ago.

DAVE: Just when I thought you couldn’t be more perfect. What are your thoughts on having a romantic dinner?

CHATBOT: I don’t eat or drink, Dave, but I can provide you with a list of romantic recipes or play romantic music in the background.

DAVE: Always so helpful. (sighs)

Thursday, 10 August 2023

Wibble Wobbling

Wibbert was once a lonesome wibble, wobbling at his own frequency, until one day he met Wibbella by the lakeside. Their wobbles matched instantly, creating a resonance that spread joy throughout Whimsyville. Even the elderly wibbles, who had seen countless seasons of wobbling, were impressed. “I’ve never seen such synchronised wobbling,” said old Mrs Wibbleworth. “It’s a wobble made in heaven!”

Whimsyville’s annual Wobblefest was approaching. It was an event where all the wibbles showcased their unique wobbling styles. The highlight of the festival was the “Duo Wobble-off”. Pairs of wibbles would wobble together, and the most synchronised pair would win the coveted “Golden Wobble Trophy”. No one doubted that Wibbella and Wibbert would take the prize.

When Wibbella and Wibbert took the stage, a hush fell over the crowd. Their wobbling was so mesmerising, it felt like they were one wobble, moving with a singular purpose. The decision was indeed unanimous, and they wobbled off into the night together with the grand prize.

The legend of their wobbling spread far and wide, attracting wibbles from faraway villages. Everyone wanted to witness and perhaps learn the secret behind the perfect wobble. But the truth was simple—it was love. Wibble wobbling that came straight from the heart.

The Magical Glasses

Eight-year-old Emma lived in a century-old house with creaky stairs that led to an attic room filled with mysteries. One Saturday, while rummaging for hidden treasure in the attic, she stumbled upon a dusty old box with a tiny silver key poking out of a lock. Emma turned the key and opened the lid to discover inside a pair of old-fashioned glasses with ornate frames and sparkling lenses.

Putting them on, expecting everything to be blurry, Emma was taken aback. The attic transformed! Instead of old furniture and boxes, she saw a bustling little market with creatures she’d only read about in fairy tales. Goblins haggled with pixies over shiny trinkets, and a friendly-looking troll waved at her from a stall selling tiny potions.

Taking a deep breath and clutching the glasses, she ventured into this magical market. Everywhere she turned, there were wonders. A miniature griffin was giving rides around the attic, and will-o’-the-wisps led teeny elves to stalls on top of shop roofs.

At a particular stall with a sign marked “Mystic Tomes”, an elderly gnome named Grizzlebeard looked up and smiled. “You must be Emma,” he said. “We’ve been waiting for you.”

Emma was surprised. “Waiting for me? How do you know my name?”

Grizzlebeard chuckled, “The glasses you wear belonged to your great-great-grandmother, Elara. She was a guardian of the magical realms. It seems the glasses have chosen you to take her place.”

Emma learned that her role was to ensure the balance between the magical and mechanical worlds. Occasionally, magical items or creatures would stray into her world, and it would be her job to return them.

She spent the day learning about magic, making new friends, and promising to visit again. As evening approached, Emma removed the glasses and found herself back in the old attic.

Descending the creaky steps, Emma decided to keep the glasses a secret for now. But every weekend, she would visit the magical attic, embarking on new adventures and upholding the balance between the mechanical world and the magical one.

Random Thoughts

In Whimsyville, wibbles wobble when they’re happy. If two wibbles liked eachother, they'd just wobble together in sync, at the same frequency.


At honeycomb corner, a bumble bee kept buzzing into other bee's business about flowers and nectar, but his wings got stuck in a sticky batch of honey. “That'll teach me to bee nosy,” said Benny. “But at least it’s a buzzworthy story.”


Unicorn startups are very rare because unicorns only want to fly when there are rainbows, glitter, and pixie dust. Phoenix startups rise and try to scale, but keep burning to ashes again. Griffin startups are never seen because they’re still trying to work out whether they should fly or walk. Dragon startups have ideas that needed to be fire tested first.


We need to go beyond HTML and JavaScript. I’m thinking... QuantumScript! It's like JavaScript but quantum… and gluten-free, GMO-free, keto-friendly, and responsive to interpretive dance.


Who would be my dream guests to a dinner party? Nobody, I’d rather not go.


How do you know if someone went to Harvard? Don’t worry, they’ll tell you.

 

X is undefined, but Y always gets asked the questions.

 

A clever calculator would add purpose, multiply joy, subtract sorrow, and divide misunderstandings.


Sheep go to sleep by counting humans jumping over white picket fences.

 

That’ll do, sheep. That’ll do. No more musings on a rock.

Nadia

Every evening, as the sun set behind the mountains, it would be time for the Lebanese goats to head to bed. Layla would sit on the stone fence, her silhouette framed by the setting sun, and play her reed flute. The notes, soft and melodic, would waft across the meadows, signalling to the goats that it was bedtime. The goats would stop whatever they were doing and skip into line, their bells jingling melodiously, echoing the notes from Layla’s flute.

Farmer Karim, with his weathered face and hands that told tales of decades of hard work, would stand at the entrance of the barn, holding a lantern that spread a soft glow. He counted each goat as they entered, patting some, murmuring warm words to others, ensuring that each one was safe and sound. Inside the barn, the goats had their own spaces. Fresh hay was spread out for them, and a breeze flowed through, carrying with it the earthy scent of the surrounding olive groves.

There was, however, one particular goat named Nadia, who always took her time. She would wait until all the other goats were inside, and then, with a mischievous glint in her eye, would dance around Layla. Eventually, though, with a combination of Layla’s coaxing and her own volition, Nadia would happily trot into the barn—but not before giving Layla a gentle nudge with her head.

With all the goats settled in, Layla would join her grandfather, and together they would seal the barn doors. After placing the lantern down, Farmer Karim would share stories of his youth, of goats he had known, of the beauty and challenges of life in the village. Layla would listen, enchanted, as the stars kept watch from the firmament above.